Quote: As I'd mentioned before H is a very good man. I think he has demons he needs to shed in order for us to go forward with a complete marriage Actually, I think he has a very low self esteem, you have to be, from what he said about not deserving your love.
I think you are 100% correct. I've thought this all along. I think something happened or was said to him, maybe repeatedly, that has caused him to feel undeserving of any attention, etc. shown to him. I've heard him say it's very hard for him to accept that I love him the way he is. That is so sad.
I also think he may be afraid of his own sexuality. He uses discipline and self-control to keep his sexual urges suppressed. Has even admitted as much in the past. I remember one day telling him that when he shows affection in public it gets me all flustered—hot and bothered. He admitted it did the same for him, but he kept it under control. When I asked why, he didn’t have an answer. Then I remember getting angry at the thought he was withholding sex from me, in effect using it as a means of controlling. I think the first ex-wife may have made comments to him that led him to withdraw and 'beat down' any urges that came along.
Lest anyone get the idea he is not affectionate, he is. *Until* we get to the bedroom door. Then it turns off. Even on our wedding day. I waited 2 weeks for my 'wedding night.' But if we're out and around, he wants to hold my hand, pat my butt or sneak a kiss. I'm getting such mixed signals I don't know what to believe.
My folks were married for over 50 wonderful years. And his folks were married until the day his mom passed away in '95, so longevity is there. I recently learned that the reason he broke it off 34 yrs ago was that he'd overheard his mom telling his dad that she was going to 'get me into trouble with the city/college police.' At that time, he was 17 and I was almost 21. H said that in order to keep me safe, he felt breaking off was better, but that he never stopped loving me. Evidently right after that he became a real hellion for his folks. Getting into trouble, etc. Who knows what effect this had on his future life choices. I never tried to make contact with him because I didn’t want to come between him and his family. He told me the biggest regret in his whole life was not doing everything he could to find me again when he turned 18.
Right now I'm looking forward to being able to talk this all out with a C and I hope my H is able to resolve these past issues.
In his heart, he *is* the same good man I met 34 yrs ago. Life and circumstances have wreaked havoc on him. I do hope that one day soon I can see the 'laugh' sparkle return to his eyes and that he will again love himself and life.
That is so sad. 
