WAW and 4 kids

[sandi2]

Yes, it sounds "crazy" b/c all of it is crazy in many ways and that's why it is so hard to know what to do in each day as it comes.

There is a start contrast in the feedback you get - set firm boundaries/don't take any crap vs. be sympathetic because she is in a crisis. I have been leaning towards the former, but also see that I need to consider the latter as well given some of the things that have transpired.

When I read a thread that is mostly LBH's talking to each other.....I can't deny that at times it stings. Like when I hear how all WAW's are liars and cheaters. I won't say that it is not the truth.....but never-the-less it hurts to hear how brutal some can get and as I said before, the H's get so sympathetic with each other until the part where "they" messed up gets lost in their thread. I never spoke a lie to my H. However, I lied and I cheated by sneaking my contacts and by having the EA with OM. In that respect....yes, all WAS are liars & cheaters. But, I can't deny that it hurts when I read over and over.....in bold letters...ALL WAW's LIE AND CHEAT! I almost feel as if I need to go throw myself in the trash. Several men have started passing that along on their threads (I think My friend, Puppy, started that.... :), and he's correct and he has a reason to feel like he does.) I understand, and LBH's have a hard time accepting what the W is doing and so I see Pup's reasoning behind it. I am not arguring that point. At times, I think men who are newcomers jump on that bandwagon and make decions to expose too quickly and then find out they acted in haste. As you said, you had done part of that within 24 hours after discovering the EA. That was hurt and revenge you were acting out of.....not DB principles. I don't think exposure is in the DB book, but that is a POV from some people here on the board.

Neither am I here to try to confuse you or to cause you to be sympathetic toward WAW's. I only wish to give you a POV from the WAW's perspective. Just as you are so hurt that you can't think straight, she is so "fogged out" that she can't think, either. Remember, she is confused and hurt also. This "state" that she is in is not a normal place for her and you can tell that by the way she talks, acts, & her attitude.....everything tells you that she is not herself, right? Also, this started some time ago, according to your posts. She was unhappy for quite some time, but after OM came along, it esculated. A lot of that was due to "your" reaction when you discovered it. I do not defend a WAW b/c I think she is "right"! I never, ever do that! An A is wrong, whether it is an A of the heart or physical. However, I know that the general population of LBH's do not have the information about a WAW/MLC and by the time he comes here, he usually has done all the wrong things and is in a bad place in his M. So, I try to tell a LBH what his W is feeling and may be thinking....based on my personal experience.

I do understand why LBH's get all up in the air over OM and how their ego has been hurt. I go get that! But what bothers me is how they quickly seem to forget that the problem was there before OM and now they want to blame the entire stitch on the A. So, I am not making excuses for the WAW and I'm not saying what she did should be over-looked. I want that understood by everyone. I do hope to give enough information that a LBH could have a more equal look at both sides amd therefore be more "balanced" in his actions. There is a time to use strick methods with the WAW. (I do believe in setting boundaries and keeping your self-respect in tact.) However, the H needs to realize why she does some of the things she does and there are times if he tries to be "harsh" with her that it will result in more tragic loss that help. That is what I want to help you prevent, okay? I'm not trying to get you to throw away all the other information you've received.....not at all, but try to have a balanced over-view of the situation. I believe that if she had any other problem where it was causing unusual, erratic behavior or mental disability--that you would have all the compassion in the world for her. I realize this is different from that from a medical POV, and it is the deal breaker in most M's. But, please......please realize that "this" is not the girl you married. This is not your wife that you've known all these years. This is a stranger in your house and you MUST......MUST stop thinking of "how could she do this to me" and think of her as another person instead of the woman you M. I'll tell you another verse to that.......she feels like a stranger to herself. She won't tell you that, but she doesn't understand what's going on--and her mind will deceive and justify itself at what she's doing. This adds to her confussion. At some point this is going to catch up with her and hit her hard. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. It was scary b/c I did not know what was happening to me. It was this board that saved my M and saved my sanity.

I keep reminding LBH's all the time to stop thinking of their WAW in "normal" terms. But they keep going back and expecting her to act normally! Then they get all upset when she doesn't. That is why you need to find a balanced ground to stand on and to understand what "dropping the rope" is all about before you make anymore lasting mistakes. As you are seeing, the results of exposing her has not been good. The thing that concerns me when a WAW is exposed of an EA is that they get to thinking what is the point of not going ahead and having a PA b/c her H has told everyone how horrible she is and now everyone thinks the worst about her, (including her own children), so she might as well live up to their poor image. I don't believe an EA should be exposed when it could be dealt with in private by the couple who were having the "trouble" before EA hit. Anyway.....that is done and you can't undo it anymore than she can go back in history and undo her EA with OM. Would be nice, wouldn't it, if we could erase all our mistakes?

I have to go, but maybe I will get a chance later to talk to you about "dropping the rope". I saw you mention it on another thread but I have not gotten around to really talking about that.

Please......please don't try to dig up more dirt on the OM. It only makes her more defensive of him. It is not about "him"......that is not what you get. When you finally get that through your head, you will stop doing this stuff about him. A WAW usually gets involved with a man who is as opposite from her H as he can be. It doesn't matter that he has a criminal record. No, it doesn't.....and nothing you say about him will shock her into "waking up" or make her be a "good girl". The more you say about him, the more she will turn to him. You must stop focusing on OM....period. Focus on what kind of man you were when she fell in love with you. How far have you come from that person in the last few years?

I'll talk to you more later. Hope you have a good day.

Sandi