It's MY life now!!!........

[Silent Chrleader]

I want thank everybody here on these boards who have supported me for the past year and a half. You are all remarkable people, and have had an impact on my life much more than you will ever know!

As you know, the past couple months I have seemed to make some great strides in my own self growth, but have also struggled with several "backslides" in that time. Well, I have come to see that those weren't "backslides" for me at all. Maybe they were from a DB standpoint, but not for me and what I want for my life.

I don't know how to explain it, but I'll try. I now see that the rollercoaster of emotions I have had recently resulting in those times that I "backslid" and told my H that I was letting him go, followed by those major depressed days when I just wanted to cry all day, were actually sort of the final death throes of my marriage, or rather my side of it. My H left the marriage emotionally long ago, but I obviously had not.

Last week in one of my posts, I mentioned that I had talked to a psychic (no it wasn't one of those phone psychics....). She told me several things, one of which was that within a year, I would find a new "soulful" love. She said he would have the initial J in his name, brown hair, musical talent (acoustic guitar), has a dog, likes the outdoors, family man who my kids will love and that he would have a wonderful smile and great sense of fun and want to do things with the family. Now, this description is practically the antithesis of my H (and I had not told her about my H).

Anyway, as I have said, it's not that I "believe in" this stuff I certainly will not base life decisions on it, but what I am saying is that what she said got me thinking. And I asked myself that if I knew 100% that a person like she describes was around the corner for me.....if I could guarantee that.....then would I continue to want my H?.....and the answer was a resounding NO!! So, then that made ask myself what the heck I was "standing" for?? Do I really love my H, or is it really just that he's all I've known since I was 17 years old and I am scared to death of letting go?

My H has said he was "faking it" throughout much of our marriage. I'm now thinking that perhaps underneath I really knew that, so that is why I eventually became so depressed that I didn't want to get out of bed.....ever! H just thought I was lazy and I agreed with him and thought I was worthless, because I didn't know what was wrong with me. I had a great H who was a good provider and did chores around the house, etc. So what if he was judgemental and critical of everything I did? He was so far above me and I was so lucky to have him......or so I thought...... he still thinks that.

The young man I loved was largely a figment of my imagination.....and his for that matter. He didn't lie all those years deliberately. He was sincerely trying to do the right thing. I believe that.

So, now we are actually working very well together. We are working through the bankruptcy and legal seperation/divorce together and we will both come out financially just fine. We have both expressed our full commitment to making this whole process as comfortable and easy as we can for the other.

He and his girlfriend and some of her kids (adult kids) are up at the dream property for the long weekend doing some much needed work up there.......and I don't begrudge it at all.....well, ok it still hurts a little, but not much.

And thus my journey begins........