Hi, SC, I just read 25's looong post from a few days ago, and although I don't know much about legal stuff, I agree with everything she said that I understood.
You seriously need to learn detachment, girl. Do yourself a big favor and study up on it big time. Don't contact him if you don't have to for business or kid welfare, and DO NOT talk to him about feelings or R, past, present, or future, at this time. Zip the lips!! A phrase comes to mind here, and please don't take this the wrong way...
"How can I miss you if you won't go away?"
Start focusing on YOUR life, not his.
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Hi, SC, I just read 25's looong post from a few days ago, and although I don't know much about legal stuff, I agree with everything she said that I understood.
What can I say? I was tired (and I wasn't billing for my time or words)...But SC, you MUST read Detachment...the site faithfulH referred K4dallas to read and it does help. Please do it asap. It is crucial for you to understand AND implement it.
You seriously need to learn detachment, girl. Do yourself a big favor and study up on it big time.
AMEN!!
Don't contact him if you don't have to for business or kid welfare, and DO NOT talk to him about feelings or R, past, present, or future, at this time. Zip the lips!! A phrase comes to mind here, and please don't take this the wrong way...
"How can I miss you if you won't go away?"
YES...this is it....PERIOD...SC, I wish we had said this to you a long time ago or maybe we did, and you were not ready to hear it. But will you ever be able to hear it? When you say you "hope for the best but prepare for the worst" --
Sorry-- I don't see that. I see you manipulating and planning and obsessing even while "going dark", and hoping and hoping and FEARING the worst....and getting paralyzed by it so much that it sends you spinning back into the "I have to have him Or I'll go nuts wondering what happened even though I sort of Do know, but I'm SO afraid of the truth OR that I'll be too aloneand FEAR FEAR FEAR comes oozing out of you, as does NEED NEED NEED, to talk R talk, and talk some more and then interpret and wonder "WHY??"....
Well, I knew a little girl at "kid cancer camp" who was 10 y/o and had terminal cancer. Though she felt, "okay" that summer, she knew things were not looking good for her much longer. She admitted in one talk that she wondered aloud to God quite a bit...but she changed: "I used to ask God, 'why?' Why me? Why? Why? WHY?...but then I thought, 'I just AM...so now I try to have fun while I can..."
and though she got her last wishes filled and passed away in the fall, I never forgot her words of wisdom. She was sick, for no "reason"...and so she stopped wondering, and asking, and seeking "closure". Instead, she used her remaining time for FUN and with a quality of life unusual for her years.
Tomorrow is promised to no one. If I have learned anything these past 2 years with so many deaths in our family, it's that. Life is short and you only know your time on earth is limited but you don't get to know exactly HOW limited....just that it is...so use it wisely and well. Wondering about closure is not going to give it to you. Only time will. Your H cannot give you closure on this, seriously. There is NOTHING he can say that will give you what you seek, realistically. Stop defining what R you wll have someday and let something develop on its' own. Good luck SC, really. (( j ))
Start focusing on YOUR life, not his.
Peace, Dawn
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I want thank everybody here on these boards who have supported me for the past year and a half. You are all remarkable people, and have had an impact on my life much more than you will ever know!
As you know, the past couple months I have seemed to make some great strides in my own self growth, but have also struggled with several "backslides" in that time. Well, I have come to see that those weren't "backslides" for me at all. Maybe they were from a DB standpoint, but not for me and what I want for my life.
I don't know how to explain it, but I'll try. I now see that the rollercoaster of emotions I have had recently resulting in those times that I "backslid" and told my H that I was letting him go, followed by those major depressed days when I just wanted to cry all day, were actually sort of the final death throes of my marriage, or rather my side of it. My H left the marriage emotionally long ago, but I obviously had not.
Last week in one of my posts, I mentioned that I had talked to a psychic (no it wasn't one of those phone psychics....). She told me several things, one of which was that within a year, I would find a new "soulful" love. She said he would have the initial J in his name, brown hair, musical talent (acoustic guitar), has a dog, likes the outdoors, family man who my kids will love and that he would have a wonderful smile and great sense of fun and want to do things with the family. Now, this description is practically the antithesis of my H (and I had not told her about my H).
Anyway, as I have said, it's not that I "believe in" this stuff I certainly will not base life decisions on it, but what I am saying is that what she said got me thinking. And I asked myself that if I knew 100% that a person like she describes was around the corner for me.....if I could guarantee that.....then would I continue to want my H?.....and the answer was a resounding NO!! So, then that made ask myself what the heck I was "standing" for?? Do I really love my H, or is it really just that he's all I've known since I was 17 years old and I am scared to death of letting go?
My H has said he was "faking it" throughout much of our marriage. I'm now thinking that perhaps underneath I really knew that, so that is why I eventually became so depressed that I didn't want to get out of bed.....ever! H just thought I was lazy and I agreed with him and thought I was worthless, because I didn't know what was wrong with me. I had a great H who was a good provider and did chores around the house, etc. So what if he was judgemental and critical of everything I did? He was so far above me and I was so lucky to have him......or so I thought...... he still thinks that.
The young man I loved was largely a figment of my imagination.....and his for that matter. He didn't lie all those years deliberately. He was sincerely trying to do the right thing. I believe that.
So, now we are actually working very well together. We are working through the bankruptcy and legal seperation/divorce together and we will both come out financially just fine. We have both expressed our full commitment to making this whole process as comfortable and easy as we can for the other.
He and his girlfriend and some of her kids (adult kids) are up at the dream property for the long weekend doing some much needed work up there.......and I don't begrudge it at all.....well, ok it still hurts a little, but not much.
And thus my journey begins........
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
You sound really good. You finally see your way forward once the rose-colored glasses come off. I too have come to realize my M was never what I thought it was.
Hey S, sorry I havent been able to call you. There's been a lot of stuff going on. I will call you soon.
The words below that you wrote I could have written almost word for word:
"is it really just that he's all I've known since I was 17 years old and I am scared to death of letting go? My H has said he was "faking it" throughout much of our marriage. I'm now thinking that perhaps underneath I really knew that, so that is why I eventually became so depressed that I didn't want to get out of bed.....ever! H just thought I was lazy and I agreed with him and thought I was worthless, because I didn't know what was wrong with me. I had a great H who was a good provider and did chores around the house, etc. So what if he was judgemental and critical of everything I did? He was so far above me and I was so lucky to have him......or so I thought...... he still thinks that. The young man I loved was largely a figment of my imagination.....and his for that matter. He didn't lie all those years deliberately. He was sincerely trying to do the right thing. I believe that. "
You handled this the way you wanted to and I support you in that, my friend.
All of the wonderful people on here want the best for you and hate to see you hurting.
S, you will be ok. I know that. I hope you now know it, too. The world is your oyster and it is a better place for having you in it.
As I saw my widowed aunt at age 59 join various groups, one sticks out in my mind as particularly cool for her (and me, I might add...) so here it is and fyi, she met her "new special friend" there too. She joined a "Current Events" Club in her area and every week they were assigned reading materials and people with varying opinioins attend and are polite to each other and learn about the event/culture. She is VERY different politically from her special friend, but they work well together. It has been 10 years too...yikes...
Food for thought--and she cooks the relevant culture's food or brings a wine from their country as well. She really gets into it and what she learns helps her choose her traveling. Very cool way to live in retirement and in some HUGE ways she is doing more with her life than if her h had lived. Odd, but he was a bit of a recluse. Anyhow, thought I'd pass that on. Lots of interesting people out there, and I do suggest a class as well. You weed out a lot of "UNfun" people b/c those types don't want to learn or grow....
Just mho as usual.
((( j )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Well, I had a great time yesterday going to see the fireworks with D24, SIL & GD. We got a pizza and sat on our blanket played with the baby and took a short nap...... pretty blissful!
There was a "klinker" however, in that I saw S18 there...... he was supposed to go up to the dream property with H and some guys he works with (and some of OW's family). S18 flaked out on H saying that his friends favorite uncle died and the friend asked S18 to go down to Portland for the funeral. Yep totally lame excuse and H said so, and so did I for that matter when S18 "asked for my advice". S18 just didn't want to do the work they were planning to do up there.
When I saw him in the park and chased him down (he was surprised to see me there I know). I told him "Wow, this is some funueral...I didn't know your friend's uncle was so popular!" He was drunk and I was so disappointed in him! I had a talk with him but not much because it does no good when he's drunk. I had offered for him to come home and go back to school earlier this week, but told him last night that that offer was absolutely contingent on him cutting out this type of behavior. He was actually somewhat apologetic, rather than defiant as he has been in the past. I am so worried for him.
I did call H up at the dream property to discuss my "run in" with S18. I really thought about whether to do that. It wasn't emergent or anything, and not "good DBing", but then I thought that I really don't care about that anymore! I wanted to talk to my son's father about my son. So I did. And it was a very nice supportive comiserative discussion. I really do think that there is every chance that when all is said and done, H and I could very well come out of this whole thing as good friends!
I did some research today and I now have plans for doing line dance, and swing dance lessons. I also have some info on guitar lessons, but I'm going to hold off on that one for now. Thinking of going to hear a rock/soul band tonight at the casino with a friend......
I'm excited about my new life!
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
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