Fire's burning out...just smoldering

[blindsided1]

Good Morning. I am still doing okay. I was kind of worried that the reality of the D would hit me, but so far, I've been okay. I suppose the day I get the final court-signed papers saying it's official...I may cry some.

H keeps calling. I don't answer. He called last night. He called at 6am this morning. I didn't answer. No message. So, it can't be that important, can it. Most likely he's looking for sex talk. I think that is the main reason I don't answer. I just don't want to deal with it.

Kendall is healthy for the first time in a really long time. No cough, no congestion. She's eating, laughing, playing. I LOVE IT!!!! Wow, she truly is a godsend. She makes me so damn happy...I'm actually crying right now as I type that. I just love her so much.

Last night when I went in to check on her...it was soooo quiet and still. It was fairly dark and as I peeked on her...she looked way too still. For a brief moment, I panicked thinking something might be wrong. That was the worst feeling I have EVER felt. Thank god it was brief. But, it made me worry about her first whole weekend with her Dad starting tomorrow. I really worry....

I suppose, mostly, it's because I am her Mom and somehow maybe I feel that no one can care for her like I can. But, it's also because he is so irresponsible and doesn't pay attention and is rough and impatient. I worry because the majority of the weekend he'll have both babies by himself. I just can't imagine. I just pray pray pray pray pray pray.