Agh! He's detached completely!

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Happy July people.

I for one am not looking forward to seeing any damn fireworks because I hate seeing them alone.

I am queen of the bad attitude right now. I guess I'm still just lonely, but instead of feeling sad, I'm getting angry. All I can say is THANK GOD for aerobic workouts, specifically my elliptical machine. Without it, I would be an absoulute psycho.

Met with yet another divorce attorney yesterday. I still don't want to get divorced, of course, and this led to more crying there, even though she was a direct, straight shooter and knows her stuff, big time. I didn't cry till the end. She even asked if we were still sleeping together, which no one had asked yet. I like her the best of all the attornies that I've seen, and of course, she is the most expensive. I've always had great taste! lol! I have to ask my folks to help me with this, and I feel like such a tool doing so. They just paid for the majority of our wedding for god's sake, now they have to help me with this crap as well as they were going to help me with my business stuff (long story. It's just way too much to ask, and I hate myself for being in this poistion. I hate my H for putting me in this position right now. If he could just wait a bit for us to work on our issues, but no.

My H is off doing something without me.

We have a nice, long weekend ahead of us, and I have one or two fun things going on that are free, thank god, but tons of work I need to do, and nothing really that I am looking forward to. Oh god, if I could turn back time to when we were happily married. I don't want this divorce, but since it's been almost 3 months of him not talking to me, chances are getting slimmer by the moment. This frustration is not making me any more pleasant, in fact I've been acting like an uber b*tch the last few days, despite my efforts to remain somewhat sane in front of him. I'm just so frusterated and sad by the status quo.

I need to be reading my DR book or "Getting the Love You Want" books, but since I've had to spend so much time lately on the legal end of things to respond to the divorce petition, I haven't made myself read those books because I needed the escape of some fiction instead.

I am proud to say that I did finally get my offical reponse out for the divorce. I've been procrastinating on doing it, but finally did do it. Also, and far more importantly, I got my motion filed to ask for a few things: Maintenance (alimony), for him to stop spending money on frivilous things for himself, and finally, my last ditch effort to try to make him have to go to the GTLYW couples workshop as well as to go back to the marriage counseling with our MC. Bad news is that everyone is telling me we won't even get in to see the family court comissioner until September, maybe October, even, for this preliminary hearing. So none of this stuff will start until then, bad news. I could use the $ now desperately.

Here's how I am acting out, and please, if you have experienced this or really wanted to and somehow held yourself back, please tell me!! I am talking on the phone to friends and family and then I am bragging how that I like this attorney that I saw today because she is agressive, etc, saying how that she's really expensive, but I have to defend myself, etc. Then I go into swearing about stuff more than I ever normally would do, about how I told him yesterday that if he gets one more package sent to the house, I'm calling the court because he's in violation of that, etc. Not pretty stuff, basically sounding pscyho and drama queen and so on, I know. I don't want to do this, but yet, I do it. I find I do it much less when I'm not itching for a fight, which for some reason I have been lately.

Truth be told, I'm under an extraordinary amount of stress right now because I'm going back to work and they are making it hellacious to the extreme for me there, long story, but I'm having to fight the established system and it's just chaotic and troublesome and I don't need it right now on top of all this D crap.

I still don't know at what point I give up because I will have to sometime. I was telling a coworker about this situation, and when he heard that we haven't talked in 3 months he said very gently that maybe it's time to give up, and he's completely sincere about it, and has a lot of truth weighing on his side. I'm tired of the conflict. I'm tired of the stress between us. I just want my husband back.

I didn't tell you about the nightmare I had. Summary of it, a 2 and a half hour dream (I was briefly awake then went back to sleep before I had it, so glanced at the clock) was that I was dressed in formal wear, so was my husband (no one I recognised). We were going to a formal dance and he decided to walk there, where I was going to take the shuttle bus. The bus crashed after it went down a steep enbankment and I was stuck in the bus. Somehow I got out of it, and was all banged up, ripped dress, bloody and had an injury to my head. I made it to the dance and everyone assumed I was just drunk or something, although I really had the head injury. I spent the remaining 2 hours of the dream asking every man at the dance "Are you my husband?". In fact, I went to the bar area and touched every man on his shoulder so I could see his face and asked the same question. Over and over, I asked this question, growing more anxious and scared as time went on. Then I woke up. Little surprise that not having the divorce papers in was stressing me out? I don't think so. I usually don't dream so vividly, I can tell that it was a big deal to me.

Take care.