Jumping in (1st post)

[Gardener]

I think you really do 'get it' about DBing.

Thanks. Am trying. But perhaps I'm concentrating a bit too much on LRT & not the rest of DR (?)

One thing I don't understand, is WHAT ARE YOUR WIFE's COMPLAINTS about you.

I'm too negative. I'm too helpful: Ineffective MC said I'm "helpful to death". Talk too much MC said I am guilty of "unbridled self expression"
I'm moody. Get angry too easily. Too clingy.
I believe problem started when my mother came to live with us in 2000 when my dad died. She moved out in 2004. Too late. That was a constant-stress disaster.
Problem compounded when I began to drink/self-medicate and buzz-out nightly for about 2 1/2 years. I stopped with the Rational Recovery program. Never missed it. No effort, no white knuckling, no nothing, Wife went to Al-Anon and then her IC started saying I was a Dry Drunk because I chose a path other than AA and IC did not support her staying with me. Maybe coincidence, maybe because I stopped self medicating in Feb '06 but around late '07 (hindsight/retrospect - not sure exactly) I became depressed. Most of '08 I was under what I called a slow, all-encompassing black glacier. Didn't know I was obviously suffering depression. neither did she. She dropped S ("a respite") Bomb in late November. I was diagnosed 1 week later by MC and family Doctor. She canceled S. Went to see her IC the next day and that night the S was back on. I think in the last few years, events, stresses, - and, most importantly I - wore her down.
Regarding her, the MC said she's affected by physically abusive mother and father (father died May last year). She's walled off, shut down. Said she's "in a tremendous amount of emotional pain. Like a person with Gout: touch them ever so slightly in the affected area and they experience excruciating pain. Only hers is emotional Gout."

i know I'm over-answering your question, but I'm almost done. We both have a style of keeping things in (disappointments), avoiding conflict like the plague and, therefore building up resentments.

I think your wife is ALMOST in a 'too little too late' position and really hopes you will turn it around for the both of you. This does not mean everything is your fault...but right now...to her...it is, so 'it's where you live' right now.

Yes. I've said it's like she finally gave me a wake up call and when I began to wake up, immediately shouted, "Too late!" I don't know what she wants or hopes. Everything was not my fault, but I've copped repeatedly to being the Major Offender and Major Source Of Stress

without us really knowing those complaints...most of our advice here is useless....so please take it as such...except the don't give up parts. I didn't see where you did (probably because I was skimming some of the posts)...did you put your ring back on?

I never gave up. Got pretty down a couple of times. I did not put my ring back on. About 3 weeks after I took it off, I noticed she took hers off.

Fo more reasons than I know, and possibly for reasons other than me, my wife just shut down late last year.

I only wish she would talk to me.

You're the fourth person to tell me that mine doesn't sound like a Last Resort Sitch. Even Dottie says it's probably not but has advised I use Last Resort Tecniques along with others.

There you go: open book.
Thanks.