Prematurely called divorce busted, worse now

[steady]

Olrich you have to let go of hope/no hope for your sitch. Also, don't make the hope or no hope thing a prerequisite for DB'ing. One moment you'll have hope, the next minute you won't - if you make that as a requisite for DB'ing then one minute you'll be DB'ing the next minute you won't.

DB'ing is for YOU, not for your M. You are still connecting your improvement to your M... if I improve enough, I can save my M...get rid of this.

This is why detaching is so hard. It's is threaded and intertwined in everything we do and we need to disentangle it.

Maybe confronting will give her a kick in the ass - to save M or to walk out the door. That's the gamble. You don't know where the kick is going to lead.

Everyone here is codependent. That's why we freak out, beg, plead, cry, etc... when the bomb drops. DB'ing is about breaking those unhealthy ties to the R, making us stronger individuals who don't NEED the R for happiness, but WANT the R to add to our happiness. There's a big difference between want and need. Hence the neediness on our part to repair and salvage the M - especially in the beginning.

Everyone takes a self esteem hit when confronted by the abandonment by a spouse. EVERYONE. Work on repairing it...that's what this board is about, what GAL'ing is about, what your improvement is about.

When you are not needy for the relationship, when you can be a strong independent, confident person outside of the R, are detached from your spouse, detached from the outcome of the sitch (especially this one), then, and only then, will you be the most attractive to your spouse.

This is why DETACHING is the most important principle in DB'ing. It is the pivot on which all things rest. (In my opinion)