How r u doing Renee? I pray that it is getting easier for you and all of us in here.I miss my husband but I dont think I could handle him living in the same town with IT(germ).MAybe God took him to Georgia because of this reason...he wouldnt give me more than I could bear....and that would of been tii much for me....take care
If you trust the process of MLC and that infidelity does not yield secure relationships, you will not be fooled, but many are easily fooled. Have faith in the process.
He is enjoying his freedom and all that comes with it. Why would he ever want to give that up?Because freedom isn’t free. Though he is free to be with her, there is rarely freedom in an OW relationship. It comes with guilt, losing everything one holds dear and an OW holding a leash—since she needs to monitor and control her married man. She wants and needs to be rescued—desperately. Desperation yields fear, controlling and clinging. If you were dating a married man, would you trust him? Maybe you would be stupid enough to trust in the beginning, but not for long. What freedom? OW’s are distrusting by nature, which makes them controlling and possessive. The more freedom he has to be with the OW, the closer the relationship gets to the end.
How can I compete with the fantasy of her undying love and attention, not to mention the easier life!You can’t. It’s a fantasy; you do not need to compete. In the end, reality is better. The end is just a long ways away. Let her compete by trying to maintain the fantasy amidst the realization of living together—bills, messy houses, bowel movements and sickness are absent in fantasies.
He seems content to stay with her. It really feels like the end, especially since he has an OW.This is normal, but also understand that things are not always as they seem. If the affair is new or only recently public, according to the MLC process, he should be content to be with her. He's getting what he thinks he wants. MLCers have OWs; an affair is part of the MLC process. Consider that the presence of an OW helps your chances rather than hinders them. The more in-love he thinks he is—actually in-fatuation—the less real it is. Are you insulted that he is getting serious so quickly? Fools rush in, so let them. The process of destruction starts now but is not immediate—and you are not the destroyer. Infidelity destroys itself. Thanks Sodderly.Let me know what you think...sounds like she knows something about this MLC
Pretty good stuff, but the one thing you need to understand is this, often times the OW won't last long, but there will be another. They don't get out of the R with the OW and come running back, very seldom when that happens. Chances of a spouse comming back are slim, and it takes a LONG TIME.
I know this sounds stupid but I would prefer another woman in his life...this one he's with I cared for her kids 20yrs. ago
her child played with my child, she knew we were married,she wanted him back then...and she did have a relationship for over 2 yrs with him she called the house 1 time needing a ride home from work, my husband was already in bed I told her she could get her own ride and to never call our home at that time again and to never call him period the affair started 2 or 3 yrs later he saw her at a walmart and things went from there....so in my eyes I would prefer that he finds another just..... not her.....
funny thing this last time he met her again at a walmart....."WHEN I SAW HER ALL THE OLD FEELINGS CAME BACK is what he told me. Right now she's thinking she has won....but has she really...he cheated on me,why not her,after all we have a history together, kids,she has nothing but is on her best behaviour. I have come alomg way since this started with the Lord by my side and I will be ok...if I could get my husband to pay his monthly child support it would be even nicer and easier for me.he has become a dead beat dad something he said he would never do. I am aware that few ever come back,but this man he has become is not a very nice man to me why would I want that.he will have to totally have to chg.I would not want this self centered,selfish, arrogant,been there done that kinda of man I know he will never be they way he used to be, that man is dead and I mourned as if I had lost him to death and my marriage.dont get me wrong I still love and care for him, and I will never give up hope but right now what I see, I dont want to be treated like that from my husband.thank you for answereing me..be blessed and of to work
IRMA, If you believe in stats, he has a 97% chance of failure with this woman. 97% of all afair based relationships don't make it, but with that being said, often times they either find another or move on. Its just too much for most of them to admit they did wrong, so they would rather live in misery.
The Magic Words I’m sorry you feel that way Though you cannot fix your MLCer, you are not incapable of providing help—by accepting and validating his choices. I’m sorry you feel…
•life is hopeless •you do not love me •I was an awful wife •you deserve better •you are not worthy •this new person is your soul mate •you are never coming home •you hate me… By not validating, your MLCer feels you are not listening or taking him seriously; to dismiss his feelings is to also be dismissive of him—and that is insulting.
I’m sorry you feel that way. I realize you must do what you feel is best and I understand. I must also do what I feel is best.
I’m sorry you feel that way will become your mantra or new catch-phrase. You will eventually feel like a broken record. But it is important. Consider alternative phrases that sound the same. I wish you didn’t feel that way. This gives primary reference to your desires rather than his feelings; it is telling him what you want and in Midlife Crisis while operating on emotions, your desires do not matter to him. MLCers don’t want to feel you’re pushing your desires or agenda.
I’m never coming home. I know, but if you change your mind; I’m here. Validate that you are aware he is not coming back; he doesn’t need the added guilt and pressure of thinking you’re waiting. Telling him you are there is not meant as an implication of you being a lifeless being staring at the phone, waiting for it to ring, but rather that you are an available friend in need. He may not care; or rather he may not think he cares. Right now you might be the last person he wants to call when he needs help, but tomorrow is another day.
Braveheart I wrote him this a few days ago after almost 2 months of no contact other than wishing him a happy father day text
Jerry, I'm sorry you feel that you dont love me anymore. I'm sorry you feel you have found your soulmate with someone else, and I'm sorry you feel you are never coming home, but if you change your mind just know that I am here. I realize you must do what you feel is best and I understand, I must also do what I feel is best for me and Becca. And most of all I am sorry that you feel this way. I hope you are doing ok.. Your Wife Irma
he emailed me the next day... I dont expect another email but maybe this validating thing is for real
IRMA, I understand what you are saying and I don't totally disagree with you, but you have to be carefull about what you say. I don't think you can let them think that you will ALWAYS be there waiting for them to come back, if you do, they might string you along forever.
Did it look this way to you? Wow,I didnt see it that way, I saw it as being there for him for anything......he will have to change very much this man that is now my husband I dont like very much....very arrogant....IF the day ever comes... I dont want what he HAS become.....I wanted him to know if he needed to talk or prayer or whatever I was there for him....not a doormat......time will tell at the end of his journey and I will see who he really has become....for now all I did was validate his feelings never had done that before....thanks for looking into my thread...I need all the help I can get...doing pretty good most days but then there are days when I am having a giant pity party. What do you think of his girlfriend.Was it all a lie ...was he in denial that he no longer loved her... were his true feelings for her just being dormant till they reappeared...I really thought we were stronger than before when we WORKED on our marriage the second time..I feel so used sometimes...
IRMA, I don't think it will last..... With that being said, I wouldn't count on him running back to you..... If he did, would you want to be 2nd choice? I look at things a little differently, I can understand standing for a while, but after a while, you have to ask yourself if you are wasting your life.... Only you can make that decision, but its been my experience that these people for the most part will not change.....
