I spent about 20 minutes on the phone with a counselor/support guy from a national radio ministry program this afternoon. It is the radio program (new life) that promoted the "boundaries" books a few months ago, I heard it at work.
I have listened to them a handful of times since then, people call in with issues (family/work/marriage) and the broadcasters advise them on how to best handle the situations from a Christian perspective, with the idea of being loving but also having limits/consequences.
Anyway I called the number to get a referral for a counselor in my area who supported their ministry approach. The guy asked me a few questions and directed me to the guy I talked to for 20 minutes. He specializes in the marriage/porn/affair category, apparently. He re-affirmed a lot of things I already knew about what I was doing right/wrong, and what Dan was doing.
He said that from his experience working with men like Dan, he probably had given up the porn/affair thing many times, thinking he could handle it on his own. But he couldn't and since he couldn't eliminate the problem on his own he doesn't think it will ever go away, hence the whole "I can't promise you it won't happen again" line I got last month.
Anyway he said that as long as Dan was getting everything he wanted, almost (meaning, he can come and go from our/my house as he pleases, enjoy family time with me and the kids, etc without living here and committing), there was no real incentive to change. He also said that when he did go to counseling with me, or some of the other things like apologizing, crying, etc etc he was most likely just trying to cover his bases without a real intent to change his ways.
All things I have heard from you guys, from my parents, my pastor...
Basically he said he could not tell me what to do, but he supported the idea that Dan needed to feel the consequences of his decisions. Things I know but I need to put into action.
