What to do when Husband's Gone & Makes No Contact?

[The Wifey]

ok so ive lost all hope now

my H just emailed me a very very long goodbye letter..
he said that he just can't be with me and the decision to divorce is final..i dont have the faith anymore.

i responded to him by saying that i think we can work it out but if thats what he wants..then i have to respect his wishes. i dont know if that was the right thing to say but im just hopeless at this point. hes saying theres no way we're getting back together after everything we've been through.

why should i even continue with this now, theres no hope left..
please help me..someone please help...im going mad now..

beepee,

If I had a dollar for every goodbye letter or conversation my H and I have had over the year plus since the bomb I could go away and stay in a hotel for the weekend. This is what he is saying now because that is what he thinks. That is what he thinks right now.

Focus beepee. Work on getting stronger, its too early to let every little thing he says upset the apple cart. I know it hurts. Remember you have time.

[beepee]

wifey:
thanks for all your motivation.
im going to try really hard to keep hope alive, i know i have to. and i know i have to work really hard on myself and to get better. i know how bad my depression was and is and how he wasnt able to handle it.

i know you say this is how he feels now but when someone tells you repeatedly that there is no chance, it really hits you hard. i would even find it extremely hard if he said i want to be with you but not now. i know this will take time..so much time and i know i have to be patient. i love him too much to just give up that easily.

in regards to writing an email back to him saying I LOVE YOU, i wasnt sure if that was the right thing to do. the book said to go dark and i wasnt sure writing back would be a good idea. and it also tells you not to say ILY to your spouse.. but then again saying i love you back and nothing more is keeping it simple which DR suggests. so i am a bit confused over what i should do and what the best thing to do is..

i appreciate your advice very much wifey and no disrespect at all, please dont take this the wrong way, but i would love to hear other peoples opinions on this, should i email back telling him i love him even tho DR says not to say it? i would love any and all advice.

[beepee]

Hi Grace:
i love movies but i dont have a dvd player and the one on my laptop is broken so i just resort to having the tv on all the time just to have a bit of background noise and not even really watching it. ive been reading a lot about how to save your marriage aside from DB/DR but sometimes i find it really really hard to concentrate, after the first paragraph, my mind starts to roam and think about him and what happened and i play it in my mind over and over and over again.

also, i would find it very hard to go to watch fireworks or a performance alone, i honestly think that would make me feel even more depressed, watching couples and everyone else having so much fun and laughing.

ive been trying to think of hobbies and i cant think of a thing right now. i know there are things but my mind is so cluttered that i cant think of anything right now except writing here and venting or checking email. i will definitely think about it again later today tho, i just have to get in touch with myself and what makes me happy again..

and you are completely right about everything i say being repeated and how it always finds it way back somehow. so ill make sure to stay as positive as possible. i havent been posting negative status' on my facebook page and have been trying real hard to say something positive and upbeat. i appreciate so much all the help i get from everyone here, its a great place and im so glad i found out about it.

[mdoodles]

my opinion - try really hard not to say it.

he knows. believe me, he knows.

and, like the book says, if u say it, he will see it as pursuing, and it will also remind him that he isnt feeling the same way right now...

i know its so so so hard...i just really recommend that u dont write it.

[Grace_O]

I think I have said ILY once in over 2 years, but my H does not say it to me. In fact the circumstance in which it came out is (now) comical.

Going "dark" is done for your benefit, if you need the space. I don't think of any of this as a "game" where you try to out manipulate your S. I do think of it as a game in terms of it being a challenge and I need to have the stamina to compete (as it were). That being said, I can also "fold".

If you want to say ILY back,I would caution you to say it once and then evaluate how it goes. If you have any concerns don't say it again, at least for awhile (that's not 10 min by the way).

HUGS

[beepee]

thanks everyone,
i dont think ill email him back and tell him i love him.
im really really scared of what might happen so ill stick with what im doing and not say anything back unless he asks me a question or something, hoping he does but that probably wont be a long time to come.
i just ate something for the first time today. proud of myself for forcing myself to do that.

[Gardener]

beepee, I'm sorry you didn't begin your actual IC today. I can appreciate your disappointment. However it was a step in the process and in the right direction. And perhaps this person "getting a feel for your story" may well result in you being assigned an IC closely matched to your needs and sitch.

Regarding the 4th of July (and you've gotten some great advice, here, on that), how about looking at it from a different perspective? And I'm being serious here:

As it turns out, I have nothing to do and no one to do it with this weekend. True. So I ask you. Do you have any suggestions for me?
And no fair repeating the one's you've already been given

[Gardener]

i know you say this is how he feels now but when someone tells you repeatedly that there is no chance, it really hits you hard.

A good opportunity to try out the old 'believe only half of what you see and none of what you hear'

in regards to writing an email back to him saying I LOVE YOU, i wasnt sure if that was the right thing to do. the book said to go dark and i wasnt sure writing back would be a good idea. and it also tells you not to say ILY to your spouse

.

i may be repeating myself, here, but what I got out of DR's "don't say 'ILY' is that if you do, you might as well be saying to your spouse "I know you're not even thinking this right now, but may I say something that will remind you that at this moment you don't love me? And will also serve to make your mind recall all the reasons you don't love me right now?"

If ya gotta say it, say it to a mirror. That'll feel good.

[beepee]

Hi Gardener:

i suggest you go fishing!!
if not, i suggest you stay online with me and we can pass suggestions back and forth until the holiday is over!!

[beepee]

and by the way,
its VERY hard to look in the mirror and say I LOVE YOU.
not liking what i see but trying to change it nonetheless..