d-day coming soon - help !

[Grace_O]

misshim,

I just caught up with all that's been going on. Sweetie, I know you hurt, I know you're angry. I get that after Monday it may be over for you. I just want to remind you that you get to decide that, not a judge and not a piece of paper.

I know that moving on is tough. I'd like to tell you that I've managed it beautifully. I'd like to say that, but it isn't always true. My H and I are not D, he moved out 15 mo. ago (the bomb was dropped 15 mo. before that). He still comes to the house to visit D's and we are starting C for the purpose of raising D's and communication in general. Bottom line, I just haven't decided it's over for me. Is it for him? probably, but that doesn't matter to me. What does matter is how we raise our D's and the woman I've become through all this.

As I'm sure you can guess, my name is not Grace. What we think is what we feel and what we become. Me? I strive for grace, some days I even get there. You haven't yet (IMO) hit your stride with all of this. How could you? It all came on so fast.

Just an idle thought (which doesn't mean anything), but could he have said mean and hurtful things to you b/c it's easier for him if you are angry with him?

This doesn't have to be the last time you come here, regardless of how it all goes Monday. In fact, I would say it might be good to come here and vent and even just hang out for awhile.

We are here to listen. Take care.

BEAR HUGS

[Grace_O]

How are you?

[WCW]

misshim, thinking of you today.

[misshim]

Ok, here I am back to work on wednesday. We went to court on Monday. H didn't have the insurance information ready for me. H blamed it on his H.R. department at work. The judge blamed him. H looked awful, worn out and stressed. I must say, I dressed up a bit, even painted my fingernails and toenails. Cleaned and polished my wedding rings. I was feeling sad and depressed but felt good on how I looked.

Bottom line, divorce held out until August 1. Then we don't have to go back, it's just a matter of paperwork. I guess then it will be final at that point. H is ticked off, but I smiled. My lawyer even squeezed a little bit of money out of him for lawyer fees.

After we left court, I texted him to remove his stuff from the house. He came over with a list, and removed everything that was his. (took him 1 hour) He started telling me how much his body hurt and stomache pains and now he thought he was getting strep throat. I just said I hope you feel better soon.

We didn't fight. I felt strange, like a major load was off my shoulders. Last friday night he was back to the way he was in the beginning. Hasn't loved me since 2004, I said but that was when our D4 was born. He said, yea that's why I don't love you, it's about time you catch on. I was angry but I told him, I'm sorry you feel that way and I asked him to leave. He left, I cried. Our D4 said, daddy doesn't like me anymore and I hugged her and kissed her and said daddy will love you forever he's just confused right now. argh !!!!

I'm just going to wait and see and go back to DB ing. We'll see what happens. I'm still writing in my journal for my sanity.

Even my lawyer said, that my H is very confused on life and he will probably grow up and try to come back. I sure hope so but I have to keep my wits.

Even though it's not over yet, I'm alot more relaxed and haven't cried since last friday. Yea for me !!!

D4 and I are keeping busy, we have newborn kittens in our window well and we've been nursing them back to health, which keeps us occupied. H will be getting D4 from daycare and bringing her home 2 hours later tonight. I have started to meet him in the driveway and it's much nicer that way. My D4 calls him the bus driver (he drives a large van) as we are waiting for him to pull in, or when he drops her off she says bye to the "bus driver". H left his family, so let him be the "bus driver" in our D4's eyes.

D4 did notice his dresser gone, she just said daddy's clothes are gone. I said, yes we needed more room for all of your toys. She said, that's a good idea mommy. Ha-ha, kids. I know it won't always be that easy but it was nice for a change.

[Grace_O]

((((misshim))))


Take all the good moments with your D4 and every second you can feel strong and peaceful and remind yourself how remarkable you are.

[misshim]

H dropped off our d4 last night. He was dressed up to go out I'm sure. He was talkative, but about D-4 and dinner. Now this is where I get confused. Should I be talkative to him? or just short and sweet??

We meet out in the driveway and it seems when I'm not very talkative he just turns and leaves. He'll say bye to D4 but not to me.

My old feelings keep coming up when I see him. I want to ignore all the things he said to me, especially last friday and maybe we can try to get back when it was nicer.

Then I remember what he said, just because he was hanging with us that didn't mean he was changing his mind on the divorce. He prayed with our D at bedtime and tucked her in just to help ME out. OMG !!! the flippin nerve.

I really think he went back to square 1 again. I'm sure in my foolishness I helped to push him back there. Why can't I just learn to detach from him?? Even though he's being a jerk, I still love him. WHY is that ????

Time will tell. I keep trying to tell myself to just let him go. He's hurtful and selfish. To me and my D4 with his words.

I was angry at him last weekend. H's weekend and I gave D4 a bath on saturday am before he picked her up. Then he will bring her home sunday at 6pm. I looked for her "dirty" clothes. None, he never washed up her "bottom" or didn't even change her underwear. It was warm outside and I know she was sweating. Our D4 has a little issue with her female parts, she needs to be kept clean & vaseline put on at night. Her crotch was bright red come sunday night when she got home. She was dirty because they went to a couple of graduation parties on saturday and sunday.

I'm venting but she needed to get washed up before bedtime. I know they got home late(i'm sure) but he still needs to wash her up alittle at least. No brushing her teeth, and no prayers. Oh i was ticked. Then to find out he never even put her to bed, his mother did because he wanted to go to another party (adult - d4 couldn't go) I told him that it's pretty sad that this was only the 3rd time she has stayed with your parents and you couldn't stay there until she fell asleep? He has her every other weekend but just because this B-day(adult) party fell on his weekend he had to go. Plus he knows how we have to clean her up for bed. His mother has never put our D4 to bed in the first place.

I know this isn't productive for anything, but I was ticked off and I told him, do this for our D4 not for me. I'm sure my d4 was very tired from running around outside in the heat all day. Still she needs to get teeth brushed, and washed up. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and said, ok I understand she was tired but then why couldn't you have cleaned up her "bottom" in the am? and brushed teeth also?

This is the stuff that will just eat me up. He can screw me over but DO NOT do it to our D4. My Lawyer told me on monday that don't let it bother me. He didn't hurt our D4 by not doing those things. I told her she was correct but it needs to be done.

Am I just being a B****???

Someone let me have it if deserved

[Grace_O]

Now this is where I get confused. Should I be talkative to him? or just short and sweet??

If you are in a good place (mentally) and you want to talk, that's fine. It's also ok if you want/need to keep it short and sweet. All of this forces you to look at your true motivations. Don't do anything that you know is punishing. That doesn't serve anyone. Also, if I have an agenda (you know, like "if I do this, then he'll...") I tend to keep it short. That helps me to keep my expectations low and when I am chatty it is genuinely friendly.

Then I remember what he said, just because he was hanging with us that didn't mean he was changing his mind on the divorce. He prayed with our D at bedtime and tucked her in just to help ME out. OMG !!! the flippin nerve.

Just b/c he said it, doesn't make it real, even for him. You may never know. Yeah that sux and it's mean and hurtful. If you can have compassion for his mucked-upedness, that's great, if not (and the trick is to work on detaching while having compassion), give yourself a break.

Why can't I just learn to detach from him?? Even though he's being a jerk, I still love him. WHY is that ????

If any of us had the answer to that one, I don't think there would be nearly as many of us on this site. Detaching is easier IMO when you don't see them as much, but with time, even those of us that see them alot get the hang of it.

He's going to parent differently than you and do things you don't like. Should he have taken care of her bottom? Of course, and she may not have been uncomfortable, I hope she would tell him if she was and that he would TCB. Are you being a B****? I don't think so. Does that change anything? No. You "telling" him what he needs to do for her will not motivate him in any way shape or form. Since it wasn't dangerous or distructive, I think you need to let it go.

You're angry and you get to be. I know how hard it is to be angry and still work on detaching and in addition to all of that not make things worse by falling into old patterns. You may not be in a place where you can not think that anything you do or say will make or break the situation. The truth is, when you can really look out for you and let him be and parent how he's going to, you will start to have moments of peace. Then it gets easier. Moment by moment, day by day.

Keep in mind has quickly all of this has happened. You really haven't had alot of time to process everything. It's all a work in progress.
Venting helps

HUGS

[misshim]

Thanks Grace,

I don't even know how to try anymore !! My thoughts and my own actions are getting so confused.

I do have bitterness for alot of what he said last friday. I know not to believe it all. Then I remember what he said back on June 15 th, that he loved me and wanted to be with us. But of course he said that he doesn't remember saying that, then said that that wasn't for me. Again, don't believe all he says.

This is all happening so fast that i'm not sure what to even do -- 180's? , go dark?, or just plain let him go totally. Try to be his friend, but then again I didn't like it when he said he used me (these last happier months)- even though I know he really seemed happier a few months ago. Now he's bitter and angry all over again.

I know I'm typing in circles (like my thoughts). I want to wipe the slate clean. Does anyone have any ideas for me on how to start all over again with him ?

I know I have to take care of my D4 and I first. But do I just totally leave him alone? Let the divorce happen (he filed, I can't really stop anyway)Or should I try to small talk. Right now we aren't really talking.

I'm as crazy as he is (it feels that way)

Happy 4th to all !!! D4 and I are going to a parade and a little carnival in a neighboring small town on Saturday so at least my mind will be off of him for awhile. (unless I see him there ! )

Grace, I hope you and your d's have a fun holiday

[WCW]

Act As If. Remember that part?

[misshim]

Act As If .... what? sorry I'm brain dead from the circles.

Act As If I'm still his friend? I do miss our small talks I have to admit.

With the holiday weekend here the last time he saw D4 was Wednesday and now he won't see her until monday. Daycare was closed Friday and it's normally his pickup day but he is off of work and too "busy" to take care of D4. I took D4 to my mother's today.

I would have thought he might have really wanted to be with her but it is all about him right now.

I really get confused about the Act As If stuff.

Act As If: I'm your friend?
The divorce won't be final (new date August 1)
The things you said to me doesn't hurt?

I've probably been told this before from people but please help.

It's very strange that he hasn't texted me some little thing but I'm sure he's still mad about the divorce being postponed.

Do you think I should just leave him alone and see if he texts me first or can I small "talk" text with him first.

I should have gotten the hang of this by now but I'm getting so confused. I don't want him to think I'm pursuing him but I really do miss our small talks.