Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2!

[BigJohn]

What if the feeling between her and OM is mutual and they both get tired of each other? What then? Just wondering if I will need to be alert to any specific indicators that may signal a need to change up what I am doing.

Well, that does happen! They may go as far as to get M. That is a reality that you have to face. "If" you stick with dropping the rope, then you won't change anything b/c you will be on your way to a new life. "If" you truly drop the rope, I don't think you will be observing her close enough to even know if the status in her R with OM is intensified or if it's failing unless she tells you that they are getting M or have broken up. That is the point of dropping the rope is that you are not involved with her personal life. You don't think about it b/c you have moved on and have you own life.

It will soon be apparent if you truly have dropped the rope or not. It is all about "attitude" and your thought process. Your focus on her drops and your attention is on other things. That's why it has to come from within you and not be an "act" or a "tool" to get her back.

I sure hope you can do it. Almost all the LBS think that they can't at first, but in time they discover that is the only route to survival and keeping their sanity.

Talk to you later,
Sandi

Sandi,

I posted earlier about a backslide that happened yesterday. Hope you get a chance to read it. I got to thinking more about how one of the things you said that got your attention was when your H told you that you would not have ANY relationship with him if your EA continued. It doesn't sound like your H himself was totally detached from your sitch yet he managed to knock a little sense in you by telling you this.

I realize that 2 1/2 weeks of detaching (or almost detaching)is not enough time to see if it is working or not in my sitch. I have to tell you though, I'm feeling really skeptical right now that it will prove effective with my W as she is 110% committed to this EA with the OM.

Initially I was pursuing, which she may not have totally liked but maybe didn't dislike because it feeds her ego and provides her with a sense of security. Looking back, I really don't think the pursuing was really that unpleasant enough for her other than it slowed down her efforts to detach from me and transfer all of her emotions to the OM (which I believe has now been accomplished.)

Then I gave her "space" to "figure everything out", time that she in turn spent R building with OM both with him and in her head while at the same time mentally demonizing me.

Now I'm trying detachment, which I agree is more for my benefit than hers but at the same time it still feels like ENABLING.

The friend I referred to in my earlier post confided in me that had his W not gone completely ballistic and made his OW life hell and his life tremendously uncomfortable, he would have NEVER given up on his A and come to his senses enough to realize what he was doing to his family. My therapist also made a comment to me that sometimes it takes a crisis within the sitch to wake up the WAW to the reality of what they are doing to their family and move towards ending the A.

One of my other hang ups with the concept of detaching is that my W and I have three kids. I'm torn because its one thing to detach to help protect myself personally, but I'm also representing our children's best interest in terms of the way I handle my W and it doesn't feel entirely right that the end result is my W feeling enabled, emboldened and comfortable continuing the EA. Puppy touched upon the issue of my W losing respect for me and my W cake eating in a prior post and I'm beginning to cede his point.

I'm willing to be very patient in applying passive techniques like detaching if there is a reasonable expectation of success at some point WITHOUT perpetual limbo. The problem is I just don't think my W is mentally and emotionally strong enough to pull out of this sitch on her own without serious negative stimulation. I really suspect that she needs to have the consequences of her apparent desire to choose an "ideal life" with the OM over me (and the kids) spelled out for her in a very sharp contrast.

(As a side note, I do believe that my W is very co-dependent on the OM in terms of her decision making. Specifically I think that a big factor rests in whether the OM commits to M- a very big deal for him since he would have to relocate to our state because of our kids. Only then would W move to D before quickly M the OM.)

Any thoughts out there would be greatly appreciated.