You grieve however you feel you need to. Your H doesn't have a feeling bone left in his body where you are concerned. He is only thinking of himself and OW. It's hard to hear, I know, even harder to accept. Honestly, the best thing you can do for yourself and your son right now is to completely detach from your H. Let him spin wildly out of control all on his own. He will you know. As soon as the fantasy he has been living in for so long comes crashing down around him and becomes the ugly reality of everyday living, he'll realize what he's done. Mine did.....far too late. The detachment will keep you and your son from being pulled down with him.
So, looking at the realities of what you are facing:
1)BIL's passing is unconditionally the first priority right now. Emotionally, you need to grieve, but try to compartmentalize the grief so it doesn't become intertwined with the pain from your M.
2)Living arrangements - unfortunately it's sounding more and more like he is going to force something here. I can't imagine that any man would kick his W and child to the curb, but he's going to make life miserable for you if you stay in the same house much longer. Do you have any options? Can you kick him out?
3)I'm not sure if I have read it here or not, do you work?
Mishka - I really appreciate your response. You are right, H does not care about my feelings. H is only thinking of himself and OW. I also agree he probably needs to hit bottom to realize what truly matters. In order for him to do that, I need to detach. Right now I feel pulled in two directions because it is his brother that died and I know the pain he's in. Unfortunately for me, I am not only grieving for BIL but also our M. It's like H slapped me in the face yesterday with a reality check of how he really feels. I've been focusing on changing myself and trying to be the best W I can be, one H would be crazy to leave. I wasn't facing what H is actually feeling. I was reading into all those mixed signals, thinking, praying and hoping what I was doing was making a difference. Yesterday I realized the truth and it was like being run over by an 18 wheeler.
I do work Mishka. Luckily I love my job but unfortunately the legislature just passed decreasing all State worker's salaries by 2.5% effective today. It's like the cherry on top of the cake.
When it rains, it pours and I'm drenched.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
If you're not feeling on top of your game, then you don't need to make any big decisions right now. When he asks you stuff like that, just say "I have a lot of decisions to make," which simultaneously buys you some time, and also shows that YOU are in control -- not him.
btw, big KUDOS to you for turning him down for sex. What an insult!!!
Was away from my computer today. Just cheking on you. Looks like Puppy, as usual, has given you some great guidance. I am soooo thankful for these boards and people like him.
I think you handled oyurself very well. Even as a man, I have to tell you I am pretty shocked your H approached you for ML! You have to be kidding! You did the right thing.
Hang in there. You are doing great with a very difficult situation.
I hate him, i really do hate him right now. He is the most selfish, arrogant, self-righteous SOB. I don't know how to handle this sitch. This is tearing me apart
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
I hate him, i really do hate him right now. He is the most selfish, arrogant, self-righteous SOB. I don't know how to handle this sitch. This is tearing me apart
Ashlee, these feeling are totally understandable. And you have to allow yourself to feel them.
The key is to not ACT on them (other than a vent on here, or a good cry by yourself). So long as your DECISION-MAKING doesn't come from your emotions, they are fine, and -- in fact -- healthy.
I hate him, i really do hate him right now. He is the most selfish, arrogant, self-righteous SOB. I don't know how to handle this sitch. This is tearing me apart
I understand. Now is not a good time for you to make any decisions.. Understandably, you are ancry, and it sounds like, still hurting. Anger and sadness go hand in hand with this type sitch.
What are your plans for the holiday weekend? You probably need to have some YOU time or YOU and KID time.
Again, focus on you, not what H says/does. ased on his past behavior, you know how he is going to act. How it affects you is something you can control.
Pardon the hijack Ash, but Puppy, could you drop by my thread? Had a bit of a scare last night - documents were out to sell the house. No discussion about them though.
Thanks you two. My parents are driving my son home from SC today due to BIL's death. Last night H said he didn't want to be here when they came, as they are staying overnight. Today he said he was going to his parent's house to be with his family. I said ok, you won't need to be here when Mom and Dad are here, I know you don't want to see them (or have them confront him). A few minutes later he comes in the bedroom yelling that he's pissed off cause that is not the reason he is going to his parents, it's because his brother just died and he wants to be with his family and he doesn't appreciate me saying that. I told him he's not talking to me so I really don't know what's going on. I tried to say I understand he wants to go to his parents but he's not listening.
I don't know. I'm mad, hurt, angry, sad...everything. I tried to think of a DBing statement (to say to H) but it's really hard right now.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
The detachment will keep you and your son from being pulled down with him.