Yep. Did the complete 180 thing from SSM. All it got me was, "Are you mad at me?" "What did I do?" So, he did notice, but the effects weren't positive. So, now I don't say anything, I don't do anything, I don't initiate. I fear I will finally get to the "I don't care" stage, which is the kiss of death.
Quote: Was your H married before you? If so, what was his previous marriage like?
Yes. He'd been married and divorced 3 times before we met up again. And there have been a number of failed non-marriage relationships, too. He's been closed-mouthed about his first marriage (the one I believe triggered his feelings, attitudes). He says that he's had performance anxiety ever since his first marriage. If this is true (and I have no reason to doubt him), then I can understand why subsequest relationships failed. Many women would not have the patience or desire to work on the problem. His first marriage lasted 8 yrs, 2nd marriage was a bit over a year and 3rd lasted about 6 years. All three of these were while he was in the Army. In at least one subsequent relationship he arrived home to find his girlfriend in bed with OM.
Quote: maybe your H doesn't know how to handle the type of love you are giving to him.
Funny you should mention this, as he's told me that no one has ever loved him or done for him like I do and sometimes he doesn't know how to act. He'll follow that with "I'm not complaining, just no one has ever accepted me for who I am."
Quote: If he is an independent sort, you could be doing too much for him. He could feel resentment towards you, but buries that deep inside of himself because he loves you so much. Does that make any sense?
Makes sense and it could be true. I do make about double the money he does, but he's assured me he has no problems with that. But maybe he just doesn't want to admit this to me, which is why I'm hoping a 3rd party can help sort this all out.
Quote:
I think the statement I made about the HDers needing to be understanding too was in error... at least in the context that I said it. That was a blanket statement that was really only intended about my H, and I apologize for it.
No apology needed. If you hadn't we wouldn't be having this exchange and I would not get the benefit of your insight. You do make some valid and thought-provoking statements, some of which I can see me addressing in therapy.
Quote: So, tell me more about him. What's his life been like while you were stuck in that awful first marriage of yours.
He got married about 1.5yrs after we parted ways in Nov.1969. Not sure if his folks liked that woman, either, as H said they eloped. Joined Army, had son in '72. Not sure when divorced, but she said she didn't love him anymore and was sleeping in another room.
Married 2nd on rebound for both of them. After a yr they agreed it was not working. Lack of sex was a factor.
Married 3rd time to Army nurse, who was hooked on drugs (unbeknownst to both Army and H at the time). She went through rehab and was sent on remote assignment. While away she started going out with OMen, then filed for Sep, then for D.
When I 'found' him again in 2002, he'd been divorced for 12 years, had moved around a lot due to his job as a long-distance trucker, and had moved back into his childhood home. Last relationship with woman (other than casual date) was 5 years prior.
As I'd mentioned before H is a very good man. I think he has demons he needs to shed in order for us to go forward with a complete marriage. What kept me looking for him all these years? This is part of a letter [slightly edited] I wrote to him about a week ago:
It wasn’t the sex. I will admit that, for me, sex is an important function of a normal and healthy marriage, but it is not the most important thing in a relationship. What is important to me?
When I first met you, you displayed all of the above in a way not usually found in a young man. It was obvious to me that you loved women and not just for sexual release. What’s more, you knew how to treat a woman with courtesy and respect, kindness and concern. Also usually not found in one so young. Those traits stuck in my mind for that was how my dad treated my mom and it was what I wanted for myself.
Well, I thought I’d found it, but as we both know, I didn’t.
In the time we’ve been back together, I can see that the young man I first met is still there. He still exhibits traits toward women that most men don’t possess. On the other hand, it saddens me a little to see the playful side of you has been diminished (although I’ve seen signs lately that it’s finding its way back).
Something has happened along the way to harden him and kill off his joy of life/sex. I'm hoping that with the help of a C, he can rediscover those joys.
