Can anyone give me a brief overview of LRT (last resort technique)?
Stop The Chase: stop pursuing, calling,pleading,snooping,begging. Stop saying "I love you, you're the love of my life, soulmate," etc..
Get A Life: Get out, get active, stop being desparate, stop dwelling, Act as if you are moving on/you will be ok no matter how it turns out. Get back to being you.Act like you've had an epiphany and are resuming living your life.
See What Happens: Watch for small changes. Observe. Adjust.
Chel, sorry you have to be here.
Post your situation/history, etc.
Read. Read forums, posts, see what has/is working for people. Ask questions. Read Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (II) on this forum.
Talk to you soon.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Further down, in one of the other forums, there is a section on LRT. I am sorry, but off the top of my head, i cannot remember exactly where it is. I will try to find a link. Gardner's summary is accurate, though.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I post this intermittently...I found it helpful (I didn't write it...just kept a copy)
In this humble man's opinion, the "Last Resort Technique" can be one of the most misunderstood, most misused, most feared, and most underutilized of all of Michele's tools.
The LRT, as I see it, isn't so much a defined set of actions, patterns, or a "plan". To me, it's more of a lifestyle, an attitude, and a state of mind.
To me, it's the infamous "Dobson letter", the one that is written and re-written at least 10 times, truly taken to heart within yourself, then torn up and never sent. If you have the right state of mind, your partner will KNOW you have set both them, and yourself, free by your words, actions, and attitudes, without ever giving them the letter.
It's when you finally take your life back, knowing that the DB techniques you've been learning and practicing are mostly for YOU and the quality of YOUR life. If you happen to draw your partner back to you, well, that's an added benefit.
It's when you are able to quit "reacting" to everything your partner does, or doesn't say or do. You begin taking the actions required to make your life situations better for YOU.
It's when you can stop letting fear guide your actions, and can open your mind up to a whole new world full of solutions to the situations you face in your daily life.
It's when "going dark" isn't merely done to prove to your partner that their life will SUCK without you, while you're hanging around for them to "wake up", to call or show up to profess their undying love for you. It's when you can use the "dark" times to work on yourself, and take a much needed break from the chaos. When you can re-center yourself UPON yourself, and not them or your relationship with them.
It's when you are no longer willing to put your life on hold while you are "waiting" for your partner to "recover" from their MLC, depression, an on-going affair, their lack of love for you, or whatever. You realize that you are in charge of your own life, that YOU are responsible for YOU, and you don't have to sit around in limbo until THEY change. You totally quite playing the "blame game". It's when you realize that you are not a "victim" to what life deals to you.
It's when the dreaded word "divorce" no longer sends your heart racing and mind reeling. After all, most of us are in a position where our relationships ain't too great right now, or could be a helluva lot better. Wouldn't you really love to "divorce" yourself from THAT relationship, and start a new one with your partner that's even better than what you could ever hope or imagine?
It's when you realize that your partner is a flesh and blood human being, that they have their own faults, doubts, demons, and fears, just the same as you. When you can begin to let go of trying to control the way they think and feel. When you learn to let them "own" their thoughts and feelings without assuming that YOU are responsible for, or have control over, those thoughts and feelings. When you can not necessarily "understand" them, but truly "accept" them.
It's when you can learn to be humble enough to admit that maybe this really ISN'T all about you, and you can stop taking all of your partner's actions and moods personally. When you can let them talk to you, vent their anger, thoughts, and feelings to you, without you feeling that it's all your fault, and that you can "fix" it, and that you can make it all better. Or that they really WANT you to make it all better. Or, that you even have the power to do that.
It's when you stop trying to "push" or "pull" your partner back into the relationship with you, and begin to "draw" them back to you. When you strive to become an irresistible magnet that no person can stop from being attracted to. Someone that makes a positive difference in the lives of everyone they touch. Someone that can make your partner feel that their lives are less joyful, less fulfilling, if they decide to spend it apart from you, to not have you near them. That you are someone that can add meaning to their lives just by knowing you. That can be an example of being the best that you can be.
It seems that thinking about the LRT can bring many negative, doom-ridden, and "final" thoughts to mind. I encourage everyone to "reframe" these thoughts, to put a positive spin on the concept, to see the actual benefits of this tool. (Or, maybe, we should have this "state of mind" FIRST instead of saving it for LAST?!)
I know that there's a lot of times I wish that I would have seen this tool in a more positive light sooner in my journey. As for me, it may be something I want to use as an "On Going Technique" instead of a "Last Resort Technique"!
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Those words are powerful and I agree with them. All my DB'ing, which was successful and my C said I was doing extremely well and she was positive this may be a hiccup in our marriage, has completely fallen apart over the past couple of days.
Today more D talk in fact wants to do paperwork over the 4th weekend so he can mail next week. H would like to be out of here mid-August. That involves moving from Minnesota to Montreal, Canada. H has friends there and in his words he just wishes he could get there sooner to have some fun this summer. We are both originally from North Dakota.
He admits my DB'ing techniques are positive and has asked where was that woman before she got put in a position to try and save this marriage. I indicated the DB'ing was primarily for me and if he felt positive vibes that was a bonus. He stated unequivocally "it is too late". Not once would agree to see a counselor with me. He just kept pursuing his own life and now is set to simply run away from everyone, including his family.
I was strong at the end of last week, had consulted an attorney myself and knew whatever happened I would be okay. In fact, I too, am sick of the same back and forth and would like to D myself out of this uncomfortable marriage.
However, yesterday and today I am at my absolute lowest and I am seriously considering going dark but still I am encouraged to hope, I mean once he leaves for another country and by him burning bridges H won't come back. H has crossed the line of looking back and I agree it is too late and too much has happened. The awful part is we work and live together so I have zero space of my own and I fear the next 6 weeks will not be pleasant.
I hope your life is in good spirits and I again thank you for passing along those words, keep doing it.
Michele
M 42 H 41 M 16 yrs Together 20 yrs No Kids Bomb 5/16/09 D papers are in the house, ticking time bomb
