Good responses to everything. Let me add something to this statement you made:
Quote:
She knows it is wrong and had admitted that she had 'feelings' for this person. However, I think she later regrets making these statements because she will still make the other argument that an EA is not an A and isn't considered betraying wedding vows. It is her twisted way of protecting herself from blame/wrongdoing I realize so I have stopped arguing with her about it, because I know she knows the truth about all this - she just doesn't feel like admitting it to me or others. I just make sure she knows I am clear on the fact that I think it is wrong - believe me she understands where I sit on the issue!
She was in deep denial about what her real "feelings" for the OM was. When it was pointed out to her that she was in an A.....she seemed shocked and even argured that it was NOT an A but a friendship. After the exposure and the pressure from you and her family began to affect her, then she really regretted saying anything at all (even under your pressure) about her feelings for OM...b/c of the reaction from everyone. Nobody else will step up to protect her--so she MUST protect herself, which is only normal for her to do that. But to you, it does seem "twisted" b/c none of it seems logical and it is not morally right.
I am very glad you have stopped arguring with her over this issue b/c it was getting you nowhere except deeper in a M grave. Yes, she knows the truth....in her heart, but of course she doesn't want to "admit" it to others. She feels that her entire world has attacked her and she's all along....except for the OM (who, of course, supports her....and that's not good). When everyone in her world is attacking her and she thinks they are all against her, where do you think she will turn?? Exactly! Doesn't her parents see that? All of her friends, family, and "you" need to let off of her or she is quickly going to the next level in this A. Listen to me when I tell you that I was not at all serious about "my OM" until my H blew up at me for contacting him. He was yelling at me and I had never seen him that angry before. That is when I immediately went to the next level. My OM was soooo supportive and loving and knew all the sweet comforting words to say to me. So of course I leaned on OM b/c he was my only friend in the world (or so I felt). You don't want this to happen to your W, but I am concerned that b/c of the exposure so quickly and the fact her children know (which is a huge, huge embarrassment for her)plus the pressure from her parents is more than she can deal with. I'm concerned that it will push her straight into OM's arms. I hope you can plead with her parents to stop what they are doing b/c it is making the stitch much worse than if they would let up on her. (BTW, do not tell your W that you tried to get her parents to back off. Don't say anymore to her about the results of this exposure.)
No, it does not mean her parents (or anyone) has to support what she's done......but just let-up with their persecution. She feels as if she's had a trial, been judged, and now percecuted--without fair representation. That is why she has to come to her own defense......can you see that from her POV? It doesn't make her case--right, but try to see it from that angle.
Yes, she knows very well where you "sit" on the subject as well as she knows where her family sits. But look, it is not necessary for you to repeatedly bring this to her attention. She "gets it", okay? Everytime you feel like you will explode if you don't mention your "stand" on this fact, you must keep your mouth shut. (I have the same nature, so I know how you feel.) I know from experience in many matters over the years that it will lead to a deeper level of resentment and more problems everytime. You have to stop with R talks at this point in the stitch! You may wonder how it will ever be resolved if it is not discussed. Have you not talked about everyting that could be said? I bet you have. Now it is time to say nothing futher and let her do some personal work on her issues. Just b/c there is not a lot of verbal words floating around in the air does not mean no work is getting done. In fact, many times the less said......the more actions are seen! Attitudes speak much, much louder than words ever did! Let her see your better attitude and your quiet actions.
When you stop having an attitude about her sleeping in the other room......and trust me.....she "knows" you have an attitude problem, then that will be the first big step. A wife can read that attitude her H has a mile off. There is just something about a H having "that" attitude where sex is concerned that she can read like a book. She finds it very ironic that you would be angry at her for sleeping in the other room when you were ready to kick her out of the house. Remember? You invited her to leave if she couldn't stop ALL contact with OM. She could not make that promise, so she did the right thing and S from you & and the intimacy of your bed and went to another bedroom. That was what she should have done. But, then "you" get this ATTITUDE that you are her HUSBAND and sull up b/c she's not sleeping with you. Don't get that hurt, defensive, or sulled attitude that H's get when their W's are not giving them sex! Since she's not in the bed with you where you can literally flop over on your side with your back to her......this is your way to do it in "attitude". Know what I mean?
Look, how can you dare have an attitude about anything after telling her to leave? I don't see where you can do that if the two of you are S but just staying under the same roof. The problem here is the fact that YOU have not looked at the picture as being a separated couple abiding under the same roof at the end of the day. YOU are still seeing the two of you as a M couple who should be sharing the same bed. YOU see this as a "family unit" that should be doing all these special family times together, etc. Listen, she feels that you basically kicked her out, but instead of leaving the house, she just left your private bedroom and moved to another room. You got mad when she said she was doing it for the kids. What did you want her to say under the circumstances? Oh, never mind, I KNOW what you wanted her to say, but you "forced" this situation on her and she was not mentally prepared to give you that answer you "wanted" to hear at that time. Be thankful that she did stay for the sake of the kids. Do you have ANY idea how many women leave their kids with the H and move out of the house? I give her a lot of credit for staying b/c it must be hell for her to live there with you and knowing her kids have heard about the EA and taking all that stuff from her parents. I could not have done it! So, I strongly suggest you lay off the lady and get over your "problem" of her sleeping in the next room, since you pushed her in there. I can tell you that if you were my H, no way in hell would I be going back into your arms for a mighty, mighty long time. She has a tremdous hurt to get over. You think you felt betrayed b/c of her EA?? How do you think "she" feels about how you have treated her by betraying the privacy between the two of you where the M problems lay? You went and told everyone! If you had been addicted to porn, would you have wanted her to annoucne that to your world and give everyone "deatails" about your activity with the porn? I don't think so! You would have been embarrassed and shamed. And what if your kids knew? What if they "overheard" it being discussed and now they think daddy is dirt. What if your parents were on your back and telling you that they disowned you b/c of your porn addiction? You don't have to use porn.....substitute any other addiction in its place (maybe even sexual addiction) and then see if you can start to imagine how you have made the woman you vowed to "cherish" in sickness and in health.....feel. If she had turned to a "bottle" or "drugs" instead of OM....would it have made you feel better? My guess is that it would have. Know why? B/c your male ego would not have been affected if she had chose to drink or take drugs instead of her attention being on another man. Let's get down to the knitty-gritty here, okay? The bottom line to this whole thing about your FEELINGS, your exposure of her EA......your attitude about her in the other bedrooom.......EVERYTHING has to do with the fact that your male pride has had a kick in the b@lls. Now that is it, isn't it? I know it is. I've been around too long to not know. There is one advantage to getting older and that is the fact that one does getting a little wiser.
Men and women are as different as night and day. If you never read John Gray's books, then you need to. They are easy reads and good. "Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars" (or visa-versa, can't remember the title) is the one to start out with. Where the genders go wrong is when we expect our S to "think" like we do. It is physically impossible and it has been proven by science! Baby boys have had their brains examined and compared to baby girls and guess what? Yep, they are "DIFFERENT". However, all their lives, boys & girls expect the other to think and act like they do..... It's funny.
I wish I had some kind of usser name to call you other than "tryingtildorR".....that's too long (lol). Just like to make it more personal. Anyway, if you will drop your hold on her.....you know, like in "dropping the rope" that the DR book describes, then it would take a tremdous amount of pressure off her and you would focus on yourself and GAL. Then the R could start to mend. But I promise you this....if you chose not to back off and drop the rope, then she will leave and D you. She might anyway after all that has happened to her and I think that is tragic b/c it never had to get to this place. But anyway, hopefully everyone will back off and she will not go to the next level in the A and have a PA. Right now, she's thinking it wouldn't make any difference since her parents have disowned her and her H has asked her to leave and her kids think she is a horrible mother. The OM is all she has (in her way of thinking). No, don't apologize any more to her! You have already done that and if you say it again, it will make you appear weak. The reason I have brought this up "again" is b/c I want you to throughly understand the extent of the damage you have caused in this stitch just since you discovered the EA. In the beginning, you blamed her and the OM with everything and you thought you were being justified by the fact you exposed the A. I saw what you posted to other men on their threads. Now what if a Newcomer goes and reads those messages and does what you did and messes "his" stitch up in the same way? That is why I get upset when I read all these messages between the LBH's telling each other to go expose, etc. Like I said previously, there is a time and there are cases where exposure is necessary......but not in 24 hours of discovering she's made contact with OM and is emotionally connected to him. At that point, it is still a private matter between the married couple and they should try to work it out without dragging family and friends into their personal life. That is my POV on the matter. So, not to keep banging you over the head with a 2x4....b/c you do see it now, but part of this is in case other Newcomers to the board reads this post and hopefully they will see where a man needs to wait and at least give his wife time to drop the OM and withdraw from the EA. That withdrawal is like any other "addiction" and it is painful and it takes a long time to get over. So, expect the wait.
I am so pleased with your turn-around in your thinking. I really hope that your attitude and actions will follow and that you start seeing positive results soon. But if you don't see "anything", please.....please don't get down and want to give up. You see, so many men say they are going to drop the rope on their wife and move on and GAL...yada, yada. But...when the W does not make any signs of changes, THEN the man gets all upset over it. Well, that clearly shows that he DID NOT drop "anything". He's not even detached.
It is hard. There's no denying that! Thank God for this DB board and the free support Michele provides for the public. As I have said many times and will continue to tell Newcomers....this board saved my M and it can help you know what you need to do. If the M is "not" saved, you can be a survivor and move on in a healthy way. Focus on you and how you can live your life. Stay away from talking R with W. Try to keep a PMA around her and the kids. BTW, have "you" talked to the kids who know about the EA? Did she discuss it with them after she sought advise from the C? I can't imagine the impact it must have had on them.....and her. It needs to be handled in a very delicate way and I don't think young children should be told if they haven't heard somethig so far, b/c they can't deal with it.
Hope you have a good day. You have really started in the right direction now.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It's funny.
