Why not?

[antlers]

So, I just keep trucking. I'm going to keep holding my ground and gal and we'll see how things progress.

I don't know what to do with this kind of caring...

That's it! You just keep on truckin'! Hold your ground, GAL, and see how things progress!

[antlers]

It does matter aliveandkicking! If he was really in love with someone else, he would drop you like a hot rock! He hasn't done that!

What if as Sandi says, it is just a control issue? He is getting off on having the upper hand. He feels that I was in control in the R and he felt like sh*t about himself and now this is "payback". I'm not mind-reading, I am piecing together his words.

Regardless...you're still in his thoughts...and you still matter to him! This IS NOT indifference!

[gucci loafer]

The Gooch is here Alive.. Thanks for inviting me over....

Just a couple of thoughts on some of the recent happenings...
(you started on the CORRECT path)

LOL. He's here. Just said I've been acting weird this week. I said "Actually, it is just sane and I feel great."

See? He quickly picked up on the "let go" attitude. He quickly tested your resolve. "Weird" meant that he suspects a change in attitude. (this is what you WANT him to think)

Your best answer would have been... "Oh really, I didn't think so. I just have been busy and have a lot on my mind." (then dropped it and started the "well, I don't have time to chat" routine and told him you "had to _______(fill in the busy blank)

Then, I said I needed to run out and do some things if he is going to be here...he asked me if I was back in therapy? Nope...LOL

Not bad Alive.. You see? You women know all about this stuff. You are just out of practice. He fell right into place when you put some mystery into the equation (see how easy us men are?) and stopped this "hangin in there see how much I have changed attitude. (he NEEDS to see the "I am perfectly fine the way I am attitude and if you don't like or want that, there are plenty of men who do)
(you don't SAY that to him, but SHOW him that with your being busy and non apologetic attitude about being busy.
It is an ATTITUDE...


So.. You started out great.....BUT THEN...

Well, I flinched already. H was so offended by my "attitude" that he said he could "be an a**hole too." And I got scared.

Your answer: YES, I agree with you there "dear" You SURE can be an "ahole" too.... (said with a tad bit of truth and a tad bid of joking attitude, followed by changing the subject) IT is "banter".... Banter causes atttraction. Banter with him. Stand up to his comments and hit him ack with your own. (he deserves it when done with the correct "attitude"

I clarified that the only thing I'm doing is taking care of myself and my kids. I told him he's just setting me up as the a**hole for setting boundaries.

From the above quote on... YEP you blew it.. Back to square one... Don't talk about "setting boundaries"

Boundaries are set by ACTION. "This is what I have decided or this is what I AM doing"... Talking to him about how you are setting boundaries with him is useless and a waste of time and actually makes the WS feel that you are weak. What they RESPOND to is ACTION.....


That is it... Just wanted to give you MY feedback. You started in the right direction, but blew it and now it puts you back to square one. You failed the test that he gave you.

[aliveandkicking]

Thanks Gucci.

I guess mildly threatening me did the trick. And, I think my desire to know what is going on roped me into the long conversation we ended up in.

But, I see that I just fed his ego plenty by engaging.

I am a really sensitive, straight-forward, open book kind of person. I guess that doesn't work in these situations.

[antlers]

Kinda confusing to me too, where dishonesty and game playing trump honesty and sincerity! DB'n is good and sound advice, and the principles are solid. I don't know if DB'n really includes dishonesty and game playing! I think you are strong and solid for being sensitive and straight forward! I think you can DB like a mutha...and still be honest, sensitive, and straight forward!

[aliveandkicking]

I don't know. My problem is that I can do the banter and play ball but when things come up that are important, it is like I get hit in the gut and honesty spills out.

He knows how much I care about my family and my kids. That is my achilles heel, sick as it sounds.

[Coach]

I am a really sensitive, straight-forward, open book kind of person. I guess that doesn't work in these situations.

I'm calling BS on that. It's not working because you are not straight forward and open with your husband. You are scared to death to set a boundary - he might not like it (because you are too sensistive?!? no, it's because you hurt so much you don't want anyone else to hurt.)
How about you stand up for yourself, take care of your business and call a spade a spade. Your husband has some serious issues, are you gonna fix them? Keep coddling him and treating him like a Mom - that doesn't work!
What does he have to do to you to make you stand up for yourself? Listen to Gucci the boundaries will be set and enforced with actions. Actions that are healthy, good for you and the kids. Actions that will start to provide a little normalcy and stability.
Here is a boundary for me. I am not going to post back to you unless you start taking positive steps for yourself. Actions, work, do .... whatever you want to call it. Love is a verb (a action word), start loving yourself.

I send this with love, prayers and hope for you and your family. Handle it.

Cheers
Coach

[aliveandkicking]

I think I need to get more help IRL. I think this all comes down to fear again. I think H is likely a clinical narcissist and our dynamic is scary to me.