Had enough......

[Gardener]

GTFM,

I'm sorry you're in such pain right now. This, too is a form of doing the work.

UGH! I got my books on Codepency in the mail. I've read them. My STBXH is taking up too much space in my brain. I post about how I am GAL. I don't post about the time I spend in my room, in the dark with my thoughts. I go from angry to confused in less than six seconds at the drop of a hat. I go from wanting the man I imagined my STBXH to be back to wishing he would hurry the hell up and file already. I'm mad that I have his last name hyphenated to mine as it's a constant reminder of what has transpired.

I've been on this particular rollercoaster from hell a few times. Ride'll be over soon. Always is.

I read all of these self help books and I dredge up past pains that I haven't fully gotten through. I cry and hurt. I am working on me from the inside out. I am even working on my medical health. I feel so frickin' overwhelmed. Yet, anyone who sees me in person would believe I have it all together. Even here I project a "she's so strong" vibe.

it is so totally overwhelming at times, but I admire you putting on brave front or even an outward-only PMA

I always help others. I am the go to girl for advice.

Yes, you do have a good heart.And give generous, reasoned advice.

I make others feel so inferior and like they can't measure up

But at least you never engage in any mindreading now, do you?

My miraculous ability to get through everything with a positive attitude. I feel fake. I don't know who I am. My mantra of faking it until I make it is not a good thing because now I don't know who the genuine Shawna is. I deserve an Oscar. I am the best actress in the world. This is not me being narcissitic, it is my reality.

I go out of my way to not go by where my STBXH lives. I backspace on here when I type husband to put STBXH. (Why do I do this?) I want so bad to go read his MSN profile and see if he has been on youtube, but I've made a goal not to do that and I don't. I however, check my blog more times than I should daily to see if he has checked it. I have it in my head that a certain link to it is him. What is up with this delusional thinking? I post on my blog my GAL in hopes he sees it. This is me being honest. This is me being real. I feel pathetic. I feel so tired. I feel fake.

You sound tired. Honest. Real. Human. Tired.
Breathe. Rest. Wait for better words that are bound to come into this thread from those who know you more than I.
((({{{[[[]]]}}}))) and prayers