No advice, just some support! Good job with the stop of pursuit. I'm proud of you. Since I started db'ing in late November, I've kept my contact w/H (he works out of town during the week) limited to once/day (initiated by me), which is WAY down from what it was. He contacts me, and sometimes I answer right away, and sometimes I wait. I'm always pleasant, upbeat, and friendly, but VERY busy. When I do answer, it's a "Hey! What's Up? I'm blahblahblah right now. Do you need something now, or can we talk a bit later?" kind of approach. It's been really helpful, and we're peaceful, and raising the kids in a "nice" environment, HOWEVER, it's only been minimally effective in drawing him to me. I think I'll start to back off, maybe another level or two, as well. It appears to be working with you, and with another poster, Sam.
Just some support... Your name caught my eye. We have a Joshua. He's darling!
PS - Gucci, Puppy and Sandi2 are giving you great advice.
Last edited by mindblank; 07/03/0901:33 PM.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Gucci, I've been reading back catching up on many your excellent-advice posts and wonder if you would make some time to skim my Dbing (1 month) and tell me what if anything I can do more effectively/
Thanks.
End Hijack
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
wow! thank you everyone for your opinions and time you take to post on my sitch. it helps give me strength and encouragement with the path i am currently setting out on. it's a simple one (for now), but it really hasn't been that easy. it was much easier just being nice to her when she called. but that wasn't working. thank you everyone, it means alot to me
i am seriously considering making up an imaginary gf. i know one person's thoughts on this already (gucci) and i know i got a huge reaction out of her 2 weeks ago when she thought i was out on a date. i believe at this point i have nothing to lose by doing so. telling her i miss her and that i care and am here for her sure hasn't been working. im starting to think i have to be 100% out of her life for her to make any decisions. i can't be her "friend" anymore. i believe i'm prepared to do that now.
any thoughts about this? i'm prepared for all responses
I suppose it depends on a person's norms/standards. With me, it is not right to actually have a GF and "date" when one is still legally M. Going out with friends or even having dinner with a friend could be legitimately innocent of any "sexual" appearances like the term "dating" implies.
I DO NOT think that making up an imaginary GF is a good idea at all. That is very immature and it will be discovered, you'll be embarrassed b/c she'll think it's funny, you'll get mad and react......and around & around you'll go again.
Stay true to yourself and to your own standards.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
i am seriously considering making up an imaginary gf. i know one person's thoughts on this already (gucci) and i know i got a huge reaction out of her 2 weeks ago when she thought i was out on a date. i believe at this point i have nothing to lose by doing so. telling her i miss her and that i care and am here for her sure hasn't been working. im starting to think i have to be 100% out of her life for her to make any decisions. i can't be her "friend" anymore. i believe i'm prepared to do that now.
any thoughts about this? i'm prepared for all responses
I suppose it depends on a person's norms/standards. With me, it is not right to actually have a GF and "date" when one is still legally M. Going out with friends or even having dinner with a friend could be legitimately innocent of any "sexual" appearances like the term "dating" implies.
I DO NOT think that making up an imaginary GF is a good idea at all. That is very immature and it will be discovered, you'll be embarrassed b/c she'll think it's funny, you'll get mad and react......and around & around you'll go again.
Stay true to yourself and to your own standards.
Sandi
sandi point taken and understood. i should have clarified earllier when i made that statement i would make it sound i'm just hanging out with a new female friend, and NOT dating her. we would just do activities (non-sexual) together. i actually have been doing alot more with my friends, male and female both lately, i just might take the opportunity to throw the female portions in a little more often.
i do not believe in actual dating while still M either. i'm not ready for it and have already turned a couple down since this whole mess arose. it's not what i want right now.
Ok, good. The only thing I would want to add is that what you are suggesting, if I understand, is that this is an imagainary GF, right? So, basically, that means you will be telling your W a lie. A R of any kind cannot survive on a lie as a foundation. I do understand your POV, but I don't agree. It never works when the LBS is intentionally trying to make the WAS jealous. And with making up an imaginary GF.....you are only getting in deeper water. Tread carefully friend.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
this is really hard right now. i about had a nervous breakdown at work. i miss her so much and wanted to text her so bad. i didn't tho.... but it really messed with my night at work...
i just need a little encouragement right now letting me know i'm doing the right thing.... i know i haven't detached from her 100% but i'm getting there.. slowly i know i am... but it's been one month later today.
i'm trying so hard right now, and i realize she may never come back, but it's so hard to believe things will ever be better then they were.. although they weren't great at the time, i do miss my best friend, and i feel so lost right now. i am a bit drunk and overly emotional for sure, for some reason all of this sh*t is just hitting me hard tonite and right now.
somebody please let me know i'm doing the right thing. not just to bring her home but for myself especially. this is so hard. i know it's not supposed to be easy, but i just feel really lost right now.
please forgive my emotional breakdown right now. usually i am stronger then this, but tonite it just really hit for some reason. i almost went home early from work. i didn't tho, i stayed and stuck it out, but i feel so lost. i know i need to stay the course i'm on, but it's soooo hard. i just need a little reassurance right now....
woke up and found a text from W sent at 4:09am this morning.
"hows my dog?"
lol is she referring to me or MY shih-tzu?
puppy or gooch, is this the one instance i text her back and say he's great! or should I just send a picture message of him with no words in it. that actually sounds ok to me. our dogs are like our kids (we have no kids)
alright, i've done a little thinking about why i was so down last nite and i believe i know why now. anyone who is reading my sitch and is a bit new to the boards, when people here tell you not to talk to others about YOUR OWN SITCH, there are a couple reasons for this. 1) very few people really need to know what's going on in your life on that personal of a level, but more importantly 2) it helps you from reliving what's happened over and over. this is necessary or you will be STUCK in your current state of emotions. sometimes when people here give you their opinion or advice, they will tell you what you should do, but don't always give a clear explanation as to the "why" behind it. i think knowing that would help me greatly in some of my sitch's...
last nite i talked with a person (not a close friend, but kinda friend) whom i do value his insight into my current action being taken in my sitch. i felt better for about 5 minutes after talking to him and then it hit me like a bus. a huge wage of emotions came over me and i had an emotional set back to like 2 weeks ago. i'm done discussing my sitch with anyone except one close friend and everyone on this board. i felt way better when i had been keeping it this way, so back to it i go...
thanks for reading.
oh! and i did reply back to her question about the dog.
i took a picture of him with his new bone on the couch, and wrote "He's doing good =) only 1 accident in 5 days"
short and to the point and nothing else. not even a Happy 4th of July to her
