Living, Loving, & Learning one day at a time

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((((((Treese))))))))))

Don't know how I didn't see this yesterday! Sorry!

First, I think you have no choice now but to get a lawyer. Mediation MAY be the best thing for you to do, but you can't commit to anything until you know your options. As far as moving things forward, you don't have to do a thing right now (other than get a lawyer, did I mention that?) Once H does something, you and your lawyer figure out the best response. Whatever you do, don't agree to anything, don't sign anything, without a lawyer! I don't trust your H as far as I can throw him, and I don't think I could even get him off the ground. He is going to be looking out for one person in this, you are going to have to look out for four.

Treese, you are not going to be lonely. You may be alone for a while, but that's not the same thing. You will have friends, lots of them, to help you get through this. And when the time is right, you will have a very special friend. You are smart, you are pretty , you are young, you are loving.... I could go on and on..... Try not to worry about that, you are going to be fine.

[yellowrose]

(((((((((TREESE))))))))

Snoderly gave you some wonderful advice as usual. My heart goes out to you but you know what? You will be fine. You have grown so much! You kids are lucky to have you as their mother!!!!
Love ya Treese! you are in my prayers!

Y

[Dawn of Hope]

Treese, I am sorry. I have no suggestions, as you have already been given plenty of good advice, but I know it hurts, and I am thinking of you.

Peace and blessings,
Dawn

[Creed]

Treese

Remember, crying helps, and is perfectly normal. I COULDN'T cry..I bottled up everything, and I think it hurt my health more in the end. I still haven't been able to really sit down and cry my eyes out like I did when the bomb was dropped..and I've been divorced almost 3 years now. And because I didn't let my feelings show then, I'm paying for it now.


As far as this mediation bit, unless you and your H make comparable earnings, there isn't any property involved, he's agreed to take on half of all financial responsibilties now and in the future in regards to your children , etc....don't even consider mediation.

Tell him that you need to look out for yourself and the kids, and you will be contacting an attorney (of your choosing) to represent you if/when he files for divorce. It pays to do this ahead of time, because attorneys need to make sure there is no 'conflict of interest' involved before they can take you on as a client. Once you've found one you feel comfortable and sure of, the two of you can just wait until your H and his attorney file the papers. Once he's done that...make sure that you tell your lawyer that since your H wants the divorce, and is filing..that you want some/all of your legal fees to be paid by H. This didn't happen in my case, but it should have.

If you find a good attorney, he/she will know just what/how to handle things so that it will benefit you in the end. You need someone that will watch out for YOU, and you alone. I don't really believe in mediation....I don't believe that when only one party wants to dissolve the marriage and has gone on to other people, and fathered other children, that one mediator can 'balance' things out. Either someone is looking out only for you, or they will be looking out for your H and his new woman/child, too. And I don't think that's what you want.

There is no fairness, no painless way to end a marriage, and tear a family apart. He's looking to dodge some of the guilt, so that HE doesn't have to pay in the end. Sorry..but I don't feel any empathy for someone like that.

At this point in time , you need to focus on your needs and your childrens needs...because you're the only one that will. It doesn't matter what he says to try to convince you otherwise..not at this point in his life anyway. You're on your own in protecting yourself and the kids. You need the l00% security of having your own attorney to watch out for you, and to know which pitfalls to avoid.

Don't be surprised if/when you're attorney says that the emotional things you bring up don't matter. Mine did. It doesn't matter in the end what your H said/did to hurt you, how many lies he told, etc etc. All the courts want to know are the specifics about money, property, maintenance wanted/needed, child support, etc. etc. My state is a no-fault state..which sucks. Pretty much means that the WAS never gets a slap on the wrist for bad marital behavior..and it certainly means that they don't end up paying more in the end to even things out the way they should be.

I agree with another poster. Have your kids chip in with the housework, etc. It will give them something to do other than to keep their eyes on you, and tell you if you're doing something wrong or right. And you could use the free time for yourself right now.

Make sure that your H is made to pay his fair share of the costs for your Ds wedding, future costs of schooling for the other kids, etc. Make sure the courts don't let him shirk on any of this stuff.

His lovechild comes in dead last in the financial end of this. His kids by his marriage take first chair. Regardless if he stays with OW or not, he'll be paying child support for your kids first, and THEN this other child. I also believe that any maintenance you may be awarded will be court-ordered to be taken out of his income first, and THEN child support for the love child.

An attorney can tell you better..that's why it's so important that you get one lined up now..before you actually need one. Don't wait until he files...have one picked out and ready to go. And then wait until your H makes the first move.

As someone said...don't agree to anything...written or verbal with your xh. His lawyer can talk to your lawyer when the time comes. You may be surprised at what your lawyer tells you you can expect in financial help from your H.

Remember we're all here for you...every step of the way!

[Treese]

Wow....Thank you all so much for your continued support....I think I've cried enough now....now I'm mad.....I'm not sleeping very well cause all I've thought about is how am I going to raise my younger 2 kids on my own....

When I was talking to my H that morning I told him he's not the person I married and of course he continued to say he is exactly the same person....that I wasnt' around him and I didn't see it...well....first of all if he was the same person he would be at home but ok...I don't fight with him anymore...I think I started to choke up one time and then reeled myself in....what ticks me off is that he is so CALM...how can he be so calm.....well...maybe he just wants me to agree to everything...he kept telling me we still have lawyers but it doesnt cost as much....that we could sit down with each other and go through everything because he doesnt care about the money...(he apparently just wants rid of me, then in the next breath he is telling me I will never get more than half....I said, right...half your pay and THEN come the bills...which an attorney told me because of his pay he would have to come up with 70% of the money to pay them...H also told me he even thought about taking part of his 401K to pay off the bills....but he can't do that unless I sign...I'm Not....H says attorneys are just out to take our money and then my kids will be left with nothing...I told him I am fighting for my kids....they do not deserve this pain and I will protect them as much as I can..

I have been advised by attorney's, friends, friends who are attorneys NOT to go to mediation...

I told H I was going to make sure that the 'love child" gets paid after all my payments were made and he told me he was told by the attorney he had for the paternity suit (which I paid for)...that my kids were already taken into consideration and it is already figured out...of course I said, it can't be we arent divorced yet and he said, "I told them we were getting a divorce"...

AT this point I just want peace...let him spin around in his greener grass, I don't want any part of that...right now I don't even like him....I told him I am so much better when I don't see or hear from him...of course he ALWAYS has a comeback to EVERYTHING I say...he hasnt shed a tear yet for our marriage and that is messed up...

OHHHH, he brought this up...he said, "if my mom and dad got divorced I would still love both of them"....I said, "well that's fine but you know darn well your mom and dad wouldnt get divorced so it doesnt matter...he said, "my mom said they had problems"...I said, "of course they did, everyone does but they WORKED it out, didn't they"..."he said, "my mom probably told my dad he couldn't get divorced".....BINGO!! my answers are coming....his mom has always been very controling...it's all going back to his childhood....which I really thought was amazing but I'm sure she had control...we've butted heads plenty but scary enough his mom and I are alot alike...I"m not controling but the things we believe in are the same...my H takes after his mom....So H ran from all our problems....didn't discuss them, just said, " i'm not doing anything with you treese"...that was it...

Closure...yep...I want this nightmare to end....I want happiness, I want love, my H knows I have a heart of Gold...and my friends continue to tell me that once he really sees me dating someone, it will bother him....but I personally don't think it will....he has someone, "his soul mate"..

Friends and I got in a discussion the other night about friends who have gone out and had affairs and some of them were saying how unattractive their new person was....I explained to them that they always AFFAIR DOWN...they want to be put up on that pedistol and made to feel great....it's true...my H's Ow is ugly....well to me she is...and she is always trash....forever....


Thanks again everyone for the advice, the encouragement, etc...that's why I come here....

((((hugs)))

love ya all.....Treese

[Treese]

Snodderly you hit the nail on the head with this statement....

"Painless? Oh, he's thinking of himself and not anyone else. He wants everything to be neat and tidy and wrapped up nicely with a big bow on top. Separation and divorce are painful to everyone except the mlcer. What he's saying is that he wants to cut the ties and have everything done in a very civil manner and no tears or upsets by anyone. He thinks that you can be friends after this is over with. Maybe you can and maybe you can't. I wouldn't even waste by breath trying to discuss what is painless and what isn't. He's not going to listen to you because his mind is made up. What you can do is ensure that you and your family are taken care of and make sure that your lawyer is on top of things. "

You are always so dead on....that's exactly what he's saying...I even told him he was in such a hurry to get rid of me...of course he says he's not....LOL.....

and my children will hurt the most...he says they'll be fine...that divorce happens all the time...that some of their friends parents are divorced...of course I said, "that doesnt mean it is us"...quit comparing us....and alot of those kids have issues...I mean real issues....he said, "it just gets blamed on divorce"....geez....give me that brick wall....I'll pound my head a little more...

and I will Not be his friend,,,I can't, I will be civil for my kids but not his friend....and he says he knows me better than anyone....well, he probably does, that's why he playing with my head, and pulling at my heart strings...

How come EVERYONE else knows they're in MLC and they have no clue, and will deny it til the cows come home?...blows the mind...

If I see the OW...I don't know what I'll do....seriously....that scares me....I have never called her in the 2 years I've known about all this....I'm sure she has to wonder a little what's my plan....

[job]

Treese,
The ow doesn't care what your plan is. All she is caring about is the money that your h is bringing in and she can spend and play to her heart's content. All they want is fun, fun, and more fun. His responsibilities are his and she could care less about them, just as long as he's there with her, even in body, not in mind. They just don't care what they've done or how they did it.

BTW, you are correct in stating that they affair down. My xh's ow will never see 110 again, more like 150 now at 5ft. Oh, you'll die laughing at this one...someone saw her photo on Facebook and told me that her hair is no longer black....it is now the color of mine...strawberry blonde and it's cut the way that use to wear my hair back in the late 70's. Gee, I should be flattered that she wants to look like me! She's pathetic and unbecoming as well. Very childish and immature in what she does w/her life. Oh, well...the sand will soon run out of that sand box.

They are all just plain nuts, if you ask me.

Take care of you and your children and I wouldn't do mediation either.

[Treese]

OMG Snodderly....I laughed when I read your post...

My H's OW...amazingly....her hair color was mine also (i changed mine)...she always had almost black hair also and when I saw a picture of her, it was mine...her hair was all stringy though...nasty....anyway, my niece saw her picture and said the same thing, that it was my hair...funny what they'll do..My H knows that I always was well groomed when we went somewhere..

.I'll bet she wears my perfume...my H loved Eternity...she will NEVER be me...she can try but I'm one in a million

I agree with you....the sand in the hour glass is almost gone..let them play....reality will hit...H can still run to sisters if he's had enough of OW for a few days...he has an out all the time...wait til they live together full time...he'll see how good he had it....in time....

Thanks for the laugh Snodderly....

[Andabelle]

I know of a sitch wherein the OW decorated her house EXACTLY like the W's so the WAH would feel right at home there. Mondo creepy.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, ((((((Treese))))))!!

It's been a long time and I've wondered about you......

I'm so sorry you are in such pain right now. You are an amazingly beautiful person and deserve better!!

I just have a few points I want to share with you that have helped me to turn a corner recently.....

1. Of course you understand the need to get a lawyer to protect your and your kids interests, but also I chose to get one because I did not want to spend the emotional currency of going through D by myself! I am an emotional person (nothing wrong with that I am finding) and I don't have the ability to seperate that from my thoughts in making decisions..... so I needed a lawyer for my own mental and emotional health. It took a while (I interviewed several) but I found one that I really bonded with and felt much more comfortable after I had found her.

2. Speaking of "emotional seperation", My C told me that in his experience, people that go through these MLC type of things, are people who have a historically tendened to see things in black and white with little room for the gray areas in life, BUT they have always sort of worn their "morals" like a coat they put on. They talk the talk, and even appear to walk the walk, but as far as their real inner belief system goes.....not really. Do ya' see what I mean? They "believe" with their head and not their heart. These people can seemingly "change" almost beyond recognition very quickly.

My C said that he knows a woman who was married for 35 years to a minister. His father was a minister too. She was the perfect minister's wife and they raised several children together...... Up until 10 years ago when he left and he now lives up on a mountain with no eletricity and "communes with nature" and is an avowed athiest!

I know this description very much fits my H, because looking back I can see many instances where he was not one to "take the higher road". I remember thinking to myself that I absolutely abhor "judgemental people" and yet my H was the most judgemental person I have ever met! I'm wondering if maybe that applies with your H too, because he has this "love child" that is now 10 years old. That seems to me that perhaps this is not just "MLC", but a real long standing lack of true conviction of moral values.......

3. Having said that, I will ask you a question...... if you could absolutely 100% guarantee that just around the corner there was man just waiting for you who was genuine, and affectionate, and funny, and dependable, and....... if this man was standing next to you with his hand out to you, and your H was standing on the other side with his hand held out saying he would "change", who would you choose?...... and why?

I asked myself this very question very recently and was surprised to come to the realization that I would choose "the new guy". Don't get me wrong. I love my H and always will until the day I die. But I realize that the only real reason I would want him back now would be because of our history together and the sorrow of letting that go..... but that is not enough to build a happy future on. The man my H is now is not the man I thought he was (or the man HE thought he was either!).

Anyway, hang in there, Treese! Remember, if you want to look me up in the alt under "SChrldr", I would love to talk with you.

Take care!