Also he put a 10K deposit down on a manure spreader (farm equipment, function is self-explanatory)...a 'past due' notice came here the other day that he was late on a payment. Still owes another 10K on it. Plus the truck payment, tractor payment, home improvement store credit card payment....his debt is growing and technically it is mine too since we are still married, right???
Hello BobbiJo, I occassionaly follow along with interest because of the 'farming' aspect in your sitch. Can't recall if I've ever posted to you before but often thought I would but probably got interupted and then forgot what I was going to say. (blond - lol)
I live in a community property state but what I learned from the credit card companies is that if the card has only one name on the account then that is the only person responsible. That means the big debt my H has on his individual accounts is not debt that I can be held liable for. That came direct from the cc company. It still doesn't seem right but I guess I have to assume they know their own rules.
Run your credit report. If you have any joint accounts get your name off asap! If there is a balance that will be harder to remove your name. Get your name off any inactive accounts. It might hurt your credit score by lowering your debt to assett ratio but in the long run that will be better than nonpayment.
The debt on the farm equipment - let me offer a lesson I learned the hard way. I work hard to keep my debt in control, make my payments, not buy what I can't afford. H spends and spends. He buys a new truck every 2 years. I believe H is finally realizing the havoc he has caused, he did not get a new truck last year and I was relieved. What didn't occur to us until tax time was that we LOST that deduction for depreciation on our taxes. That meant instead of getting a refund I had to write a check. Had he bought a truck and made his own payments WE would have received a refund. All that farm equipment is deductible on the farm taxes, depreciation is a huge factor. Also, it sounds like your H has plenty irons in the fire and keeps them all pretty hot. I am not defending him, but be thankful for the fact that he isn't a deadbeat that sits around doing nothing and then you would have no income from him.
Put some positive spins on things you feel negative about. Don't get sucked down the road of talking ugly.
I spent a lot of weekends in your state a few years back when we were on the road promoting our horses. That was one of hardest years of my life and one of the best too!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I do not disagree on the farming stuff. Because of H's farm work, we got back around $10K in taxes the past 3 years. Now, technically, of course, he had to SPEND a lot of money first! But yes, depreciating the cattle themselves along with the equipment has been very nice...
I have stopped giving him any advice/grief over cattle and cattle related spending. With the amount of money he makes a year, he can afford to buy that stuff. He is just disorganized bill-wise so he gets late notices and late fees. That is why I took over all bill-paying once we got married. That and I was a sub. teacher with more free time to pay bills!
The part that concerns me is that my sister the lawyer has told me (she told me over a year ago actually), and the attorney I consulted also told me, that in our state they will line up all the assets/income for each person, and line up all the debt. Then they try to come up with something equitable.
So although Dan has a lot of income, he also has a lot of debt, which impacts the financials of our situation should we divorce. It is true that the Home Depot can't really come after me for a card in Dan's name, but Dan's debt there is factored in to our proceedings. Make sense??
I am not sure where I am on the Dan department. I have raced my way through the entire "Boundaries in Marriage" book. All I can say, in short, is LIFE-CHANGING. I felt like I understood Oprah for a minute there. Not that I watch much Oprah but I have seen a few episodes where she is promoting a book, a lifestyle plan, etc where she gushes about "a-ha moments" and "life-changing" impact.
That is what this book is to me. I actually have found it to be the most influential book I have read other than the Bible. I know that is a lot to say about one book. But, along with the other, general "Boundaries" book, it is so clear about how best to live an honest, authentic life.
I have always had a hard time saying no to people, enforcing limits, etc etc. And this book explains why that happens sometimes, things like family of origin, fear of losing love/rejection, being the 'bad guy', etc. It is all stuff I should have known, but didn't.
In the marriage book it talks about a wife who always tried to 'love her husband out of' his bad moods, anger, unhappiness, etc. And you can't! Which I knew, but still, to see it written out in front of you is something different. For me, anyway.
There is a whole section on "Whose Problem is It?" There were parents of a grown son who drank/partied his way through college. He got kicked out a few times and each time the parents 'fixed it'--paid the damages, helped him find a new college to take him, etc etc. Now he had dropped out and they got him an apartment, helped him find a job. They said he had a big problem b/c he was still living a wild lifestyle and not taking advantage of their help.
The counselor (one of the books' authors) told them their son didn't have a problem. Why? Because THEY were solving them all for him! What did his actions get him? Several chances at college, a paid-for apartment, and a new job. So in his mind, he had no problem! THEY had the problem because they didn't let him feel any consequences for anything.
I use that example b/c it parallels my own experience. My husband cheated on me for over a year, and I --wanted him to stay with me without demanding/enforcing real change --covered for him at his job, acted like we were fine so he wouldn't get in trouble --hid the truth (still am actually) from virtually all but immediate family, allowing him to appear the great family man --paid his bills for him until a month or so ago --cook him dinner when he comes over --go out to movies/dinner/etc with him and the kids like we are one big happy family
Need I go on? I know that my friends here will probably think I am blaming myself too much. But that isn't it. It isn't blame in that sense. He did the things he did and he put himself in a position to lose his reputation, his friends, his job even. But I have chosen to respond by trying to 'love him' out of his problems, to show him how great a wife I am by sticking by him, supporting him, etc. I even mowed his lawn at his soon-to-be house a couple times when he was busy at work and didn't do it himself!
I am just seeing through new eyes how I have handled the situation from the get-go, and also how he has (or hasn't) handled it from his end. I have shielded him from 90% of the consequences out of this idea that I was showing him love. Now it doesn't advise being vengeful or vindictive. It just says that if the spouse has left the home, he/she should not enjoy any of the benefits of marriage unless/until they actively re-commit to the marriage. Duh.
So anyway I read the whole thing in about a week's time and have been digesting it ever since....
Hey SMW! Didn't know if you were already aware, but the authors of both books (there is actually a collection of them including Boundaries with Children and Boundaries with Teens) are Christians. They have a website, cloudtownsend.com. Very informative too!
Since I seem to accumulate phone numbers at the grocery store--DESPITE telling them I am married--maybe I should get both! Nevermind--one of us dating in our marriage is bad enough!
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
It is 1:30 and I am still awake. Got back at 12:15 from SIL/BIL "100 Year Party". Both turned 40 this year and they have been married for 20 years, 40+40+20=100...
They have been married 20 years and have two awesome girls, 17 and 13. Both girls are pretty, smart, athletic, involved in extra-curriculars, active at church, etc etc. So proud of them and their commitments! I heard SIL point me out to someone as "there's my brother's wife"...I know I am still his wife but with us separated it was strange to hear it.
Dan is being a little random, he left a msg on the machine last night "called to tell everyone I love them"...the last couple times before that he said he was calling to tell the kids goodnight/ILY...
Then I got a text from him 15 minutes ago. At 1:20 am?? Said "I left my phone charger at the plant. My ph will die soon, maybe. If you can't get through on it. Call the Black foot inn. 555-555-5555. Room xyz."
Thing is, he checks out tomorrow morning. When between 1:20 and 8 am was I going to call him??
In related news, I am strengthening my resolve to enforce boundaries with Dan. It is tough b/c part of me really wants to spend time with him. B/c I love him, duh. And it is 4th of July weekend, I bought some fun small firework stuff to do with the kids, they picked out things with me at the firework store that they want to light with their dad, too. But I will just divide the fireworks into 2 bags and leave them stuff to do with Dan. It is about 18 months past the time I needed to draw a better line in the sand...
I spent about 20 minutes on the phone with a counselor/support guy from a national radio ministry program this afternoon. It is the radio program (new life) that promoted the "boundaries" books a few months ago, I heard it at work.
I have listened to them a handful of times since then, people call in with issues (family/work/marriage) and the broadcasters advise them on how to best handle the situations from a Christian perspective, with the idea of being loving but also having limits/consequences.
Anyway I called the number to get a referral for a counselor in my area who supported their ministry approach. The guy asked me a few questions and directed me to the guy I talked to for 20 minutes. He specializes in the marriage/porn/affair category, apparently. He re-affirmed a lot of things I already knew about what I was doing right/wrong, and what Dan was doing.
He said that from his experience working with men like Dan, he probably had given up the porn/affair thing many times, thinking he could handle it on his own. But he couldn't and since he couldn't eliminate the problem on his own he doesn't think it will ever go away, hence the whole "I can't promise you it won't happen again" line I got last month.
Anyway he said that as long as Dan was getting everything he wanted, almost (meaning, he can come and go from our/my house as he pleases, enjoy family time with me and the kids, etc without living here and committing), there was no real incentive to change. He also said that when he did go to counseling with me, or some of the other things like apologizing, crying, etc etc he was most likely just trying to cover his bases without a real intent to change his ways.
All things I have heard from you guys, from my parents, my pastor...
Basically he said he could not tell me what to do, but he supported the idea that Dan needed to feel the consequences of his decisions. Things I know but I need to put into action.
That all sounds good, I think its human nature to resist resist resist hey.. but seeing as you are receiving the same consistent message from all quarters its having a cumulative effect on you no doubt! I hear you blaming yourself alot in your posts, or even kicking yourself for not doing things differently, but all you really did was sort of love him alot hey, so you probably couldnt have changed things. Although from here on is, yes, time to stop mopping his fretted brow!
I'm sorry that you still find yourslef in this place, I dont know what to suggest other than.. no, dont mow his lawn/pay his bills/take up the slack with the kids (like um, buying stuff in the store the kids wanted to do with him.. let HIM go to the store and sort fun things out with his kids, if he didnt rememebr, get time to, then so be it).. better to be alluring and mysterious and NOT good old Bobbi, the one he walked out on hey. Wishing you luck with the new regime of boundary enforcing! Al xx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
But yes, depreciating the cattle themselves along with the equipment has been very nice...
Not that I watch much Oprah but I have seen a few episodes where she is promoting a book, a lifestyle plan, etc where she gushes about "a-ha moments" and "life-changing" impact. 
Nevermind--one of us dating in our marriage is bad enough!