Why not?

[The Wifey]

I have to deal with him. His stuff is still in our house. His office is here. I am financially dependent on him. We have major debt and may need to file bankruptcy. We have the kids together...and as I'v expressed, H gets very provocative when I pull away.

Plus, I'm the one that wants our family together and I'm going to have to make this a real separation. And, do we spend family time??

Maybe I should file a legal sep and get my own place.

I can guarantee, he will reflect on this as me having pushed him away. Unbelievable. But, I get it, he can think whatever he wants.

At this point, I just want to be told what to do. Everyone IRL tells me to file and separate completely now.

But, then I get the DB guilt going and I feel like I'm not being true to what I want...I know we all go through this.

Ok A&K, if you want to be told what to do right now.... I say DO NOTHING right now. That is, don't file. Don't say anything directly. Don't comment. When he asks stupid questions just give him stony silence.

He isn't there but his stuff is, and his office. Box up everything that is "his" and put the boxes in his office and close the door. Don't say anything. Just do it.

If he asks what gives - My h said, "I hope I haven't been erased from your life like I have in this house" - reply that you are not going to make the house a shrine to him and you can't look at signs of him everywhere. You needed a fresh start.

Let him wig about other men. Stony silence. Anticipate the butt taps, get out of the swing zone. Don't respond to what he says in front of him. (Feel free when he leaves, but don't let him know.)

Family time? Hmmm. Does he call it family time or do you? If you want to and he asks, accept some times and be too busy at others. Keep repeating the words fresh start to him and to yourself.

This doesn't mean the end, hon. It really is a fresh start. The old M is gone. Will there be a new friendship, R or M? Don't know. You can't make it happen on your own, so fresh start it is.

Repeating - do nothing right now. There is no need to make a decision or take an action right now that you don't in your heart of hearts want to take RIGHT NOW.

Space, space, space. Give the sitch space. Focus on you. When was the last time you've had a manicure? A bubble bath?