Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2!

[BigJohn]

Hey Kittyfish, great to hear from you!

First of all, I broached the subject of a separation- which he refused.

My W mentioned trial separation also around late March-early April, but only after having a discussion with our/my therapist. My response was that I felt a trial separation was basically just a prelude to divorce- essentially an "open" marriage and an opportunity to further "test drive" the R with the OM. W responded back "Yeah, I'd rather just do the D." Right now, we are "emotionally separated" living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed.

He went from not even sitting by me to wanting to be right beside me all the time. He wanted to talk relationship 24/7.

Wow, I haven't been that bad. I respected my W's physical space early on and the R talks have diminished significantly since March-April.

I finally said, "No, you won't give me any space to work through this in my mind- so I want a divorce"

Another mistake on his part. This is what is so frustrating to me because I HAVE given my W "space" to "think things through" only to find that she has used the time to only reinforce her feelings about leaving/divorcing. Of course, her continued refusal to give up all contact with OM definitely changes the dynamics of the situation.

He probably could have tried to show me he changed and wanted me back but he really didn't try.

I have told my W repeatedly (while in pursuit mode) that I DO want her back. I have already made significant changes and continue to improve. Despite this, my W continues to maintain the attitude that she does not care if I change or not because she is "done". Her attitude is very passive-aggressive in nature towards me and only when she drops the "wall" does she express genuine feelings of sadness/fear/anxiety about what is going on with us. When she does drop the "wall" she tells me that she feels significant anxiety about working on our M while the R with the OM "just feels right".

The OM is very clearly actively coaching and directing my W- for example, my W disclosed to me that he was "very happy" and "proud" of her when she told him of her decision/plan to eventually divorce. It is becoming increasingly clear to me that my W's relationship with OM is VERY co-dependent and that OM is very controlling of my W in his own passive-aggressive way. OM may also have issues of his own- I can't put my (middle) finger on it- maybe bipolar?

I'm trying to detach as best I can but it makes it tough the more I'm starting to discern about how sick my W's relationship with OM is (or may be). I'm beginning to wonder if detaching and giving her "space" is really the right approach given the circumstances. With my W demonstrating how weak she is towards the OM, I'm starting to feel like I may be giving up ground to the OM with my W by detaching (and thereby demonstrating no resistance). I'm concerned that in her current condition, my W may interpret my detaching as me giving up on her or not caring about her (like she think OM does). Your thoughts Kittyfish? (Sandi, feel free to comment as well.)