I think you are doing great. I actually expected to see you reconciled from the first page to the last, but I guess it wasn't meant to be that quick.
Realize that you are the person that you want to be and can be proud of your changes. You didn't see success with your wife because her eyes and heart weren't open to you...just OM. On some level she likes having you for her friend and co-parent...she likes to cake eat, but the other side of the equation is she won't commit to what you really want, which is a give and take relationship...something fulfilling for you. Maybe if she came back it would still be unfulfilling. I suspect she'd just take. What she needs is to look in the mirror, like you did, and decide she's going to do what it takes to improve herself and win you back.
Will she do it? Maybe. Will it happen before you are involved with someone else or get to the point you'd never return to the marriage with her? Probably not. I would lay money on the possibility that she doesn't actually express interest until 1) the thing with OM is completely dead and buried (and that won't happen until there is no more contact) or 2) that you are with someone else. I hate that your kids are in the middle of this, and that you have to turn down invites, but it's probably for the best. She needs to open her eyes to what she's losing, and I'm not sure they ever do until it's gone.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
