New to this Community seeking advice

[JR09]

Carlos and Gardener,

THANKS. I understand the reason to hold off. I will do exactly that.

THANK YOU. I have to remember NOT to react on sheer feelings. Reasoning is more crucial at this point.
THANKS AGAIN.
JR09

[healthydad]

Hey JR09,

I hope you're having a great time with your boys - and teaching them lots of wonderful new things.

-Carlos.

[JR09]

I'm having a great time with my boys, making lots of memories...The boys all know I still love my W. They also hope we'll all return to being a family again someday. They may be 11, 10 and 6, but they sure do understand quite a bit...

I did something today that may set me back in my DBing efforts. I did call my W and told her I needed to tell her a few things. I told her it's been a year since she left and that I sure would like to have lunch with her and the kids, or even dinner together. She said she'd think about it. Then I told her I still love her very much, maybe even more than ever before she left because I understood why she left. I told her I worked hard on myself in the past year and told her again how much I love her.

She then only replied OK, maybe because she was taken aback or didn't know what to say. I said goodbye first, and she said bye as well.

I know I may have blown away all these months of DBing in one short phone call. But I actually felt good about it, and rationalized my action by saying "what else do I have to lose?"

Anyway. That's it for now...

JR09

[JR09]

I think I'm done with all the waiting. Too much headaches, too much sorrow. I keep thinking lately that my WAW will not change and will not return. Kind of in a spiral of depression, I guess. I'm sure it is worth the wait, but I am mentally and emotionally tired right now. Maybe it's because I am with my Boys and we only have 3 days left together, and I really wish my W would change her mind and keep our family together again...

I feel I am giving up, with no hope...MAybe it's time to end all the waiting.

JR09

[healthydad]

Hey JR09,
I'm so glad you've been having such a great time with your boys. Making those memories is so vital - and you must just feel like the four musketeers sometimes.

There's a big leap between your posts - and I think it's one of the reasons it's so important to try to do what you can to feel fulfilled on your own. What I mean is that, in just a few hours you seem to have gone from feeling some comfort in trying to convince your W that things are better - so feeling tired and worn out waiting for a response from her - and the one thing in common in both instances is that you gave her all the power - and you gave up a lot of your own control of your half of the situation.

It took me ages to get it that there was nothing, literally nothing, I could say, do or offer to convince my STBX that things could be better - or that I had changed - and I truly mean nothing - which does not mean that we stop making those changes and working toward that goal - it's just that we find this delicate balance between making all the changes, growing, improving ourselves - but do it with the knowledge, the firm belief, that we will be fine no matter what - whether with or without our spouse - and it's a terrifying notion to accept - in fact, it seems completely contradictory - but it plays itself out here again and again - that the men and women who focus on themselves in a healthy, not a selfish way, eventually come out of this whole - sometimes that means they're whole and piecing together with their partners, sometimes it means they're whole and on their own - but that wholeness is essential. My T once said to me, how can two people love one another in a healthy way if either partner feels incomplete? (this was in a conversation about that line "you complete me" - which I think harms love ever time anyone watches that movie and thinks that line captures a truth about how love ought to be received or offered.

That said...no one knows your situation better than you - and if it felt like the right time to say what you said, maybe it was...

Do checkout divorceasfriends dot com - lots of good articles there about fighting for one's marriage while healing oneself...

-Carlos.

[JR09]

Carlos,

THANKS for the input. I just needed some reassurance that I was still OK no matter what. I really appreciate your support and encouragement.

Again, many THANKS. I hope this finds you well...

JR09

[healthydad]

Hi JR09,
You're definitely okay - and you will be okay no matter what happens. I think now that you've told her how you feel, it's a good idea to let it go - not repeat it. I know it's got to be tough in your situation since you live far apart from one another and you want to make sure she knows how you feel...

Are you still reading the DB/DR books? I found that I got a lot more out of DR...and found that I as I read and reread it I would understand a lot of things that I thought I had missed the first time through.

-c.

[JR09]

Carlos,

I do read DR on a daily basis. But I haven't read it since I've been with my boys for the past week or so. You are right, every time I pick it up I always discover something new that gives more insight and encouragement.

Thanks for checking in.

JR

[Ready2Change]

I think I'm done with all the waiting. Too much headaches, too much sorrow. I keep thinking lately that my WAW will not change and will not return. Kind of in a spiral of depression, I guess. I'm sure it is worth the wait, but I am mentally and emotionally tired right now. Maybe it's because I am with my Boys and we only have 3 days left together, and I really wish my W would change her mind and keep our family together again...

I feel I am giving up, with no hope...MAybe it's time to end all the waiting.

JR09

Moving on is key. No waiting for spouse. Making positive changes for you may draw spouse back. Waiting will not. All the positive changes I am making also make dating easy. No intentions or expectations. I have healthy boundaries. Changing my belief system has been hard, but I am in a good place. If MsR2C changes her mind in the future, I will deal with that. No matter what, everything will be OK....

[JR09]

I returned back to CO last night. The link up with WAW went well to hand off kids and bags. I held it really well during the whole time. I was about to break down and cry, but I kept it all together til my W and kids left to drive back to ID. Then I broke down and cried.
I noticed during the linkup that my W got all dolled-up, looking really nice. I don't think it was for me specifically, but she really looked nice. She also didn't mind coming close to me as she comforted one of our crying boys. She would have never done that 6 months ago. When they all got in the car, I wished my boys and W a good trip home as I was leaning on my W's side of the car. She didn't seem to mind it at all. Baby steps...

She also called me while I was driving back to CO. She never calls me, maybe twice in the past year. But she called even if it was just to complain that I spent too much money on the boys and they didn't need to be so spoiled. She even called again today to ask about some instructions online. Anyway, maybe I am making all this up, but the W has been nice lately since I told her a week ago that still love her very much after 1 year of separation...

Anyway, I'm back alone with my good dog companion. But I am not as mopey as I was maybe 6 months ago. The DBing skills of getting myself right are paying off.

JR