I’ve been reading the SSM board after buying and reading the book. I’ve gained much useful information from others on this board, although unfortunately none of it has worked in my case.
I know I’ll probably leave a lot out, but here it is: I am 54, H is 51. H is lower desire spouse. Been together 1 yr, 2 months. Married 2 months. Met in 1969, he was 17, I was 20. Parents didn’t like me, mother hated me as I was older. She made life miserable for him so after 6 months we parted, but not happily.
My first marriage lasted 27yrs and was abusive. Ex had (and still does have) anger problems. Many times I wanted to leave the marriage but with 2 small children, no means of support and no family nearby I wasn’t able to. Back then women were supposed to live with it. Throughout my marriage, I never gave up thinking I would meet Current H again.
In Feb. 2002, I located him through a website and sent him a generic email. Got one back the next day. At that time, I had not yet filed for divorce. We emailed each other a lot about what happened in the years since we’d last seen each other.
On Easter 2002 my ex exploded for the last time (tirades usually aimed at youngest S25, as S25 can never do anything right in ex’s eyes). I filed for divorce. In April 2002, I drove to see my Current H and spent 10 wonderful days getting to know each other again. It was as if someone put us on “Pause” then hit the “Resume” button. We got along wonderfully in *every* sense of the word. My divorce was final in June 2002. CH drove out to get me and drive Uhaul back to his house where I have lived ever since.
From the day I moved in with him, our sex life changed. From nightly or every other night, to once or twice a week, to few times a month to now – where it’s once a month or twice. I tried everything I could think of on my own, things mentioned in SSM and on this board. Other than for sex, our relationship is very good. I love him a lot and he says he loves me, which I do not doubt. He’s kind, considerate, trustworthy and honest. He has told me that he’s had this problem for a number of years, which may be in part why his previous marriages/relationships failed.
Within the past couple of weeks he had a complete physical and blood-work. All came back normal, testosterone was above normal.
I wrote him a letter about things I’d read that I thought pertained to us. He read it and didn’t disagree, but didn’t say anything, either. Finally, yesterday I asked him about it and he told me he couldn't think of anything I could do or say that would turn him on, nor could he think of anything I could do to give him pleasure. <sigh>
He’s more aroused in the morning, but he gets up quite early (5:30am,) to get to work, so that leaves the weekends. But his company has been making the guys come in early and work Saturdays, too. Which leaves Sunday morning. This is OK; I'll take once a week. But what happens if I honestly and truly don’t feel good on Sunday morning? Am I SOL for that week? I didn’t get an answer.
He said it was not my problem, it was his. I told him that it's *our* problem. I try not to take it personally, but how can I not? I asked him about watching some naughty movies. Nope. Oral sex. Nope. Whisper a few naughty words in his ear. Nope. I’ve tried wearing the sexy lingerie. Nothing.
I know you’re all thinking: Why did she marry him? Because I love him, and he loves me. Because the sex is the only area of the relationship that needs work, the other areas are very good. Because we can sit down, talk it over, and work on the issue. Seeing the medical doctor (for the first time in several years) was the first step for him and when I told him I just didn’t know what to do anymore, he said he’d talk to a therapist with me.
So, I want to thank all of you who have mentioned therapy. I called my company’s employee assistance program this morning. A case manager called me and helped set up an initial two visit for the two of us. (The first one is next Wednesday) But I do know that if I hadn’t surfed this board I doubt I’d have made the first call.
My apologies for any typos in this message. First time poster, long time lurker.
