Trying to detach from the madness!

[Startingover2]

I just went and unsent it...Your right she will never get it. She stayed with thier father for years until he died. He was a raging alcoholic who was mean, angry, abusive and i believe is part of the reason exh and the other kids are the way they are.

[dmkdmkdmk]

My MIL is at the very least narcissistic or borderline personality disorder, with a few other diagnoses thrown in for good measure. Not sure which is real, which is to get attention (she's claimed multiple personality disorder).

She's rewritten history so that she's convinced herself she's a good mother. When H and I starte dating, she was selling meth out of her house while H's father was dying in the hospital. She still had a 13yo son living at home. H's dad wanted to leave, but was afraid she'd do something drastic with BIL.

H's dad would tell him over and over, never to get married, and that he wished that he were dead. This is what my H knows about marriage.

My H is turning 30 this year and is responsible for his own choices, but he can't separate his perceptions from his upbringing with our marriage & the stress we were having (just normal, sh*t-happens stuff).

[Startingover2]

I think I am going to lose my mind..nothing is going right these days.

My 20 year old daughter just announced that she is dropping out of college here and moving 2 hours away to live with her boyfriend. She says she will go to school there, but realistically we all know how that goes. Maybe a semester or two, but that will be all. I hate the idea of her living with him. I hate the idea that she will be 2 hours away. I hate the idea of letting her go. I feel she is throwing away her life. He will be supporting the both of them so she will be at his mercy. Not a dang thing that her father or I can do.

[kassie]

Wow, I was here last night and missed all the excitement.

Sorry about your d's change of plans. You know my s dropped out this year, in his senior year, and it broke my heart. I don't understand the problem but I have to let him figure things out for himself. It sort of runs on both sides of the family to not do things the normal way.

About the other stuff! What were you thinking?!

You knew his mother will never feel the way you do - she made different choices from you. Just be glad -yes glad- that you are not her!

Sounds like she justifies her choices even if she knows they are wrong and if you try to point it out - it gives her a soap box to preach from.

I will tell you that my separation would have been one year earlier and saved me and the kids a lot of turmoil and chaos if I had not talked to the church. I wasn't so tied to it, but we had been attending off and on - things had gotten so bad that I had started to file for D- the day before signing papers to put them through I asked for a counseling session. I was told it was wrong to D, though the minister admitted to feeling bad for saying this given what I was going through with H's drinking.

I don't know if H would have gotten sober sooner or not, but I know that I would have minus one year's worth of bad memories.

Like it or not, you did what you needed to do, now you have to stay away from him and the chaotic life he drags around with him. You made a good decision, honor it by moving forward now.

Or, do I have go through all that mushy stuff again with you to remind you how strong and wonderful you are.

Hope this helps.

[Startingover2]

Thanks Kass...

I barely slept last night. When I did sleep I had a dream that exh was getting married! I was at his wedding with baby and standing at the back watching him. He looked so happy and his family and friends were so supportive. Then after he came and took baby and I saw his wedding ring on.

I am super down. So sad about my daughter. Both her dad and I think she is making a huge mistake, but what can we say? Shes 20. I am hoping she will reconsider in the next few weeks before she is supposed to leave. All she sees now is hearts and flowers. She is throwing her life away.

Selfishly, she is my best friend. She has been the one who has been consistently here and helping me when I needed help with exh. Her and baby are so close and that saddens me as they won't be if she leaves. Again, selfishly the next 6 months are going to be tough with exh and most likely a court battle and I feel so alone without d. I know its not her job to take care of me, but we have become so close. I also know they need to spread thier wings and fly, but I was hoping she would finish school, have her career before she did this.

I feel like I am slowly losing everything important to me.

[blindsided1]

Hey SO2,
I'm sorry to hear about the new turn of events. Your daughter is moving away...I know that's hard. But, you don't know what life will bring. She may not like being away from you and baby, either. She may just come home. So, for now, just roll with it.

The court stuff with H...that's gonna be a bit of a struggle...especially emotionally. But, I definitely think you are going to prevail.

The dreams.....they suck. I have those kinds of dreams, too. But, take it for what it is. You're not a psychic. So, it doesn't mean they are coming true. It's probably just due to the way you are perceiving the sitch and what you worry about.

Hang in there. You're gonna be fine. F-I-N-E

[kassie]

Before my H turned around, I was looking to downsize my home, and imagining my son moving out and d going away to school. I felt all was losing... it has been me and my kids as a unit for years before I met H, even when exh was with us, so the idea was unthinkable for me. But in my heart I knew that I raised them to be independent and with the expectations that they would move forward. With the support of this forum,I was beginning to formulate a plan to move forward, please use the help here to do that. As you posted on my thread, whether or not things work out in my M, you knew I would be ok - give yourself the same gift.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

oh SO2, we are all here for you. this has to be tough.

as for MIL. you know you can't say anything bad because she will only go into defense mode. she is definitely in denial, and I'm sure H only shows her the good sides of his view point and of course she believes him. He's probably told her all the aweful things that the OW's H does and that he's an aweful H and to the kids and he's being the rescuer. I half would want you to send the email, and half not. I would almost want to email her and say, you know I am so sorry that you had to go thru your marriage with someone who was disrespectful to you and abused the marriage. At what point in the marriage did he finally turn around then? (I'm under the assumtion that he didn't--is he still alive?) I would be really upset, but of course she probably won't get it. she is in such denial.

on your D, I'm really sorry. when I found out my sis was doing that, to a boy she knew for 1 month I couldn't even look or talk to her for a long time. We all knew what would happen. and it did, she got pregnant in a month. I only say that because you need to be prepared. Somehow can you and her just go out together alone and just have a really good conversation? I'm not sure that anything you say will make her change her mind, but maybe start with asking questions, not telling her what she should do, but just really listen to what she is wanting out of life and how moving in with this guy is going to give it to her.

just hang in there, satan is trying to break you, don't let him steal your happiness.

[Startingover2]

Thanks guys...Its always something. I don't remember issues of this magnitude when I was married the first time and had small children. I mean, we had problems come up here and there but never like this. I feel like I am chronically dealing with something emotional all the time.

My D hasn't said a word since then. Her dad and I said our peace and we are hoping she takes it to heart. Going to drop it for now with her until we hear more. Hard to say with her. She might just act like things are ok until she is ready to leave then drop another bomb. Hard to say. I am praying she changes her mind.

Exh came for his visit yesterday and stayed a whole hour! Hasn't done that in months. Baby wanted me in sight so I stayed around. We had fun. It was another moment that pulled on my heart strings. I was very pleasant and nice. Not overkill, but civil. Married gf sounds super aggressive and I know he will hate that eventually. He was always trying to keep the peace between first exw and me. We only had a few issues in the very beginning, but he hated conflict. I want to let married gf crash and burn. Exh sent some friendly texts after he left telling me random stuff that is not baby related. I just gave simple answers. Then got a goodnight text late last night. Haven't gotten one of those in awhile.

My d came home from work last night and said that at closing (she works at a drive thru coffee place) married gf came in. D said the sign was off and d was cleaning. Married gf was rude and asked for some drink and d said they were closed. Married gf got sorta rude and d shut the window. Married gf drove away like a bat outta he**. That is one thing...that woman drives so flippin fast. I know she came in on purpose. She knows my D's car. She probably wanted to stir the crap. My d said she was really harsh looking and not attractive at all. She even said its so not exh's type. OW was...I was...exw was. But this girl reminded her of a witch. Scraggly hair, bony face. I still think she is giving him things he wants whether its money or pills or whatever.

[kassie]

So what are your plans for the weekend? Any fireworks that are legal? and not at your place.! LOL!