He's just trying to get your attention. It's funny when they say people who go through a midlife crisis tend to revert back to a teenager mentality.
Ok but whereas many here are pining just to get an iota of attention from their WAS, I am getting it and don't know what to do with it. It is the same dynamic as in our M but amplified.
I need to pick a path. Either we are working on something or we're not. I already made clear that if he doesn't want to work on a new R (friend or M), then it is going to be strictly kids and finances. I want out of the dynamic. Now, of course, he is paying more attention to me and I have to follow through on what I said.
When you were single once upon a time, did you need help "managing the effects" of your behavior. The more you look at him to see how he responds to your behavior, the less detached you are. Instead, do what you want to do for yourself, to make you feel better about the person you want to be, and don't consider what he does (at least for now). He's in la-la land anyway, so you might not get any meaningful info from looking at him anyway. Detach from his drama. He's not your problem.
I have to deal with him. His stuff is still in our house. His office is here. I am financially dependent on him. We have major debt and may need to file bankruptcy. We have the kids together...and as I'v expressed, H gets very provocative when I pull away.
Plus, I'm the one that wants our family together and I'm going to have to make this a real separation. And, do we spend family time??
Maybe I should file a legal sep and get my own place.
I can guarantee, he will reflect on this as me having pushed him away. Unbelievable. But, I get it, he can think whatever he wants.
At this point, I just want to be told what to do. Everyone IRL tells me to file and separate completely now.
But, then I get the DB guilt going and I feel like I'm not being true to what I want...I know we all go through this.
Why do you suppose he gets upset when you pull away? If he cared nothing about you, why would he care? He may not even realize why it upsets him, but he's responding to his own fear of losing you. People don't get angry about stuff that doesn't matter to them.
You are coming from a position of weakness. You can't go because of financial things...you rely on him. You don't want to push him further away (more weakness). You're scared.
Yes, it's scary. And yes, I know this isn't what you want, to end up divorced. Perhaps, since you aren't ready, the best thing for you is to start the motions of separating in your own home. Either move him out of your bedroom or you move to your own. Is it possible? Do you have the space? Start to withdraw emotionally from him.
Say to yourself, "We are done!" and mean it. It's okay...that doesn't mean it's over forever...but if nothing changes from how it is now, is it inconceivable that you're done? Is a life without him that much worse that a life with him when he doesn't love you and is with someone else?
He needs to see that you aren't his for the asking. Try it. Give it a week. Let him get upset that you are pulling away without telling him that you aren't. Let him wonder why you are fine. Take some "me time" and enjoy yourself...even if it's going for a walk as soon as he gets home and making it take an hour while you sort out your feelings.
Look at it this way...even if you end up together, you aren't tied to his emotions. You are your own person...you aren't just Mr. and Mrs aliveandkicking. You CAN be happy regardless. Life will go on. Don't look so far ahead...just focus on the making each day as good as possible and working to improve YOUR life.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
He used to always accuse me of not having a sense of humor because I didn't appreciate his jokes (it was really just his timing)...
I did tell him. I told him basically that if we were together I might find it funny but under the circumstances I don't. I said it much more assertively but don't want to write verbatim.
Thank you. Actually, currently he is staying at a friend's mansion and partying with celebs etc. It has been six months of floating and traveling and living la vida loca.
So, his stuff is here but he isn't. However, he tends to make himself at home when comes by. Last time he came here, I ushered him out and he taunted me and did the butt tap and I clearly and calmly told him I have other things I need to do. I did not let him come by to see the kids on my day. I have been setting boundaries it just gets exhausting when he acts out.
I need to remember that I can handle it. Imagine, he tells me there are other women he is interested in/involved with but if he hears mention of a guy, he wigs. He is in a whole new world and doesn't want me around because it would be weird but then when I was dropping the kids off and was invited to stay by the owners of the house and politely declined (I had plans), he was upset that I refused and acted like I was irrational. He is all over the place and if I don't meet him where he is, it is my shortcoming...from his p.o.v.
When I set reasonable boundaries it is "what's wrong? are you upset? you're acting weird..."
So I just have to get very stoic very fast.
I am going to do the week and see what happens.
I should probably mention that I have been on and fallen off this wagon more than a few times now. That is why some posters have understandably disappeared.
Thank you for posting. I feel ready to step up my game.
He used to always accuse me of not having a sense of humor because I didn't appreciate his jokes (it was really just his timing)...
I did tell him. I told him basically that if we were together I might find it funny but under the circumstances I don't. I said it much more assertively but don't want to write verbatim.
I have to deal with him. His stuff is still in our house. His office is here. I am financially dependent on him. We have major debt and may need to file bankruptcy. We have the kids together...and as I'v expressed, H gets very provocative when I pull away.
Plus, I'm the one that wants our family together and I'm going to have to make this a real separation. And, do we spend family time??
Maybe I should file a legal sep and get my own place.
I can guarantee, he will reflect on this as me having pushed him away. Unbelievable. But, I get it, he can think whatever he wants.
At this point, I just want to be told what to do. Everyone IRL tells me to file and separate completely now.
But, then I get the DB guilt going and I feel like I'm not being true to what I want...I know we all go through this.
Ok A&K, if you want to be told what to do right now.... I say DO NOTHING right now. That is, don't file. Don't say anything directly. Don't comment. When he asks stupid questions just give him stony silence.
He isn't there but his stuff is, and his office. Box up everything that is "his" and put the boxes in his office and close the door. Don't say anything. Just do it.
If he asks what gives - My h said, "I hope I haven't been erased from your life like I have in this house" - reply that you are not going to make the house a shrine to him and you can't look at signs of him everywhere. You needed a fresh start.
Let him wig about other men. Stony silence. Anticipate the butt taps, get out of the swing zone. Don't respond to what he says in front of him. (Feel free when he leaves, but don't let him know.)
Family time? Hmmm. Does he call it family time or do you? If you want to and he asks, accept some times and be too busy at others. Keep repeating the words fresh start to him and to yourself.
This doesn't mean the end, hon. It really is a fresh start. The old M is gone. Will there be a new friendship, R or M? Don't know. You can't make it happen on your own, so fresh start it is.
Repeating - do nothing right now. There is no need to make a decision or take an action right now that you don't in your heart of hearts want to take RIGHT NOW.
Space, space, space. Give the sitch space. Focus on you. When was the last time you've had a manicure? A bubble bath?
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Sorry aliveandkicking for getting some details wrong.
So you are in a better position...he essentially abandoned the house.
You did right to usher him out. If he's coming to get his stuff, or coming to get the kids, he should be ringing the doorbell and waiting to be invited in. You can still sound friendly (and you should), but be aloof....more like friendly is your thing, rather than you are turning it on for him. Try to smile before you answer the door so it's already on your face. And let him draw his own conclusions and own these emotions of his. Is it your problem that he thinks something is wrong? Is it your fault that he gets upset when you have other things to do? If he's upset that you aren't doting on him or being standoffish, let him stew in it..don't do or say something to show him that you are still on the hook.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
