Thank you gucci, your advice to others maybe what saves my R. i'm not ignoring her, or being an @sshole, but i'm stopping being her friend through this.
That's one of the misconceptions I see here. Most of us view being a friend of let me fix it for you, let me take care of you, I'm sorry I'll change etc. You are being a true friend right now. You are showing your friend how you are to be treated, you respect yourself enough to have strong, healthy boundaries. As a friend you are letting her feel the consequences for her actions and not rescuing/enabling her. I think what you are doing is a very loving gesture to yourself and your wife. It just doesn't fit into the cultural idea of what friends are. You are handling it.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
well, W called twice today at noon. left a mssg the 2nd time asking me to call her back, said she doesn't know what is going on but she is starting to get scared.
have no idea what that means but whatever.
just txtd her back 4 hours later saying, "Hey u, stop worryin i'm fine. sorry i don't have time to call, i just got back in and have 2 get ready 2 go out to dinner b4 work. Plz shred my debit card u found."
i immediately shut my phone off after i hit send.
puppy, you were so right about it being SIMPLE what i need to do, but it is SO NOT EASY. it feels wrong in so many ways, but i know what i was doing wasn't working before. it kept ME stuck in limbo and kept ME dangling on her string.
after having such a great time last nite, i miss my old life even less. and having completely read ALL of PearlH's threads, i have a better understanding of how this stuff SHOULD work. her story should be required reading for every new person on this board. i'm not saying she did it perfectly, but after reading her whole sitch for 4 days straight, i came away with a better understanding of how this all can work.
my gal efforts this week have been really beneficial to my state of mind. i don't feel helpless in this sitch or in my life anymore. also, i'm starting to write out a list of what i want my future R's to be. they are my wants, desires, and boundaries of what is acceptable or not. whether she ever decides to come back or not, i know all my future R's will be far more healthier then anyone's i've had in the past.
thank you to everyone on this board. you really do help and get through to some people. i believe i am one of them.
quick update, W texted at 8pm thursday nite saying, "Wow way to be a good friend."
no idea what that's supposed to mean, but it feels like she's trying ot bait me out. no response sent or given.
any of the ladies out there have an opinion about this? i don't think what i said came off to brash, as i checked with a couple close friends who are familiar with the sitch, and they didn't see anything wrong with my earlier reply in the day.
puppy, did i come off being an @sshole? i don't think i'm going to respond to ANYTHING she says in texts or calls for a few more days, i was thinking til like monday.
she would have to be speaking some miraclous talk for me to respond back to her at this point. and honestly, i think it may be a few days before i hear back from her anyways. i would actually prefer it that way right now, as it is a minor stress trying to figure out how to respond to her when she does. i almost dread seeing her name come up on caller id now.....
I don't know. some of the cockiness you're showing sounds a little immature. Remember how you said you relate to 20 year olds? Well some of the game playing that you're doing sure sounds like it.
I'm not saying you should answer all her calls, but a couple of live interactions wouldn't have been so bad.
It doesn't sound like you're serious about saving your R. Just playing games with her. The problem is that if you keep having that cocky attitude if she comes back, when her maturity level exceeds yours, she's going to leave again.
Just my 2 cents.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Be careful who you listen to on this site. As you read in Pearl's thread, others tried to tell her some of the same things Stuck said to you. Don't let it bother you... We can call it anything you want.. Games, immature, reality, whatever...
The key is doing what works to get them back or learn how to move on and not have to be going through this for two years and still be in the same place....
The approach you are taking now is the one that works the BEST. By FAR.. I have been at this for a LONG time. Your approach now is the wisest direction. You are doing fine. Let her come to you. Works MUCH better that way....
If and when you do talk to her again (and you WILL) and she mentions the "way to be a friend" thing again, just make LIGHT of it and duck and dodge and change the subject.....
Then keep right on doing what you have been doing...
I'm not saying you should answer all her calls, but a couple of live interactions wouldn't have been so bad.
It is thinking like this that could be the reason you are still at this after so long...
On another note... My wife and I have been invited to a party Sunday afternoon from a couple we have helped to reconcile....
She was wayward... I told him to leave her alone and start dating... HE DID.. (took him long enough) Didn't take her long to start the begging, crying an asking me for advice on what she could do to get HIM back... (I thought to myself.. HE should make you suffer for at least six months to make shure you know he means business now)
Do you BS's know how much pressure you put on those of us who give advice? Expecially the strong advice that I give. Talk about PRESSURE...
How sweet it is........We used the same type of advice that Gooch gives on here.... As is typical.. It worked like a charm
i've been doing a ton of reading on passive agressive behavior today, and feel i have a bit of it, and rather my W has the huge majority of it. actually, PA's are attracted to codependents and i think we ended up rubbing off on each other over the years.
Yes...good, that was what I was trying to tell you. I forgot to use the term "passive agreesive" but that is exactly right in this case with the two of you. Find out as much information as you can on the subject.
Quote:
should i wait for her to contact? probably yes. i do want to thank her for bringing our shih-tzu home.
Until you break that habit of constantly making contacts with her....you will "always" find an excuse. The dog seems like a legimate reason to call, doesn't it? I mean you want her to know you really appreciate it. Never-the-less.......DON'T CALL. There will always be something you could think of to contact her. It is not necessary. Each time you call, it causes a reaction from her and first thing you know.....it goes down that same old path, and that is what you want to avoid. So, stop now, today......don't call and thank her, leave it alone.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
i am seriously considering making up an imaginary gf. i know one person's thoughts on this already (gucci) and i know i got a huge reaction out of her 2 weeks ago when she thought i was out on a date. i believe at this point i have nothing to lose by doing so. telling her i miss her and that i care and am here for her sure hasn't been working. im starting to think i have to be 100% out of her life for her to make any decisions. i can't be her "friend" anymore. i believe i'm prepared to do that now.
any thoughts about this? i'm prepared for all responses
I think you know my thoughts... (all based on success with these methods compared to the "be there for them method")
I have seen TWO success stories in my personal dealings off this site in the last month... (2 for 2 I might add)
Both accomplished with the same methods and routines...
They were...
Be and act happy just the way things are. Don't call them, let them call you go out with other people (date.. there is that bad word again) Enjoy friend and any hobby you may have.... When they do call.. Be polite, cut them off after some small talk with comments such as "Well, nice talking to you,but I was just__________ (leaving or in the middle "of" or anything that says you don't have time to chit chat cause you are sooooo busy)"
You people are begging for success stories and I have just given you two new ones and told you what happened and what the person did that made the other to come back.... I know you want it to be done with the "hang in there" method. I just don't see that working when I see it......Reality is what matters and not what you "hope" will work.
You are doing fine. Let her come to you. Works MUCH better that way....
but that is exactly right in this case with the two of you. Find out as much information as you can on the subject.