"Deception"

[sandi2]

Hi MoG, I am glad you came to our community here on the DB board. You will find a lot of good folks and the support that you need. People here "know" what you are going through like nobody else understands, and they know what you need to hear. I was almost a WAW after many years of M, but I "didn't" leave and I have remained in the M with my H and we are doing good. So, I hope that may offer some encouragement to you.

I do want to talk to you about your W and her coming from a preacher's family. You were the totally opposite person that her father could have chosen for her to get hooked up with. Right? That was the very reason she was attracted to you in the first place! Think about it. She would not have given you the time of day if you had been a "goodie-two-shoes" Christian back then. She sneaked around to be with you. The two of you lived together out of wedlock and she got pregnant. How better to embarrass her father? This could have been at an unconscious level, but I think it was there--for no telling how long back.

You see, preacher's children have issues to face that the other kids never deal with. All their life they have been told by their parents...and especially Church people...that they are to be an "example" for others. They get to the place that they hate that word...example! They don't want to be separated from the world...as they hear taught in Sunday School. They want to be like the other young people--and blend in.

When they are in elementary school, the other kids try to place them in a different category from the "regular" kids and they call them "PK" and stuff that makes them feel "different". They don't want to be different.....they want to "belong" with everyone else! So, the desire to be like the others start young. Many, many preacher's teenagers rebel big time b/c they hate the isolation and the "label" that the other kids have tried to put them in when they were going through elementary, so by the time they get to high school (or younger), they are mad and have decided to prove to everyone that they can get down in the gutter better than their peers. And so, they do! That is why you read and hear about so many preacher's kids (and other Church leaders' kids.....not just "preacher's kids") getting into all kinds of trouble and/or leaving the Church and their Christian home--and living like the devil. They decide early on that they want no part of what they were subjected to when growing up! Many of them say they were "forced" to go to every Church service, and so when they became 18 years of age .....they turned away from everything their parents stood for. Many Christian parents have been heartbroken at the behavior of their kids, but none are in the position that the "Pastor" is in b/c he is expected to lead his own home to be "godly" and people judge him when his kids turn out less than perfect. Now tell me I'm wrong and we may go to fist-city! (Just kidding)

Listen, I have been close to this situation and I've seen it over and over with preacher's families and other leaders in the Church. Some of their grown children never live a Christian life after they are on their own as adults. They are "drawn" to that party lifestyle partly b/c they know it is "sinful" and therefore, it attracts their sin nature.......so that is where they decide to spend their life. Many of these grown children of preachers will have a very rough & tumble life b/c of their waywardness and rebellion toward God, their parents, the Church,......and basically anyone in authority over them. That last part shows up more as they get more rebellious. They do not like anything that places them in a situation where they feel controlled and made to do anything they don't want to do.

I truely gave my life to Jesus and became a different person than she married.

And this is where the trouble started! She did not "want" you to be a church-going person. That was the last thing on earth she intended to end up with was a H who was a dedicated church-goer. I mean, she worked to get away from that environment she grew up in...and now look what you went and did! So, she rebelled against you and your involvement in the church.

I would go to church events, and she would stay home alone. I wasn't didn't give her any attention.

Probably, as a new Christian you were "carried away" with all your spiritual excitment and couldn't get enough of what the Church offered. When a person is truly "saved".....that is normal for them to be filled with the Spirit and crave all that the Church offers. Maybe you didn't realize you were not giving her the attention she needed. I'm sure you no longer had any desire to party and do as before. She did not want to accept that b/c it would be like going back home and living with her father (the preacher) again. "You" represent her father in her life right now, so she is fighting to get as far away from you as she did her parents. But, for the record.....did you know that you were not giving her attention?

So, then it led to her having an EA. Are you really surprised? You did not give her attention, so she found somebody that would. Why do men not realize this will happen?

I often questioned her always hanging out with him with friends, but she would deny things of course.

By hanging out with him and friends......do you mean she was with him outside of the workforce? If so.....what did you think about it? Apparently, you must have thought something or you would not have questioned her about "hanging out" with them. Red flags flying!

I want to make sure I have this right. In Feb. of 2008, she had the first EA. Then the next month in March, she had the baby. The same month (?) she has the second EA. Is that correct? Then the third month she drops the bomb! Amazing!

She mentions D whenever she doesn't get what she wants.

Hummmm, does she also throw little fits along with the threats?

She also is still driving the OM car that she had the EA with and talking to him.

Look, if she's driving the man's car....don't you think it has gone beyond an EA?

Since the bomb, I started treating her like a princess

I would call you a "fool" but the Bible tells us not to call anyone that!

but she has been taking advantage of me throughout the process.

OH!.....NO KIDDING???

I also confronted her about not spending time with our D. She hit me, cuss me and told me to leave the house

And......what did you do after she treated you in this manner?

during the church service, my W was convicted because the message was on being committed to marriage etc. W went to the front for alter call and cried etc.

I've seen this happen before and it does hurt when you discover it was an act or else it didn't "take". But after she did what she did with the "ring" then you should beware and do not trust her, do not believe what she says, and do not believe what she does. Not at this time--and not for a long time...will you be able to trust her. It is not what you "want".....it is what it is right now!

I'm continuing to be respectful to her regardless of how she treats me.

Satan get thee behind me, b/c I am wanting to scream "FOOL....FOOL....FOOL"

I did slip up telling my daughter not to act like her mother when she was hitting on me in front of her. I was mad that my W would cuss and hit me in front of my D without caring.

Let me tell you something young man and you better get this and get it straight.....DO YOU HEAR ME? No woman can stomach a man who acts like this! Do you think this is the role God intended for a "man" created in His own image would act? NO! God intends for you to step up and act like a MAN. You sit there in the presence of your child and allowed this woman to cuss you and hit you? Did she spit in your face as well? She might as well had. Did you think you were being a martyr or something? Did you think that was how Jesus would do? Well, you are wrong b/c He would not have sit there and allowed her to do that. He was a real man and the only time He took any treatment like that was when He went to the Cross......and that was a totally different "reason".

Anyway...you paved the road for her disrespect for you and the more you treat her like a "princess", the more she will despise you. Yes, despise! And, I don't think you even want me to get started on how watching her daddy take this mess has affected your daughter. You are the first man in her life that she will love. Look at the message you are telling her how a man acts. Do you want her to grow up and act like your wife is behaving? Well, she will if you don't step in and show this little girl how a "real" man should behave.

but I meant I tried to redo the undesirable behaviors that I presented before.

Well, this is not how you do it. You have much to learn about women. You are doing completely opposite from what she needs.....and what she desires.....even if she doesn't know herself at this point--what she really wants.

Mainly, because W knows I wants our marriage to work and is taking advantage of the situation.

No...she is taking advantage of you b/c you are showing her that you are weak and she can hit you and cuss you to your face and you'll still treat her like a princess. Do you know why she is probably attracted to "bad boys"? B/c they treat her like dog poop! Yep, that's it in a nutshell. You observe young women who were raised in good Christian homes and see how many of them go after the "bad boy" image. It seems the worse the bad boy treats the girl....the more she is attracted to him. I'm not telling you that you should abuse your W, I'm just trying to cause you to see what you are doing is turning her away as fast as she can run. That stuff you are doing is completely opposite from what she is truly attracted to. You may not understand the logic (and there is no "logic") but you don't have to understand.....just "deal" with it and accept it for what it is.

Mainly, because W knows I wants our marriage to work and is taking advantage of the situation.

How have you detached?

W was doing the samething she is doing with to her parents

Yes, I think I pointed that out before I read this statement. She is a "user". She mistreats people. If she doesn't get her way, she threatens or uses her anger (which you better watch her with the baby b/c she could become abusive) and any other methods she can find to make them do what "she" wants. Yes, she does think the world revolves around her......and she will probably continue to think this for a very long time.

Thank God you understand that it is a Spiritual War too.

Listen to me, sweetie.....I understand also. I understand spiritual warfare! But you are not rightly dividing the truth here, and I think for one thing...you just don't understand the "how-to". I know in your heart you think you have done what a "Christian" should do toward a wayward wife. I truly believe that. But you are not using spiritual discernment in your stitch.

I am so glad you got the book, "Love Must be Tough". It is very informative and probably "shocking" to a lot of Christians b/c they think that they are suppose to suck it up and take whatever is dished out to them by their spouse.....and that is not the way it should be. Listen to Dr. James Dobson in that book. He tells it like it "really" should be.

I am very glad that you found the Lord and are doing your best to serve Him and live a Christian lifestyle. However, I believe a lot of young born-again Believers are either taught improperly or they have people who tell them stuff that is not the real way to work through things.....I don't know how to explain to you what I want to say. I have seen so many young Christians who were not taught how to have discernment in their life and they strive so hard to do what they "think" they should do as a Christian. I can't go into everything in this first post, but I hope I can have an opportunity to talk to you again.

I was saved when I was just a kid and lived my whole life before the Lord--and did my best to please Him. The time I strayed and become involved in playing Internet games and met the OM on-line, and had an EA, was the only time that I got away from God....spiritually. I knew that I "had" to get right with Him again b/c I could not live any other way. Not this gal. I claimed His forgiveness (I John 1:9) and have done my best to move forward in His love and mercy. Just wanted you to know that personal history about me.

You have a hard road ahead of you, but if you will get tough and man-up.....you can become the person that God meant for you to be. That person is suppose to have a lot of self-respect and self-assurance and "spunk". You are not to lay down and be a doormat. Stop taking this awful....awful treatment from your W. She will treat you the way you allow her to treat you. We "teach" people how they can treat us.....did you know that? Our attitudes tell people what we expect from their behavior toward us....and that is how they respond. That is what your W has been doing. You need to change that expectation of her and stand up to her. I'm not telling you to be ugly....you can act like a man without being mean, abusive, or offensive in any way.

I must stop b/c I have made this post very long. I want to help you, if I can. This is important to me and I hope that you will return and keep coming back to this board. Through the help that came through this board, God taught me what I needed to hear and it saved my M. You may get what we call a 2x4, but if that is what it takes....then so be it. In the end.....you will be a much better person and much happier.

I'll check back with you. Please take care of yourself and make sure your baby is taken care of properly.

Sandi