No problem with a hijack. Post whatever you want. I read it all. I'm sorry you are stressed right now. I can't imagine you are looking forward to tomorrow. Its sad that he is staying in that R just because he feels like he can't fail again. I'm sure he is in for a miserable life if that is the only reason he is in it.
Maybe he is starting to realize how good he had it with you and maybe he will wake up and come back. Never know.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I dont want him back - not like this. I have grown too much and he has not and he openly admitted that to me y'day. How lazy he was with us, his career and trying to find soloutions.
I am not being mean, just truthful. He is so torn up inside because I wont be his friend or his second choice. I still find it terribly odd he turns to me for big, important life issues and problems and not his GF. But I cant be there for him anymore under these circumstances. Sorry to ramble, I am *so* stressed right now its not even funny. I feel like my chest might explode but I am going to work hard to remain even. And trust me, that is a tall order to fill right now.
Then he tells me that the past 13 yrs meant more to him than I will ever know. Ok. Whatever. I know that sounds mean but I feel kind of mean right now.
CG, the past 13 years probably did mean more to him than you know. But he feels like he failed which and doesn't want to again which is why he won't leave OW come hell or high water. He has some issues to work through that will keep him from enjoying his life until he does.
I'm sure he regrets what he did but his pride or fear of failing in his mind is keeping him from trying to reconcile the past. Thats just my guess. Which like you say is a sign he still hasn't grown.
What I can't get past is my W keeps telling me there has been to much irrepairable damage done even if I have turned things around. I can never get past that line.
I don't say anything though. It just seems like such a cop out kind of line. She hasn't tried counseling or anything that could help. Half the time I believe that line is just an excuse so she can be with OM because she knows I have no defense against that line.
I grow so tired of hearing that line when I don't fully believe it because I know there are so many resources available and I have seen others in far worse conditions come back and be strong and work on saving things.
I will probably get blasted for this. But its just a frusturating issue to keep hearing.
W told me earlier on that she probably won't be able to trust another man for a long time, all the while sleeping with OM. I guess that is why sometimes I feel like it is just a cop out or excuse so she can be with who she wants.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Today is getting tough. I'm focusing to much on W again. I'm missing her today. I guess some days are better than others. Its probably because I had to go by her house and see her this morning to sign some papers for D11. Its always hard right after I see her.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
CG, the past 13 years probably did mean more to him than you know. But he feels like he failed which and doesn't want to again which is why he won't leave OW come hell or high water. He has some issues to work through that will keep him from enjoying his life until he does.
I'm sure he regrets what he did but his pride or fear of failing in his mind is keeping him from trying to reconcile the past. Thats just my guess. Which like you say is a sign he still hasn't grown.
What I can't get past is my W keeps telling me there has been to much irrepairable damage done even if I have turned things around. I can never get past that line.
What exactly have you turned around? Other than a few months of sobriety, what is different with you? You have to admit, not much that she can see. Heck, I can't see much movement in you at all. I mean, sometimes I think you are being sarcastic...are you being sincere?
I don't say anything though. SINCE WHEN???
It just seems like such a cop out kind of line. She hasn't tried counseling or anything that could help. Half the time I believe that line is just an excuse so she can be with OM because she knows I have no defense against that line.
She hasn't tried c? OMG!! You have not either!! Oh wait, you went once or twice and you were smug and doubtful about it at first. Maybe you still are... You have tried next to nothing to do things differently...what's that phrase again? Oh yeah, 'the kettle calling the pot black'...
I grow so tired of hearing that line when I don't fully believe it because I know there are so many resources available and I have seen others in far worse conditions come back and be strong and work on saving things.
..."....so many resources available" !! OMG!...yes Kevin, the same ones WE told YOU about in late February and early March that you are NOW availing yourself of, sort of....and you know why you'll get "blasted for this' is b/c you are a hypocrite to the extreme. As for The "mystery" and unreasonableness of your w's behavior...look in the mirror and ask yourself why...I mean, YOU have people advising you of what to do and how, and she doesn't. YET you just began doing a few of these things and barely doing them, b/c I'm not sure how much you are really putting into it -- AND you are the one who wants to save the M!! She isn't, yet you expect more of her than of yourself...(is that a pattern??)
I will probably get blasted for this. But its just a frusturating issue to keep hearing.
"just a frustrating issue to keep hearing...." YEAH, WE KNOW....
W told me earlier on that she probably won't be able to trust another man for a long time, all the while sleeping with OM. I guess that is why sometimes I feel like it is just a cop out or excuse so she can be with who she wants.
Kevin
Speaking of cop outs...how are your d's doing today? j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I don't know how my kids are today. They are at the rec center and I am at work and W is at home feeling sick. The girls were doing great this morning.
Yes, I realize how long it took me to do anything and I am doing it.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
May I suggest you no longer say "The thing(S) I can't get past is..." b/c you CAN get past it if you choose to.
And what choice do you have really? It all boils down to how you want to spend the rest of your life and what attitude you'll adopt as your own. If you are truly unable to be happy on your own, get help to learn how. That's basic life skills...
And if you really DO know how but don't want to do the work (which you need to do either way NO matter what happens in your sitch--do you see that? Even if by some miracle she came back, YOU would have to do work on YOU...do you get that?? )
I mean there is NO easy way out of this but through it. Learning to detach and make oneself happy....you gotta do that.
Stop blaming her or venting about how she won't try, and stop worrying about her or whether she is a good mom or a good person or whatever....just GET PAST HER....and back to working on you....
Don't take the focus off your kids' well being, and improving yourself as a father and man. That's plenty to deal with. Don't borrow misery by taking responsibility for HER....take responsibility for YOUR LIFE b/c no one else is taking responsibility for your life....(Tyra Banks said that, and it's a good thing to recall).
The rest will happen and the cards will fall as they do. Stop forgetting about God as well. The whole faith thing you repeat out loud, and forget....hold onto it. How's the reading going? The job? The c? The meetings??? THE hard work comes when you DO what they talk about...that's what is hard, not just attending the meetings.
You have to work the program for the program to work.
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I find your criticisms of her baffling and unfair. You say you love her but never say why, and that you NEED her and blah blah blah...we get it. You can't be alone with yourself but feel qualified to judge her constantly and with a negative outlook.
If she's such a loser, why do you need her around? Oh, so you can focus on her faults? Isn't that part of what got you here in the first place?
Other than her looks, you have never told us a single good thing about HER...(well we know how YOU FEEL AROUND HER but that's not about her, it's about you...and your perception of what YOU need)...not HER as a woman or person...
So either you don't love her, or you love to blame her and either way, it's crazy to continue like this.
Work on yourself and helping your kids. That's it.
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
