They say the grass is always greener... over the septic tank.
I know it's hard to watch you kids not have a close R with their Dad. I can't say I blame your S11 for feeling soso today about spending the night. It's sad what the kids will put themselves through to see and have aliitle time with their Dad. You son staying at her place, well that's just sad that he couldn't take a couple of days just for his son.
Enjoy D17's b-day! They grow up way to fast don't they? It would be nice if he got what he was missing, if only so your D17 would feel it. At least you get to keep all these moments.
I've been doing so well lately but these past couple of days I could feel myself getting down...I have been doing a good job of getting a life but when you come home and it's all quiet...it all hits all over again...I'm really depressed...been crying....the whole nine yards...will I ever get past it all? Geez....he's not coming home...I need to get that through my hard head...it totally sucks...I think because I'm totally exhausted...I'm trying to do and be everything for everyone else..I never take time for me really...and my son said the other day when I was going to meet a friend for dinner...he said, "mom you always go out with your friends"...OMG....I NEVER go out....I have always been here with my kids, being the mom...I felt sooooo bad...see, all he sees is what I'm doing...he has no idea that his dad is living the life and going out all the time... I feel my health being affected now...the crying isnt good, just drains me more but I can't hold it inside anymore...I'm trying to do all the right things...
Ya know, My H said I'm damaging my kids basically by being honest with them when he is the one who told my D17 that he and I were only married on paper and that his love child is here because the pill failed...WTF? Warned her that the pill is not 100%...ok, so I'm the one damaging my kids...what do you think she's going to remember....HHuuuhhhhhh....
The only reason H comes around every few weeks is to get his son for the night...nothing here interests him anymore...he doesnt even really speak or say goodbye...he just disappears into the night....
I'm not perfect by any means but I do love my family and I have alot of love to give yet...I hope I'm able to open myself up to that love again...or I will be the one grow old lonely...H will be right...he will be the happy one...cause he was able to move on...I'm stuck...In limboland....
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
I'm feeling a little slipping! So I will have to try to pick you up a bit!
I think it is perfectly normal to have the down times, the trick is how you react to them. Here are some things to remember....
You are a good person. That's true whether you H is with you, with an OW, or on Mars. He doesn't get a vote on this subject anymore!
Take time for yourself. That might not even mean going out. Your kids are old enough, they don't need you to do everything for them. Take some time in the evening.... read a book, watch a girly movie, take a bubble bath... If you don't think everything that needs to get done around the house is getting done, assign the kids some chores! You son is old enough to do a reasonable (not perfect, probably) on a bathroom, he can certainly drive a vacuum cleaner, load a dishwasher...
Remember that you are a good mom. You are not damaging your kids. OF course your H will say that, since the situation certainly can't be his fault! Your kids are going to remember that you are the one that was there for them. Don't let his words hurt you!
Treese, you do have a lot of love to give. And you will receive a lot, too. Start by loving yourself. Because you deserve it!
Treese, I used to say the same thing yr said, about him being old and lonely in the end. And I think it is very possible. But, it might not be, too.
What I've realized is that it doesn't matter! What matters is what happens for you! Don't tie your happiness to what happens with him. It may be that the better thing for everyone is that in the end he is happy. It could be better for the kids that way. Anyway, the my point is that your happiness isn't connected to his, and it's a waste of energy to be confused about his!
I've been having some bad days recently, too-- depressed and crying-- when I had been doing so well. Our moods cycle, and will probably continue to do so for a long, long time. I have noticed, though, that the slumps are getting further and further apart. You just have to ride them out.
Well....it finally is coming to an end...H emailed me that he wants to move forward with MEDIATION.....he says its the most cost effective, PAINLESS, way and best for the kids....WTF? Painless for who? Him maybe? he has gotten to a point he is comfortable in his life so now lets turn mine more upside down than it really is....
I have been with this man for thirty years, I refuse to go down without a fight...it is now my children and myself...I have to do what's best for them...I will never make it on my own...
All this in the middle of planning my daughters wedding, senior year for my D17 and my son is just in the middle...I hate this....I hate all of it...I guess its time to throw in the towel...his OW wins...they have managed to beat me down...
I did try and call him....he didn't answer, of course...I left him a nice message, that I didn't get where this was going to be painless, that I was not going to mediation...for him to proceed whatever way he feels he should...that's it...
He will not be lonely...he has OW her children and his LOVE CHILD....I will be the lonely one....starting now...I feel such an emptiness in my heart and in my stomach...my life has forever changed....thank God for my children....
Is there any attorneys out there that can tell me the best way to go...PLEASE!!!!
Treese
Last edited by Treese; 07/02/0912:17 PM.
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Treese you are right,you need to take care of you and your children. Not so sure about ow winning. What has she won? I really don't think there are any winners in D, affairs, etc.
My h too could possibly have a love child, so I completely understand your pain. Yes our lives have forever changed.
You will have to eventually accept your h and your situation for whatever it is. When you get to acceptance, you will allow yourself to move forward.
Hang in there! Hugs!
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Treese, Painless? Oh, he's thinking of himself and not anyone else. He wants everything to be neat and tidy and wrapped up nicely with a big bow on top. Separation and divorce are painful to everyone except the mlcer. What he's saying is that he wants to cut the ties and have everything done in a very civil manner and no tears or upsets by anyone. He thinks that you can be friends after this is over with. Maybe you can and maybe you can't. I wouldn't even waste by breath trying to discuss what is painless and what isn't. He's not going to listen to you because his mind is made up. What you can do is ensure that you and your family are taken care of and make sure that your lawyer is on top of things.
Let me try to explain what "friend" means to the mlcer. Friend means having a relationship w/the ex spouse, whereby nothing has changed, i.e., come and go, borrow things, walk in the house, etc. It means that they have the same relationship they had in marriage, but with no responsibility. That is what a friend is to the mlcer. To us, being a friend is far, far different...
Life isn't fair and yes, we do have other disruptions that always come into play when planning weddings, graduations, etc., but we have to learn to focus on the good and the happy times and realize that these disruptions are a blip on the radar screen. If I were you, I would get the best attorney in town and let him deal w/this situation. You have other things that need your attention right now. If your h wants a divorce, then let him do the work and negotiate w/your attorney.
Lonely? You are only as lonely as you want to be. You are still young, have a good head on your shoulders and will be just fine once the dust settles. As for your h, I wouldn't want to be in his shoes in the years to come. He's got a lot to face at some point in time.
Now, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and look to today and continue planning the wedding w/your daughter. You've got a lot to do and time doesn't stand still, in fact, it will go very quickly when planning weddings.
