Thank you so much. I had a hunch I shouldn't bring it up too. The last conversation was probably about a month or a little more ago about the porn thing ... but I just brought up the suggestion of reading PM and NMMNG so it is definitely best not to seem like there is a "problem" plus required summer reading. LOL.
Also...I still can't quite grasp what the reason would be that he had never been kissed at age 23 when you met. But keep in mind that this is certainly part of the problem.
See most of us, by the time we meet our man, some other girls have given them some training first. In your case, you have to train him for yourself, which is actually very difficult to do. Its much easier to train them for someone else! Meaning, its so much easier to have a short sexual relationship with someone who is inexperienced, give them a bit of experience, and then move on. To give them all the experience they've ever had means that they cannot give YOU any experience that YOU'VE never had. And for a man, this is very difficult. They literally have no clue (on their own, without reading up on it) what women need and want in bed.
And then the porn can specifically be an issue with a sexually inexperienced man, for the reasons you already stated (rushing through the process, just relying on visual stimulation, and not actually using their whole body, mind and passion for the act).
But we'll get him to realize this, I promise you. It is simply his complete lack of experience that causes him not to know that he is actually messing up his own sexual responses by relying on porn too much. So the good part there is that he just doesn't know better. He isn't choosing to do something that is bad for your sexual relationship, he just doesn't know better.
Men tend to just follow what feels good and not realize that it can be damaging.
DQ - no more reading done yet. H has had the craziest week at work and, to his credit, he read a few pages in the bathroom during the seconds he had free the past few days. He said that he likes what he read and he feels, based on just the few pages, like he "has work to do." Gotta give Mr. Lamby credit!
Thank you again and again for all your responses. They are definitely helpful ... I was starting to get angry about the porn thing so your response has cooled me down a little about it until "the big talk" will be necessary. Eeks. One thing at a time!
Okay ... so I read Ch2 in PM about differentiation. If no one knows what I'm talking about, I apologize but I'm writing this anyway just to get it down. PM talks about differentiation vs. emotional fusion. I know that in my most significant past relationship, I was emotionally fused to an insane degree and have possibly never recovered from it. His every movement, decision, breath, was determinative of where my next "dance step" would take me. I made almost NO decisions on my own w/o being driven by the insane push and pull of that relationship. I vowed that I would never have a relationship like that again. But that doesn't mean I've CHANGED ... it just means I've changed my approach. If this theory of differentiation is true and I know I've done no work to change my emotional fusion part of my personality, then I'm experiencing the pushing away part of emotional fusion -- the part that says that I need space / separateness of person in order to not get sucked into that person. But without learning how to be intimate w/o being absorb, I cannot feel the level of intimacy required to have a meaningful relationship. This is all pretty self-indulgent crap I think but I wanted to respond to my feelings about the readings.
I'm not sure if I can function anymore w/o the "no more porn" conversation. It eats away at me because I know he's looking at it ... he's not very sly ... and I'm SO ANGRY that I'm trying to work towards making our love life better and he's off doing "that." I feel left out of H's sexuality, desire, and love. I am so eaten away by it that I am not able to be NICE anymore. I pull away from him even further and get pissed off about things that aren't even related ... because I'm so angry and because I almost feel like HE SHOULD KNOW ALREADY! Someone please help!
You told him that you were "ok with it" in the past. I know you also qualified it with "as long as it doesn't interfere with our sex life", and now you feel it IS interfering ... ... but HE doesn't know or think that, because he feels he would be ready and willing for sex any time and that if you haven't approached him for it, well he'll just go take care of himself. Therefore to him, it isn't interfering - it is just a supplement. (Of course it escapes his attention that he could approach you FIRST, but then, that is why you are here, right? We'll get to that).
So I'm just trying to point out that if you suddenly freak out on him, he isn't going to know what you are talking about. As far as he knows, he is following the rules you had previously set up.
If you do need to go ahead and have that talk, then go ahead...but be very very calm and supportive, non-judgemental, non-emotional, and logical. I don't know how your communication normally goes but if you are prone to losing it on him, then maybe a note or letter would be better. Something very simple like:
"Dear H,
I need to get something off my chest, and it will help us improve our sex life.
I know in the past I told you it was ok with me for you to watch porn, but I did also state 'as long as it didn't interfere with our sex life'. At this point, I do think it is interfering, and I would respectfully ask that you not watch porn rather than have sex with me. If you feel the desire for an O or for sex, please approach me for it first, instead of turning to porn.
I'm sorry if this seems like I have waffled on this point, but when I originally told you it was ok, I did not expect you would do it so often and for this reason, I do think it is interfering with our sex life.
If you would like to discuss this in person, that is fine. I just wanted to write it down so as not to seem too emotional about it.
Love, Lamby"
The tone should be very low key and non-judgmental. Remember, he would probably rather have sex, but doesn't know how to approach you (for whatever his own reasons are, which you two haven't really nailed down yet). Also, because he is completely inexperienced sexually, he doesn't know that what he is doing will actually worsen his PE issues instead of fix them. So in his mind, he isn't cutting you out of his sexuality, desire, and love. First off, the porn doesn't capture any of his love, in his mind. Second, his desire is likely very high and can't really be completely wasted on porn, which he can prove to you because he can likely still have sex with you everyday, right? And his sexuality, he simply doesn't realize that porn and masterbation are part of a person's overall sexuality. Many people do not realize this. They believe it is a completely private thing and doesn't relate in any way to their partner or their sex life. This is NOT correct, but it is something people have to learn (sometimes the hard way).
Being that you are steeped in anger, yes you do need to go ahead and have this talk or write a letter. You do need to stop the flood gate from letting more damage in. But just recall during it, that you opened that gate, and he is just clueless to how you feel now. Take your share of the responsibility for causing this problem by being calm about it.
If you hand him a letter and he does want to talk about it later, be very careful and fragile with his male sensitivies. They hate it (as you probably) know when we just flip out and screech at them. They will basically shut down and not listen because in their minds, if you are flipping out, then you don't really have a real issue, you are just being "a woman". But if you can stay calm and gently try to explain how you feel left out of his sexuality, it will go over much better. This is not to say he will not defend himself though, as he probably will. He will say "but you said..." and things like "but I'm up for sex anytime, it doesn't interfere"...and you won't be able to respond with anything that will change his mind on these two things. So all you can do is just say "for now, I need it to stop or slow down to a crawl, while we explore our sexuality together, because it is doing me harm" and then just leave it at that. He may grumble about it. Just let him grumble. Later he will realize the truth in what you are saying.
Do you happen to know what kind of porn he watches? Just naked girls, or people having sex, or lots and lots of various people having group sex, or ... ??? I'm only asking because later in your sex life together, you may enjoy watching porn together...but it is a thing with very different possible tastes for everyone. Also knowing what he is watching will give you a tiny glimpse into his mind. Try not to read it literally or anything, but it is still a glimpse.
Many people who know this about me do not understand it, but me and my man have a "no masterbastion without permission" rule. That means we have to approach each other for sex and get turned down and get permission to masterbate from the other, before we are free to do it. The basic reason for this is that this way, we cannot "spend" our sexual energy on masterbation unless the other partner is good with it. This means we can avoid situations like what you are in, where you are wishing for more and he is busy on his own. It also means neither of us are allowed to watch porn without the other's consent or participation. That way neither of us can develop an addiction to it, and also, it makes it a fun special treat when we DO watch it together. To me, porn is kind of like a very heavy, thick, rich, sweet dessert. If you eat it every day, not only will you gain weight, but also eventually you will not really like the taste of it anymore, even if you are still eating it. My man and I would rather savor it for special occasions, and then it is really, truly delicious.
And it is something fun to share, too. I think watching it alone is actually just lonely. People think that the aloneness is what is cool about it and the intense privacy is something they believe they enjoy. What they don't realize until they really explore themselves, is that they are just used to feeling ashamed about it, and that is why they prefer doing it alone....because they learned very quickly that their mother and their girlfriends were offended by it. Once the shame is taken away from it, doing it alone, as I said, just becomes lonely. When you are truly free to do it, but choose to savor it with your partner instead of just sneak off to do it, you raise your sexual maturity level several notches.
