WAW and 4 kids

[tryingtilDorR]

Sandi - the feedback from a former almost-WAW is invaluable. Thank you so much for your time. I know full well that I bear half the responsibility for the state of our M and have told her so.

If the LBH is suspicious and needs to find out if there is an OP, I can understand that, but at the same time....when the snooping starts, it is hard to stop (based on what other LBS have shared). I would think that it is torment to read messages from WAW to OP. You said that it made you realize you didn't want to settle for being treated this way......are you saying that finding out she had OM made you realize that? I believe that is really sad that it took such a drastic ordeal for you to see that you needed to change. I don't think it was a matter of you not being "treated that way" as much as "that point in time" was when you started the self improvements.

I agree with all of this. I also think it is sad and tragic that it took an OM to get me to wake up and I have told her that. Also, you are correct that once snooping starts it is hard to stop. However, I feel like I have really turned a corner on this front over the past few weeks after realizing I can't control her. I haven't snooped in a few weeks after doing it for several months. I get the urge, but I know that nothing productive will come of it now that I know what is basically going on! The things I heard the first time I snooped were very impactful and hurtful. She told the OM how she couldn't stand me and was just here for the kids, called him 'babe' and other affectionate things, etc etc. It is what made me really wake up and I know it is sad that it had to come to that. My IC told me that both of us have been avoiders, and when I would hear complaints from her I would sweep it under the rug, but what I heard from my snooping made me really face reality and not be able to deny her true feelings (IC pointed this out to me) about me and the M.

You shamed her before her world and she felt a terrible guilt (and she should have), however......it will not stop her! It slowed her down b/c of the shame, but I don't think the exposure will stop her. What does she have to lose now? If I had been exposed, the first thing I would have done was leave town and go straight to the OM. When that didn't work out.....I hate to think what I might have done--in the frame of mind I was in at the time.

While I am sad that my kids were exposed to the sordid mess, at least it made her consider her behavior in the light of the real world in front of the people she loves (like my in-laws and some of our closest friends).

Out of all the things I have done, this seems to be the biggest wedge between us right now. Her anger over this surpasses everythign else and it is the one thing I should have handled differently. I made the decisions to communicate all this in the first 24 hours after finding out the truth. My MIL had been suspecting somethign all along as well so she was the first one I confided in.


Y

eah, I'm sad your kids know, too! She won't win the "Mother of the Year" award, will she? Does that make you feel better? See, I could really beat a LBH up when he does something like this b/c I feel that it is more revenge than anything else, and even though she is wrong to get emotionally involved with another man......I don't think you did the right thing by not protecting your wife while she is in this state of mind. Her R with her children may be never be the same after this. I know.....you are thinking that "she" ruined it...not you. Again, it is how a person sees it, and I see it from the POV of a WAW......and that is what "she" is. She says that she is there for "the kids".....and I say that they are the only ones she feels she has a reason to stay. As a mother, I think I know how badly it hurts her for her children to know about her EA. I pray it does not backfire on you.

Just so you know, the kids overheard accidentally. I would never have exposed them to this intentionally. After my D15 overheard us talking about it we both felt sick about it and I know W was devastated. She got help from her IC on how to discuss it with the kids and she did.

Now she sleeps in the other room every night, but tries to do it discreetly so that it isn't obvious to our kids.

W says she sleeps better in there, but I know it is a way for her to maintain distance really, and it and the rest of our platonic relationship is driving me nuts!

You sound as if you are whining--as only a LBH can do. You were expecting her to want to sleep with the man who exposed her EA to her world?? Really! This is the point I was trying to make. You LBH's amaze me! Of course she is trying to be discreet. Doesn't that tell you that she "cares" what the kids think? You still don't "get it". She is in a crises mode and you have not protected her. What would you do if she had a serious mental problem? Would you protect her then? Maybe that is not the best illustration in the world, but I'm trying to get you to see that she is not her "normal" self.

Yes I am whining. I think I make myself the victim in my mind because she is having the EA, and then never consider her own personal sitch outside of the fact that she is addicted to her EA. It can cloud the thinking.

It usually is a long road. I think I may have been the exception, but mine was not that short, either. It takes a lot of love and strength. I did not feel much of either--and before it was over, I think my H just about gave up hope......but that was when he finally let go and backed away to give me space and time to work it out. And.....I did.

I hope I can have the same outcome. I am willing to wait but I need to create the time for all this to sort itself out and not push her away.

Lately she has toned down the contact with OM but it is still there. My boundary was no more contact EVER, and she then chose to sleep in another room because she could not promise no contact ever

So, do you not take any responsibility in the fact that she's sleeping in another room? You think it all has to do with the fact she can't promise never to contact OM? I think you are deceiving yourself. Stop blaming "everything" on OM. Yes, a GREAT deal has to do with her confused feelings in this MLC (if she is in one) and her fantasy of OM........but you have to accept your breakdown in the M.

I am starting to see this from a different light - thanks. I see her in the other room and I get angry due to OM. Maybe now I can be more at peace given that I have driven her there with my behavior recently also. It is easy to focus on the lies and deceit over her denials of interactions with the OM, but at the same time there are other facets to the situation. There is a start contrast in the feedback you get - set firm boundaries/don't take any crap vs. be sympathetic because she is in a crisis. I have been leaning towards the former, but also see that I need to consider the latter as well given some of the things that have transpired.

But don't you see, it almost sounds as if "now" you can blame the other guy with the break-up of the R with your W. Stop doing that!! You don't get off scott free. The trouble was there before the OM. I keep saying that b/c I want you to get that. It is too easy to blame somebody else for the fault. LBH's almost get to sounding as if they are near "perfect" when they start blaming the W for her A and the OM for the breakdown of the M. Hummmmmmm

I know you are right. I have this big mental block about the OM however - see my previous reply-post where I mentioned that it creates a huge barrier to working on the R, so I almost think that getting rid of OM is an emergency or something. The OM has definitely receded, but he isn't gone, and that scares me more than anything and drives a lot of my behavior. As far as the trouble being there before OM I understand that and my W and I have this ongoing argument about this - I say OM is preventing R, and she says that M was bad before OM and OM had noting to do with her desire to R, and on it goes! I finally have given up this argument because it goes in circles and said that maybe we should discuss it at a MC session (we don't go as a couple currently)??

Well, I may have run you off after all of this! Believe it or not....I have never left several posts in a row like I have done this evening. But now I have made a dent (lol) and maybe...maybe I won't be as long winded next time....but don't promise.

Thanks - your advice has really hit the spot tonight - it has been a rough 24 hours for us and I have some new things to think about now! Advice from a WAW will never run me off - I will consume all of it and try to put it to use.

I talk very plain to LBH's b/c I care.....and I hope you know that. If I didn't care about you and your W....I would not have spent my evening on this computer with your stitch. I do pray that you can endure this horrible crises that both of you are going through.

I know it seems awful unfair to you, but I hope you will also believe me when I say that she is not happy and she's going through something she doesn't understand. Her mind is in a turmoil and she's fogged out. I'm afraid it may get worse, so I hope you are in it for the long haul. We are here to support you as long as you will listen and try to understand.

The advice you give is unlike any other I have received and I thank you for it. It is going to help me to 'do something different' - the situation I am in isn't great but obviously could be worse given the other stories I read here. Your feedback will help me reconsider what I have been doing and try to do something different.