There is a whole section on "Whose Problem is It?" There were parents of a grown son who drank/partied his way through college. He got kicked out a few times and each time the parents 'fixed it'--paid the damages, helped him find a new college to take him, etc etc. Now he had dropped out and they got him an apartment, helped him find a job. They said he had a big problem b/c he was still living a wild lifestyle and not taking advantage of their help.
The counselor (one of the books' authors) told them their son didn't have a problem. Why? Because THEY were solving them all for him! What did his actions get him? Several chances at college, a paid-for apartment, and a new job. So in his mind, he had no problem! THEY had the problem because they didn't let him feel any consequences for anything.
I use that example b/c it parallels my own experience. My husband cheated on me for over a year, and I --wanted him to stay with me without demanding/enforcing real change --covered for him at his job, acted like we were fine so he wouldn't get in trouble --hid the truth (still am actually) from virtually all but immediate family, allowing him to appear the great family man --paid his bills for him until a month or so ago --cook him dinner when he comes over --go out to movies/dinner/etc with him and the kids like we are one big happy family
Need I go on? I know that my friends here will probably think I am blaming myself too much. But that isn't it. It isn't blame in that sense. He did the things he did and he put himself in a position to lose his reputation, his friends, his job even. But I have chosen to respond by trying to 'love him' out of his problems, to show him how great a wife I am by sticking by him, supporting him, etc. I even mowed his lawn at his soon-to-be house a couple times when he was busy at work and didn't do it himself!
I am just seeing through new eyes how I have handled the situation from the get-go, and also how he has (or hasn't) handled it from his end. I have shielded him from 90% of the consequences out of this idea that I was showing him love. Now it doesn't advise being vengeful or vindictive. It just says that if the spouse has left the home, he/she should not enjoy any of the benefits of marriage unless/until they actively re-commit to the marriage. Duh.
So anyway I read the whole thing in about a week's time and have been digesting it ever since....
