Prematurely called divorce busted, worse now

[Orich]

Thanx, saffie

[steady]

Thanks Puppy. I just wish I had known and implemented this a year ago when the first bomb dropped. Then I learned about it but didn't really apply it correctly until the detachment really accelerated after the second bomb.

I just hope I can help people to see it and do it sooner in their sitch so they don't have to learn it the harder way as I have.

Just passing it on as it was passed on to me by so many here.

[Orich]

Here is a question, how do you handle setbacks? I don't know how well my DBing is going, as I haven't seen any real reaction from W. One of her complaints about me was my bad short term memory. I don't know why it is bad, but it is. I guess she always saw it as me not caring enough to remember, or something like that. Last night we went food shopping with the kids. She gave me a couple of items to grab as we split up. I forgot to get frozen bagels for the boys to eat this morning. So, I get e text message earlier today asking where the bagels were, that I was supposed to pick them up and obviously I forgot. I typed back that I thought she had gotten them, then forgot about it by the time we got to the register. She said the boys wanted their bagels, and now they can't have them.
Is there something at this point I should do or say?
As long as I am posting, I saw my IC last night. He says I am carrying a lot right now, and that I could keep carrying it as long as I want, but it is ultimately going to do damage. He feels that I need to confront W and give some sort of time table. In other words, tell her to s**t or get off the pot. I posted earlier that she keeps saying the M is over, but hasn't pulled the trigger. I am going to say something to her this weekend at a time when the kids aren't around, or asleep at night. I admit to myself that I am afraid to do this, but I also know that I can't go on forever pretending we are a family. I still hope that her IC brings about a breakthrough, but I have to be realistic, I guess.

[Orich]

By the way, after my IC last night, before I went home I hit the gym. I had so much anger and frustration to work off that I broke my treadmill record. I was very proud of myself. It might not mean much to anyone else, but going from being a couch potato to doing 60 minutes at 4.5 on the treadmill for me was a big deal. I wanted to share this minor triumph, and since I really can't share it with my best friend right now, I thought I would share it here.
Thanks for reading.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I saw my IC last night. He says I am carrying a lot right now, and that I could keep carrying it as long as I want, but it is ultimately going to do damage. He feels that I need to confront W and give some sort of time table. In other words, tell her to s**t or get off the pot.

I'm not a big fan of communicated deadlines. I love INTERNAL deadlines, so that YOU know you've got some sort of lifeline out there on your horizon (say, three, six or twelve months from Bomb day), but I don't like communicating them to wayward spouses.

The problem with a communicated deadline of "X" to a cake-eater is that you'll find that they'll continue to cake-eat right up until "X-1", at which point they'll promise you the moon and the stars not to dump their sorry a$$. (Think "giving a pull-out date to a group of terrorists, only in reverse).

Put more clearly, if you tell her, say, that she has "until September 1st to decide," she'll not only cake-eat until August 31st, but you will have given her implicit approval to continue her fogged-out behavior until then.

I do agree with your IC, tho, that you can't keep going on like this. In fact, my more aggressive approach to DBing is entirely based upon how long I think a LBS can hold on. If they're able to handle it really well, I say go for it, but I find that most can't. Not without serious emotional damage and severe hits to their self-esteem.

Puppy

P.S. As for her bagels text, I either wouldn't respond, or I'd text her a "Yep - sorry. I'm a horrible father, starving my kids, and a crappy husband, too." Some sort of sarcastic fall-on-the-sword to take away her attack.

[steady]

Congrats on breaking your record. It is a big deal - be proud of yourself.

I'm not sure I agree with the MC on the shite or get off the pot thing. Prematurely pressing for 'change' can often yield unwanted results. I try not to give advice in matters like this. I always maintain that you never know what an action will result in. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. You have to figure out what the right thing to do is, and sometimes that's not possible to do. Maybe some others can give you feedback on it. I would suggest doing nothing until you are crystal clear (or close to it) about what action to take.

You need to clarify specifically what the IC is talking about when he says 'you are carrying a lot' and how it will do damage.

On the short term memory thing - carry around one of those little notepads in your back pocket with a small pencil. Write down things you need to do or remember. Make sure you write down the information as soon as you get it and then check the pad frequently.

It amazes me how you can remember 50 things, forget one, and the only thing they focus on is the 1 thing you forgot. Nothing is ever said about the 50 things you remembered. Don't beat yourself up. Everyone forgets these things as one time or another, and I'm sure you can think of examples of when your W has done the same. Try the small pad. I think it will help a lot. I am always writing myself little notes and even tape them to my dashboard at night so I remember it when I get in the car.

[Orich]

Thanks guys.
The stuff that I am carrying is difficult, but not life-threatening yet. I think a lot of it comes down to my co-dependancy. In other words, holding on looking for last threads of hope for our M because the M is what I base my self-worth on, rather than basing my M on my self-worth, if that makes sense. I have stated before, if I know there is hope I can hold on for as much time as it takes. I still don't want to give up on this M.
One thing the IC did say was that maybe she is stuck herself, not sure what to do, and by confronting her, it might be a kick in the rear-end she needs to look at the M and realize it is not worth losing.

[Gardener]

Orich,
fwiw and imho,

Here is a question, how do you handle setbacks? I don't know how well my DBing is going, as I haven't seen any real reaction from W.

But most of your DBing is for you, right? Like going from couch potato to record-breaking gym star? That's (a damn good) part of your DBing, as is so much more, right? Make a list of your DB successes.

I typed back that I thought she had gotten them, then forgot about it by the time we got to the register. She said the boys wanted their bagels, and now they can't have them.
Is there something at this point I should do or say?

I would resend your original reply word for word. And then ignore any further communication on that subject.

[Orich]

Thanks, Gardener, you are right, dbing is mostly for me. I have always given too much of what I perceived to be a reflection on me by what W said. I didn't text anything back, and will leave it alone.

[steady]

Olrich you have to let go of hope/no hope for your sitch. Also, don't make the hope or no hope thing a prerequisite for DB'ing. One moment you'll have hope, the next minute you won't - if you make that as a requisite for DB'ing then one minute you'll be DB'ing the next minute you won't.

DB'ing is for YOU, not for your M. You are still connecting your improvement to your M... if I improve enough, I can save my M...get rid of this.

This is why detaching is so hard. It's is threaded and intertwined in everything we do and we need to disentangle it.

Maybe confronting will give her a kick in the ass - to save M or to walk out the door. That's the gamble. You don't know where the kick is going to lead.

Everyone here is codependent. That's why we freak out, beg, plead, cry, etc... when the bomb drops. DB'ing is about breaking those unhealthy ties to the R, making us stronger individuals who don't NEED the R for happiness, but WANT the R to add to our happiness. There's a big difference between want and need. Hence the neediness on our part to repair and salvage the M - especially in the beginning.

Everyone takes a self esteem hit when confronted by the abandonment by a spouse. EVERYONE. Work on repairing it...that's what this board is about, what GAL'ing is about, what your improvement is about.

When you are not needy for the relationship, when you can be a strong independent, confident person outside of the R, are detached from your spouse, detached from the outcome of the sitch (especially this one), then, and only then, will you be the most attractive to your spouse.

This is why DETACHING is the most important principle in DB'ing. It is the pivot on which all things rest. (In my opinion)