I’ve been reading the SSM board after buying and reading the book. I’ve gained much useful information from others on this board, although unfortunately none of it has worked in my case.
I know I’ll probably leave a lot out, but here it is: I am 54, H is 51. H is lower desire spouse. Been together 1 yr, 2 months. Married 2 months. Met in 1969, he was 17, I was 20. Parents didn’t like me, mother hated me as I was older. She made life miserable for him so after 6 months we parted, but not happily.
My first marriage lasted 27yrs and was abusive. Ex had (and still does have) anger problems. Many times I wanted to leave the marriage but with 2 small children, no means of support and no family nearby I wasn’t able to. Back then women were supposed to live with it. Throughout my marriage, I never gave up thinking I would meet Current H again.
In Feb. 2002, I located him through a website and sent him a generic email. Got one back the next day. At that time, I had not yet filed for divorce. We emailed each other a lot about what happened in the years since we’d last seen each other.
On Easter 2002 my ex exploded for the last time (tirades usually aimed at youngest S25, as S25 can never do anything right in ex’s eyes). I filed for divorce. In April 2002, I drove to see my Current H and spent 10 wonderful days getting to know each other again. It was as if someone put us on “Pause” then hit the “Resume” button. We got along wonderfully in *every* sense of the word. My divorce was final in June 2002. CH drove out to get me and drive Uhaul back to his house where I have lived ever since.
From the day I moved in with him, our sex life changed. From nightly or every other night, to once or twice a week, to few times a month to now – where it’s once a month or twice. I tried everything I could think of on my own, things mentioned in SSM and on this board. Other than for sex, our relationship is very good. I love him a lot and he says he loves me, which I do not doubt. He’s kind, considerate, trustworthy and honest. He has told me that he’s had this problem for a number of years, which may be in part why his previous marriages/relationships failed.
Within the past couple of weeks he had a complete physical and blood-work. All came back normal, testosterone was above normal.
I wrote him a letter about things I’d read that I thought pertained to us. He read it and didn’t disagree, but didn’t say anything, either. Finally, yesterday I asked him about it and he told me he couldn't think of anything I could do or say that would turn him on, nor could he think of anything I could do to give him pleasure. <sigh>
He’s more aroused in the morning, but he gets up quite early (5:30am,) to get to work, so that leaves the weekends. But his company has been making the guys come in early and work Saturdays, too. Which leaves Sunday morning. This is OK; I'll take once a week. But what happens if I honestly and truly don’t feel good on Sunday morning? Am I SOL for that week? I didn’t get an answer.
He said it was not my problem, it was his. I told him that it's *our* problem. I try not to take it personally, but how can I not? I asked him about watching some naughty movies. Nope. Oral sex. Nope. Whisper a few naughty words in his ear. Nope. I’ve tried wearing the sexy lingerie. Nothing.
I know you’re all thinking: Why did she marry him? Because I love him, and he loves me. Because the sex is the only area of the relationship that needs work, the other areas are very good. Because we can sit down, talk it over, and work on the issue. Seeing the medical doctor (for the first time in several years) was the first step for him and when I told him I just didn’t know what to do anymore, he said he’d talk to a therapist with me.
So, I want to thank all of you who have mentioned therapy. I called my company’s employee assistance program this morning. A case manager called me and helped set up an initial two visit for the two of us. (The first one is next Wednesday) But I do know that if I hadn’t surfed this board I doubt I’d have made the first call.
My apologies for any typos in this message. First time poster, long time lurker.
Quote: Hi GR I haven't posted a reply before as I'm not sure how great advice I would give on this. Have you seen the C yet? How did it go?
Your reply came through just fine, Jiji, and thanks for the follow-up. Our appt is next Wednesday and H said he's actually looking forward to it. I think he's ready to get the 'monkey off his back', so to speak.
I asked him yesterday if he felt uncomfortable or embarrassed when I talked about toys, movies and such. He said no, but that it took him off-guard because he was raised to not expect that from a 'lady.' I said this was true when I was growing up, too, but that between a man and a wife, anything is fair game as long as both enjoy it and are comfortable with it. He is uncomfortable when I do things for him or buy things for him. "No one has ever done that for me before," he told me. I'm happy to say that his comfort level on that score is improving.
This leads me to wonder if somewhere in the past he mentioned things like this to a woman/wife and she told him he was dirty or disgusting, etc.. From things I've picked up from H, his son and my FIL, the first wife was a real B*, and still is. H said this issue goes all the way back to that time '72/'73 and it's only gotten worse.
I do think that all my openness and talk has stuck in his mind, though, because last night he was rarin' to go and it was the best ever.
My goal today is to back off, not seem too eager for a repeat of last night, and don't rock the boat. I think H will need quite some time with a C one-on-one to work past the demons in his mind, but I've no doubt he'll be a much happier man.
He told me that no one has ever wanted to help him or accept him as he is like I do. I told him that's because no one has, or ever will, love him like I do. He smiled and nodded his head.
Wish us luck and the best of luck to you, too. I've been reading your thread.
I replied to your reply to me on the "Sexual Issues" topic. I hope I don't end up repeating that here:)
My H (LD, 38) and I (HD, 45) have been married for around 1.5 years. We dated for 3 years before marrying. This is my 3rd marriage. I was married at age 18 to a man 11 years older; we were married for 7 years before divorcing due to his cheating. He was also HD but, unfortunately, wasn't only having sex with me every day. My 2nd marriage lasted 15 years (2 kids) before I filed for divorce due to ongoing verbal abuse and being pretty much a single parent although I was married. Sex wasn't a issue there except for me not being able or willing to switch into sex mode after being constantly verbally abused.
My current H and I met 2 weeks after I filed for divorce. At the time we met he was going to a neighborhood bar and drinking every night. He wanted a part-time girlfriend and made it clear that he'd never put me before his friends or family. We were together a year before I stopped our relationship because he really didn't want more than a part-time relationship. We got back together in Oct. 2000 and have been together ever since, marrying in 2002.
Shortly before our wedding I found hundreds of internet pictures of women (boobs and bj's) in our bedroom. He insisted that he'd had them forever, but the dates they were printed (some) were dates AFTER we got back together. I was so hurt that he would prefer this to me and sleep with me every night WITHOUT touching me. None of these pictures look any better than I do. I also know that he has pictures in his office of his ex-wife and ex-girlfriends even though he has no kids with any of them. Many times I think the reason he doesn't want me is because he is unwilling to give up old memories. I don't understand why he'd want to keep pictures of women that have cheated on him though.
Sorry, so long. I have the house to myself (yeah!) and am just rattling on.
I am LD, xw was HD, somewhere in our fourties, she went to HD from and I declined into LD compared to her. I read this is one of natures cruel jokes. Which I believe in.
You mention he fulfils your other needs, so I guess your love tank is normally full.
One thing that made it worse is. XW wanted to sex a lot longer than I could deliver, she mentioned her girlfreind and her H made love 2 1/2 hours. So in my case I avoided it even more, because I felt I was not delivering.
I don't know the solution, just something to think about.
Quote: Rose I am LD, xw was HD, somewhere in our fourties, she went to HD from and I declined into LD compared to her. I read this is one of natures cruel jokes. Which I believe in.
Hey, Poe:
I refer to myself as HD, even though once a week is fine with me and I'm not sure that qualifies as HD. (although to a LD person, I suppose it is). What's weird is that I'm 2 years post-menopausal and I'd always read that desire levels in women are supposed to plummet. Well, that just isn't the case with me (and I'm not on any HRT). My level is higher than ever.
Quote: You mention he fulfils your other needs, so I guess your love tank is normally full.
Yep, despite the high cost of fuel that part of the tank is normally full.
Quote: One thing that made it worse is. XW wanted to sex a lot longer than I could deliver, she mentioned her girlfreind and her H made love 2 1/2 hours. So in my case I avoided it even more, because I felt I was not delivering.
I don't know the solution, just something to think about.
Duration is not a problem. When we do make love, the duration is just right: not too long and not too short. It's getting to that point. It's also very demoralizing to hear my H say there's nothing I can do to give him pleasure.
I came right out and asked him is he didn't enjoy the act of making love. I mean if nothing gives him pleasure does he just look at it like another job? He told me he did enjoy it. So, I'm getting mixed signals, which is what finally led me to call for a C session.
Another thing that gets me upset is that he seems to get 'interested' at exactly the point when it seems I've reached my limit. When I start getting edgy, cranky and downright b****y it's like the light goes on and he thinks, "Uh-oh, better get cranking."
I guess it would make things better if I didn't have any interest in him sexually, but that's just not the case.
Quote: Another thing that gets me upset is that he seems to get 'interested' at exactly the point when it seems I've reached my limit. When I start getting edgy, cranky and downright b****y it's like the light goes on and he thinks, "Uh-oh, better get cranking."
Rose, it would be interesting to map or keep track of his "Uh-oh, better get cranking." is it you motivatiing him or is it his monthly cycle, mine is monthly right now.
Also have you listen or read Mars/Venus it may help.
Quote: Rose, it would be interesting to map or keep track of his "Uh-oh, better get cranking." is it you motivatiing him or is it his monthly cycle, mine is monthly right now.
At the risk of having darts thrown at me I will say that I do keep track. For me it's more a matter of how many nights I've wondered what the hell was wrong with me, then cried myself to sleep. After one of those nights I'm not my best the next morning. For a while I can shake it off, but as it goes on, the lousier I feel, the crankier I get till I'm a real *&^%$. Then, it seems, the H gets it into gear.
Quote: Also have you listen or read Mars/Venus it may help.
I did, during my first marriage. I understand Gray's theories, but didn't find them helpful. Right now, I'm reading the 5 Love Languages and also a series of books by Barry & Emily McCarthy. The McCarthy books I'm finding very helpful.
I also picked up Michele's book Getting Through to the Man You Love. From this one, I've learned to always wait till he's done at the PC before I talk to him about anything serious.
Poe, Just curious--what do you mean by a monthly cycle? My dh is the same as Granite's. He waits til I am on the verge of being furious to kick it in gear. Doesn't make me feel real desired, but it does illuminate the fact that he is deathly afraid of my temper, lol.
Also, what was it about her increased libido that made yours disappear?
Thank you so much for your thoughts; it is so helpful to me in my own marriage.
Quote: Poe, Just curious--what do you mean by a monthly cycle? My dh is the same as Granite's. He waits til I am on the verge of being furious to kick it in gear. Doesn't make me feel real desired, but it does illuminate the fact that he is deathly afraid of my temper, lol.
Also, what was it about her increased libido that made yours disappear?
Thank you so much for your thoughts; it is so helpful to me in my own marriage.
Same question here. Please expound a bit.
I interpreted the monthly cycle as meaning the amount of time he feels he can safely go before I blow up?
I will say that the time frame has gotten gradually longer since I first met back up with him in April, 2002. At that time, he couldn't keep his hands off me. Of course, he attributed that to the fact that he hadn't been with a woman in 5 yrs.
I thought, "OK, so it always won't be several times a night." Boy, was I ever over-optimistic. It went to practically zero when I moved in with him. I heard all the excuses: Muscle cramps (increased potassium eliminated these), uncomfy underwear (changed style/size), etc. etc. For every excuse we came up with a solution. Still the sex went down and down until it was once a month.
Bought books, read books, offered suggestions. Sex went from once a month to 3 times a month. I thought we were on a roll. Now, it's back to once or twice a month and which is why we are going to C tomorrow.
So, Poe . . . is that what you mean by monthly cycle? The # of times average a month?
that part of the tank is normally full. 
