You went to my thread to ask me about my reaction to my H when I was trying to recover from my EA and wondered if I lashed out at him if I felt attacked. Actually, my H did not do or say anything that I remember.....as I was going through my "recovering" stage. You have to remember that he did not talk and he had "detached" himself (at least I thought he was) and it worked for me. It gave me the sense of feeling like I could breathe without him hovering over me all the time.
Look Stuck.....you are one of my "favorites" here on the board. I think you give excellent advise to other people. If only you could step outside your own stitch and see it as a by-stander can, then you would see it differently. But you are so emotionally "driven" that you can't be objective. I know you "think" you are detaching, but you aren't, sweetie. IMHO, you are simply trying too hard to make this work! Does that make sense? You notice every little move she makes. You hang onto each word she says and you analyze everything and worry over it. When a person truly drops the rope.......he will not worry about what is said and done. He doesn't speak first in hopes that she will speak back to him (like when you told her good-bye and she didn't answer you back.....it upset you). You may not realize this Stuck, but in a way....you were subconsciously "pursuing". Do you know why? B/c you were trying to pressure her to respond to your departure. When she did not respond.....your emotions took over and it controlled you all the way to your job. How can you consentrate on your work when this is weighing on your mind? It's not good.
Let me try to give a huge example of what "dropping the rope" would be like here:
Quote:
The thing that set it off this morning was that she told me that she didn't love me anymore and didn't want to work on the M.
Okay....that is hard to listen to, right? It hurts like a knife. However, if you were really...really dropping the rope on her.....you would have quietly walked away from her and not said anything or reacted in any way. You could have shook your head as if in "pity" of her and went to work and let it slide off your back. Now that is truly "dropping the rope" in thought process! You see, it must come from deep within yourself. You can pretend until the cows come home....but if it is not from down deep in your soul....it will not work for you. I know you are "trying" as hard as you know how and that is what breaks my heart. It is easy for me to sit here and say, "Stuck, you just haven't detached enough", and it is quite another for you to be able to reach that mental place of actually "doing it".
I think you should stop any acts of showing physical affection, okay? I don't think you need to be hugging her. In fact, I think you should keep your hands to yourself.
I think you should do a great big 180 in your techniques. You have been trying to show how great it is to be around a wonderful man such as yourself. And....I think that is the way a LBH should do at first, but if that doesn't change her attitude and she gets worse.....then time to change what doesn't work. So....I think if you drop the rope on her--then you should stop with the TV, movies, and trying to think of ways to entertain her and have a "great time" while she's with you at home (or anywhere else). I think you need to stop with the dinners and all that stuff you're doing to try to draw her to you, Stuck. I believe it's time to stop all of the things you've worked so hard to accomplish b/c it ISN'T working. Am I telling you to give up? Absolutely not!! I'm telling you to drop that tight, twisted rope you have tied to your wife and have hung on for dear life! Leave her alone. I'm telling you to stop giving your time and attention to her and start going out and doing things on your own. Get a life apart from her. Find something to do every day/night. Can you do that? Just for an hour.....or even less, but go somewhere and don't tell her anything about where you are going or doing. That is part of the "dropping the rope".....you owe her no explanations. The woman wants a divorce! She has said she doesn't love you. So, start living as if that is true. Now...don't get crazy on me here. I'm not saying to be mean or nasty or have a bad attitude. Remember what a great guy you are and than ANY woman would be crazy to leave you! I'm trying to paint a picture (as poor as it may be) of another kind of "attitude" that you need to have. A "foot-lose" attitude. Act as if you have a life and don't need her. No...I change that to....simply "have" a life (don't just act like you do) b/c you don't need her. How many times have you read that if you can actually reach the place that she thinks you don't want her......she'll change and be attracted to you.....IF SHE IS EVER GOING TO. But you haven't done that! You are still pursuing. You must stop, Stuck, and it must be now.
You tried one way and it has not worked. I believe dropping the rope is your only alternative. Can you do it, Stuck? If you could take a weekend off and have some time away from her, it might help to regroup so you could focus on "your" life and how you would live if she wasn't a part of it. That is how a person lives that drops the rope. Live as if she is "not" a part of your life any longer. Stop acting like she is important to you. Rude? No! Don't be rude.......just act as if you don't care. There is a difference and she will detect it. If it comes from deep within you, then you will feel peace and be able to show your......."indifference". I don't know another word at the moment to describe the attitude.
Anyway, I will leave this with you and pray that you can reach that place. You are a strong man, Stuck. She needs to see that self-assured man who doesn't need her anymore.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
