Getting Un"Stuck" - Giving My Burden to God

[PMA_Baby!]

Hang in there. It's not over until you want it to be over. Let her do all the work. Let her talk to her attorney. You can drag it out for years if you want.

She is "stuck" not you.

She will find the grass is not as green as she thinks it is...

PMA

[25yearsmlc]

Stuck,

I know that really hurt to hear and I'm sorry about it. But given her confusion, why does this change that much? I mean, so what? She says she doesn't love you anymore...blah blah blah...IF MY H asked me last night how much I loved him AND if I were truthful, I'd have said "not at all" b/c sometimes I DON'T!

But I don't blurt it out. I let it pass b/c there are days when I don't feel so loving or he isn't so lovable or maybe it IS me...but I stand in the "doorway" and wait for that storm to pass. It usually does. That's why I HATE it when people here ask their spouses how they feel.

Stop doing that. Let them tell you b/c if it's lasting long enough and is real, then they'll share it. If it's a passing thing or they don't feel good or you just had a fight, don't ask!

Why would you? So I'm all for NO R TALK at all from you. Period. If you meet OW or want to move somewhere then I guess you'd NEED to know right then and there but otherwise, let it go in one ear and out the other until if and when she files. THEN see a L (Or see one now if you would feel more comfortable or if you think she's hiding money or doing something weird)

But otherwise, keep on keeping on. And don't bring up the R or her feelings or her intentions or what she is thinking or doing, etc....please learn to back off for real.
I am not so clear on the back rub/hug thing either. Glad it worked I guess, but make sure it does not come off as pressure or pursuit - which I have a feeling it DOES...

I think you have a lot of trouble truly going dark or backing off and it has not helped you. The only relationships you MAY need to discuss with her, are hers with the kids, and how she treats you. But otherwise do as your thread title says and Hand it over to Him, and let Him keep it. Don't take it back...hang in there.
j-

[MrBond]

Thanks PMA and 25.

The thing about the hug is that I think it just diffused the sitch. I think if she saw it as pursuing, or bugging her, she would have gotten pissed rather than relaxed. Whatever, I'm not going to analyze that one.

This morning as I was leaving the house, I saw her by the front door and told her 'goodbye'. She didn't acknowledge which I thought was a little rude. Then when I came in to work, I saw I had a voicemail from her and she apologized for not saying goodbye and wished me a good day at work.

CRRRRAAAZZYYYY especially after yesterday's blowout about the L. I think maybe she blurted that out in anger because she felt attacked.

So I emailed her later and said that maybe this weekend we could stay up and watch a movie after the kids were asleep and she replied 'ok'.

We'll see how that goes. Other than that, I think I'm going to go over to the gym for a bit, watch my favorite recorded shows, play a few video games and curl up with one of my favorite graphic novels. It's my usual week winding ritual.

We're planning to watch fireworks together on the fourth and maybe catch the new Ice Age flick with the kids.

[sandi2]

Hi Stuck,

You went to my thread to ask me about my reaction to my H when I was trying to recover from my EA and wondered if I lashed out at him if I felt attacked. Actually, my H did not do or say anything that I remember.....as I was going through my "recovering" stage. You have to remember that he did not talk and he had "detached" himself (at least I thought he was) and it worked for me. It gave me the sense of feeling like I could breathe without him hovering over me all the time.

Look Stuck.....you are one of my "favorites" here on the board. I think you give excellent advise to other people. If only you could step outside your own stitch and see it as a by-stander can, then you would see it differently. But you are so emotionally "driven" that you can't be objective. I know you "think" you are detaching, but you aren't, sweetie. IMHO, you are simply trying too hard to make this work! Does that make sense? You notice every little move she makes. You hang onto each word she says and you analyze everything and worry over it. When a person truly drops the rope.......he will not worry about what is said and done. He doesn't speak first in hopes that she will speak back to him (like when you told her good-bye and she didn't answer you back.....it upset you). You may not realize this Stuck, but in a way....you were subconsciously "pursuing". Do you know why? B/c you were trying to pressure her to respond to your departure. When she did not respond.....your emotions took over and it controlled you all the way to your job. How can you consentrate on your work when this is weighing on your mind? It's not good.

Let me try to give a huge example of what "dropping the rope" would be like here:

The thing that set it off this morning was that she told me that she didn't love me anymore and didn't want to work on the M.

Okay....that is hard to listen to, right? It hurts like a knife. However, if you were really...really dropping the rope on her.....you would have quietly walked away from her and not said anything or reacted in any way. You could have shook your head as if in "pity" of her and went to work and let it slide off your back. Now that is truly "dropping the rope" in thought process! You see, it must come from deep within yourself. You can pretend until the cows come home....but if it is not from down deep in your soul....it will not work for you. I know you are "trying" as hard as you know how and that is what breaks my heart. It is easy for me to sit here and say, "Stuck, you just haven't detached enough", and it is quite another for you to be able to reach that mental place of actually "doing it".

I think you should stop any acts of showing physical affection, okay? I don't think you need to be hugging her. In fact, I think you should keep your hands to yourself.

I think you should do a great big 180 in your techniques. You have been trying to show how great it is to be around a wonderful man such as yourself. And....I think that is the way a LBH should do at first, but if that doesn't change her attitude and she gets worse.....then time to change what doesn't work. So....I think if you drop the rope on her--then you should stop with the TV, movies, and trying to think of ways to entertain her and have a "great time" while she's with you at home (or anywhere else). I think you need to stop with the dinners and all that stuff you're doing to try to draw her to you, Stuck. I believe it's time to stop all of the things you've worked so hard to accomplish b/c it ISN'T working. Am I telling you to give up? Absolutely not!! I'm telling you to drop that tight, twisted rope you have tied to your wife and have hung on for dear life! Leave her alone. I'm telling you to stop giving your time and attention to her and start going out and doing things on your own. Get a life apart from her. Find something to do every day/night. Can you do that? Just for an hour.....or even less, but go somewhere and don't tell her anything about where you are going or doing. That is part of the "dropping the rope".....you owe her no explanations. The woman wants a divorce! She has said she doesn't love you. So, start living as if that is true. Now...don't get crazy on me here. I'm not saying to be mean or nasty or have a bad attitude. Remember what a great guy you are and than ANY woman would be crazy to leave you! I'm trying to paint a picture (as poor as it may be) of another kind of "attitude" that you need to have. A "foot-lose" attitude. Act as if you have a life and don't need her. No...I change that to....simply "have" a life (don't just act like you do) b/c you don't need her. How many times have you read that if you can actually reach the place that she thinks you don't want her......she'll change and be attracted to you.....IF SHE IS EVER GOING TO. But you haven't done that! You are still pursuing. You must stop, Stuck, and it must be now.

You tried one way and it has not worked. I believe dropping the rope is your only alternative. Can you do it, Stuck? If you could take a weekend off and have some time away from her, it might help to regroup so you could focus on "your" life and how you would live if she wasn't a part of it. That is how a person lives that drops the rope. Live as if she is "not" a part of your life any longer. Stop acting like she is important to you. Rude? No! Don't be rude.......just act as if you don't care. There is a difference and she will detect it. If it comes from deep within you, then you will feel peace and be able to show your......."indifference". I don't know another word at the moment to describe the attitude.

Anyway, I will leave this with you and pray that you can reach that place. You are a strong man, Stuck. She needs to see that self-assured man who doesn't need her anymore.

Take care,
Sandi

[aliveandkicking]

No! Don't be rude.......just act as if you don't care.

Sandi, sorry for butting in. At least in my case, H's reaction to my indifference has been to accuse me of being "weird" "different" and ultimately he pushed until I folded.

What do you think is the best way to respond when S comments on the different attitude and perhaps tries to provoke you out of it? Not saying it will happen to Stuck, but it did to me and I had some good straightforward responses until H proclaimed "ok, if that's how you want it, I can be an a**hole too."

And I folded.

[MrBond]

Sigh.

You're right Sandi. Actually things were so much easier when she wasn't home. It's hard with the kids there. When they're home I want to spend as much time as I can with them. They really are my life right now.

I'll see what I can do about getting some alone time without seeming to dump the kids on her lap.

I realize I'm causing my own anxiety and that needs to stop now. I'll leave it in God's hands and see what happens.

[MrBond]

I guess I was wrapped up in staying in the "Friend Zone" that I ended up pushing too much again and getting too involved. Gotta remember to stop that. Practice makes perfect.

[25yearsmlc]

I'm going with Sandi on this one BIG TIME.....everything she said...DITTO.
Stop staring at your wife. Stop having expectations and hopes...which you obviously do.... It would drive me crazy and AWAY....it is NOT detaching and it is manipulating. What about the whole "turning it over to God" thing??
j-

[sandi2]

Hi A&K,

In response to your question:

What do you think is the best way to respond when S comments on the different attitude and perhaps tries to provoke you out of it?

I think that with your H it is wanting the "control" in the stitch. You gave a good example in one of your posts:

Why does H text me constantly (today was my day to get away without kiddos), so provocative...why does he want my attention even though he is insistent that we are through? THis stuff is not cute, sexual innuendo, telling me I need to call him asap (scaring the sh*t out of me) for a non-emergency. I'm tired.

He is driving you crazy and will be determined to get some kind of a reponse from you. To ignore him......pull away from him....be indifferent, would probably be something that would be very hard for him b/c he would feel that he's losing control over you and the stitch. All of these things he's doing with constanst stupid "excuses" to get your attention and these immature actions on his part......IMHO is a man who wants to dangle you like a puppet. He is the master and you are the puppet moving to the strings he controls. That is why you are worn out. Bless your heart!

Hope you can get some rest but it's a holiday weekend.

Take care,
Sandi

[MrBond]

aak,

I think Sandi is exactly right. Your H is trying to get a reaction out of you to see if you're still "his".

I think you can detach easier than I can since he's not home. You're going to have to start somehow.