I hope this is OK to change Subject headings within a thread.

Both of us are encouraged by the first C appt last night. We were there for an hour and go back next Wednesday. C is man in his early 40s, very personable. Knew just the right questions to ask to draw out information from both H and I. Made us feel comfortable in talking about a difficult issue. When C asked what had brought us there, H stepped up to the plate and explained the situation.

I learned more about his first wife last night and I had a hard time keeping my mouth shut. But C nailed it when he looked at me and said, "I expect right about now you'd like to murder his first wife." All I could do was nod. I learned that after H's son was born she shut off all sex. And to ensure that happening, she slept in a separate bed with the baby in the bed with her. Now . . . here was H, only 20-21, hormones at full tilt, being shut off. He told the therapist that he didn't run around on her, that he also shut down completely and used the training he was getting in the Army to exert full control over his urges. He did that for 8 yrs before they divorced. He said that by that time he had full control and eventually this led to problems down the road with his other wives and girlfriends.

C talked to him at length about his previous marriages/relationships and his fear of 'losing control' ; asked him if he was afraid I would do the same thing as his 1stEx. H said no, he never had to fear anything like that from me; that I only declined once in over a year, and that was because I was really sick. C said that it then became an exercise in how to lose control, how to overcome the voices in his head that are holding him back and how to have fun in bed again. C told H the same thing I did: That H is doing to me the same thing he Ex did to him. And that as long as he continues to exert control over his emotions, he's seeing me in the same light as his first Ex.

At that point my thoughts about the first Ex were pretty nasty. I never want to know where this woman lives (although she lives within 10 miles of us) nor what she looks like. I'm afraid of what I might do or say. H is such a good guy it makes me cry to think what she did to him. I'm so proud of him for going last night and talking to a stranger about a sexual problem. Not all guys, or women, could do it.

We ended the session with 'homework.' C asked him if he thought he could go home last night and initiate. H said yes. C asked if he could commit to that and H said yes. C asked "You won't go back on this will you?" H said no, that when he commits to something he follows through. The 2nd part of the homework involved the C tossing a coin. I had to call it in the air. If I won, I got to initiate one more time before our next meeting. If I lost, H has to initiate one more time. I lost. So sometime between now and next Wednesday, H will initiate.

I will say we had a wonderful night last night. I told him this morning that he seemed more relaxed, 'playful', and full of the devil. It seemed to me like he actually had fun. I asked him (as the C said I should) what his inner voices had been saying to him last night. H said they'd been quiet.

I'm looking at the world through glasses that are a bit rosier this morning and so is H. One or two sessions won't resolve the whole issue, but we both feel it's a solid step in the right direction.

GR

Domestic Abuse Survivor since 6/26/2002