UGH! I got my books on Codepency in the mail. I've read them. My STBXH is taking up too much space in my brain. I post about how I am GAL. I don't post about the time I spend in my room, in the dark with my thoughts. I go from angry to confused in less than six seconds at the drop of a hat. I go from wanting the man I imagined my STBXH to be back to wishing he would hurry the hell up and file already. I'm mad that I have his last name hyphenated to mine as it's a constant reminder of what has transpired.
I read all of these self help books and I dredge up past pains that I haven't fully gotten through. I cry and hurt. I am working on me from the inside out. I am even working on my medical health. I feel so frickin' overwhelmed. Yet, anyone who sees me in person would believe I have it all together. Even here I project a "she's so strong" vibe.
I don't put my guard down. I tried with my STBXH and it would eventually get turned around to us talking about him and his feelings. I always help others. I am the go to girl for advice. I make others feel so inferior and like they can't measure up because I appear to be a weeble (I get knocked down, but I get right back up). This is a positive to some. My miraculous ability to get through everything with a positive attitude. I feel fake. I don't know who I am. My mantra of faking it until I make it is not a good thing because now I don't know who the genuine Shawna is. I deserve an Oscar. I am the best actress in the world. This is not me being narcissitic, it is my reality.
I go out of my way to not go by where my STBXH lives. I backspace on here when I type husband to put STBXH. (Why do I do this?) I want so bad to go read his MSN profile and see if he has been on youtube, but I've made a goal not to do that and I don't. I however, check my blog more times than I should daily to see if he has checked it. I have it in my head that a certain link to it is him. What is up with this delusional thinking? I post on my blog my GAL in hopes he sees it. This is me being honest. This is me being real. I feel pathetic. I feel so tired. I feel fake.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
