Parents do change and sometimes they feel that the only other people that will understand the situation are there kids. My Mom always used to talk to me about stuff. Not always deeply personal but important to her. When my Dad went through MLC he started to have long talks with me too.
I felt as if I was their sounding board. I just offered them support, ran off on my own holiday to denmark for 5 weeks and nearly forgot the stress that was brewing back home. It all worked itself out about a month or so later. Again, I think she just wanted support by me listening to them. So no need to choose sides, let them know you love them both. Things may be changing hormonally for your Mom. Hang in there.
As for your friend, perhaps she is becoming toxic to your positive frame of mind? If it gets to be too much, don't seek her out and see if you can feel the difference. have an awesome night tonight. Let us know how it goes.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Kat, it's so wonderful to have you posting to me. Thank you!
My Mum went through 'the change' a while ago but I guess they are having to find themselves new lives. There is a 13 years between me and my eldest sister so they have had children for a long time. My Dad has no one else to talk to I think as he doesn't make friends (I sound negative about him, I'm not you couldn't wish for a better Dad) as he is a quirky soul.
I guess that for both conversations with my Mum and Dad I wasn't prepared. Perhaps if I think this through and prepare I will be a better sounding board next time.
I'm nervous about tonight! I'm going to spy from afar and if he looks like a weido - run!
I'm nervous about tonight! I'm going to spy from afar and if he looks like a weido - run!
No running off allowed, unless he's holding an ax in one hand and a knife sharpener in the other!
I don't want to raise any red flags here, but just an observation about your mom. Is the personality shift toward agression an extreme for her? Does she have any other things going on that might cause some degree of worry? i.e. - forgetfullness, insomnia, weight gain or loss? Agression is a key manifestation of the onset of dimentia and alzheimer's. Not that I'm saying in any way that she has either of those, of course.
If you dad needs to 'spill', then listening to him without interjecting comment is a kindness. If it gets to be too much, maybe you could beg off the convo with an urgent bathroom break. Usually that will stop the conversation long enough to keep it from restarting but he will have downloaded a little.
Your friend is trying to relate to your sitch through her own experience. She doesn't understand the concepts of DB so in her mind it becomes a very flippant thing to just throw out "been there, done that." She's masking...classically....she's definitely jealous and not just of the date. I'd say she's jealous of the way you are handling yourself through your sitch. Maybe, as kat said, try to distance slightly from her and see if that leads her to realize that what she has been saying is painful.
I'm excited to hear all about the date!!!! Have a wonderful time!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Yes, she has got other things as well, she hurt her ankle a few years ago and it has been a horrible experience for her as she has had to be in a brace for 3 years and she has just been diagnosed with a rheumatic condition. It has led to weight gain and she feels very unhappy with herself. Dad doesn't get that.
With regards to my BF we only see each other once a month. I think it would be a 180 for me to actually speak up and say that what she said really hurt me. I will try to do that next time. We are going to see Take That (an awesome pop band!) on Sunday night so I may get the chance then if she says something.
The date was nice last night. He took me for a nice meal and we chatted for ages. In fact I suddenly looked at my watch and it was 22.45! I was going to miss my train. He was a lovely guy but I didn't feel the earth move or anything. He might be a good new friend. I feel like I could do with some male friends.
I love Take That!! I think they only had one hit in the US but when I went to Denmark I bought their CD. Then 2 years ago I seem to recall they were together again and making a come back.
As for your date, really how often does the earth move the first time you meet someone? So much better to get to know them and before you know it, you light up just seeing them. Give it time. If it isn't this guy, it may be the next one.
Have a lovely day Julia.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Your date sounds exciting! Such a shame there wasn't a spark if you guys managed to talk for so long, but it's so exciting that you did it, took a risk and met him, and even better if he becomes a good friend. I love having male friends- so much easier for me to speak to than girls (and so useful for understanding the male mind!)
I'm not sure what to advise on your parents. My instinct would say to listen to them both and be a trusted person they can vent to without judgement if you can. I'd be wary of getting involved- they've been M a long time and their R probably has idiosyncracies to it that are subtle and perhaps not always obvious to their children, although I know you're very perceptive.
Do they know that you're DBing? If they're aware of what you're doing, and the principles behind it of one partner being able to change an R then they know they can ask you about it and that the information is there. You can't control what happens in their R, however scary the thought of them not getting on might be..... I guess what I'm saying is that you should be there to offer a point in the right direction (maybe a copy of DR) if needed, but don't make yourself responsible for trying to fix things for them....
Feel free to discard any of the above if you want to!
L. xx
PS. I agree about doing a 180 on your friend. Have fun at Take That and give Gary a kiss from me if you get close enough
"Your time is coming, don't be late" Great lyrics- Gary is a genius- deserves all the kisses he gets!
(Man, that's started a whole Take That Youtube fest for me! I also love the Garden- I hope they do that at the concert too. Gary's voice is just amazing)
So your date went well, good to hear! Guess, may be no spark was for the best, since you are wanting your peaceful life back. And I wouldn't call juggling 3 dates a peaceful life!
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
WOW! I cant believe you got a message like that from H.. well, I dont know what the outcome is going to be, but for now, you have worked really hard and been the bigger person and this is the result.. after what he did, I think its lovely that at least things didnt degenerate into some bitter and hateful situation (uh, like Pedro Andrex and Katie Price, aka Jordan !!!!! hahaa) but you have gotton as far as him feeling comfortable to text and also send you a birthday message like that.
Well done on the dating, you are very brave!! I guess the chemistry wasnt quite there, but then, its a rare thing that isnt it, so keep looking hey.
On the parents thing.. what you described sounds just like mine.. my Mums personality changed alot through the menopause and she became very aggressive and also their sexlife changed which was hard for my Dad to understand (uhh, thanks for making me aware of that one Mum !!!!) .. my Dad also spent time a few years ago often telling me how unhappy he was and he might leave my Mum and it was very upsetting for me, so I understand. I would say... take a step back, they are your parents and you worry they might split up, but then, its their M and you cant really get in the middle of it as their daughter. I listened if they wanted to talk to me, but I made a decision to not get involved OTHER THAN.. ask them.. have you talked to her/him about this? If not, why not? SO if it will be an argument, could you write a letter?... etc.. so sort of put it back to them.
Dont know if that helps, but my BFF parents went through the same stage too, both our parents are still together, so maybe its just 'normal' for that generation ! Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Yeah, there's a lot of hormonal and life changes going on at that age...on BOTH sides. When you have that kind of history though and kids, you have more incentives to work through it. Time will tell. My in laws did a similar thing last year, still together and things are better.
Lovely about the date. Sometimes the best ones develop the attraction instead of starting with sparks. But guy friends are always fun too!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
