Yes, Alex, she has been controlling. Eventually it killed me and left me depressed and in a SstarvedMarriage. DBing is really about repairing me.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Any more votes on dropping out of the vacation before I hit the send button?
Last edited by orangedog; 07/01/0907:45 PM.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Here's my proposed response. It's pretty strong so I'll wait a bit before I hit the send.
"OMG this is horrible..."
No, but it's not enjoyable. What are doing? To our marriage, our family, finances, futures and why are we doing this again? This is supposed to be "Better"?
"How the kids are doing..."
Indeed, how are they doing? Yes, things were going easy at first but the novelty is wearing off and it's starting to sink in. Both of them are reacting. Do they know this is headed for divorce? This is a long term thing. How will they be doing in five, ten, twenty years?
"I wanted to see if I regreted the decision and felt like I just had to have you back as a husband. So far, I don't feel like I've made a horrible mistake."
It's only been a short while. We're supposed to be working on things for a while, remember? I felt a little relieved to be away from you at first too. But how will it be in six months, one year, five years, ten years?
"Kids and temporary."
I'm not misleading them either way but I don't believe divorce is the best thing for the family, it's not my choice, and I won't say it is. I'll stay quiet. This is your choice and you need to be accountable for your actions. If you believe this is not temporary then you tell them.
"You should tell him that you like living in your own house, and you love it when they come to stay with you, and its great that from now on they have 2 houses."
How about I tell them I like my house, I love it when we are together but really want to be a family again?
"I don't want to sit down with the kids again and say "we're getting divorced" ... its too traumatic."
Yeah, but it's going to have to happen if it going to happen. Once again you need to be accountable for your actions.
"but I don't want to be misleading and we need to be on the same page as far as what the kids are hearing. I am VERY happy that we are able to continue to get along as a family for the kids as I'm sure it makes things way better for them."
Yeah, I want to be a great dad too. But it seems you want to get along as a family but not be a family. You want to have it both ways. You want me in your life but you don't. How is this going to work when we are divorced? It must be very confusing to the kids.
"I hope this doesn't make things awkward for Vacation"
I have plenty of things I can do over the week of the Fourth. I was looking forward to the time with the family and willing to really help you out but why am I doing that? I'm going to take a time out on this one.
---
I know you're probably very angry right now at what I've written. But I want to make my position clear; I want to be a great husband and a great dad but if divorce is your choice then you need to tell them. Don't ask me to compromise who I am. I saw a clip of "Cosby" yesterday and thought, "that's the kind of husband and father I want to be". I will continue my work.
Last edited by orangedog; 07/01/0908:19 PM.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I'd wait for others to chime in, but I think I would eliminate the following as the rest is strong enough on its own. Also not sure about adding the 25 year study. It did no good in my case... The WAW is sure their kids will be the exception...
Originally Posted By: orangedog
...Do they know this is headed for divorce? This is a long term thing. How will they be doing in five, ten, twenty years?
"I wanted to see if I regreted the decision and felt like I just had to have you back as a husband. So far, I don't feel like I've made a horrible mistake."
It's only been a short while. We're supposed to be working on things for a while, remember? I felt a little relieved to be away from you at first too. But how will it be in six months, one year, five years, ten years?
I know you're probably very angry right now at what I've written. But...
So, that's what I'd eliminate... My 2 cents...
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
I would not comment on how she feels. You can validate how she feels and let her know how you feel and observations/comments from the kids. Don't try to convince her with facts, logic doesn't change feelings (so no link to divorce stats on kids).
Make sure you are not doing this because of how you are feeling right now. I agree with Alex, that note reeked of trying to control the sitch. People who try to control are usually very insecure inside (that's why detaching is so hard during a time when you are crushed inside). Get your emotions under control, re-read and rewrite. Make sure you can articulate why you are not going to go on the vacation. Do you have to send a response right now? Listen carefully for her trying to tell you - how you are/think/feel/believe in response. You not getting pushed around is a challenge to her "control" so be prepared. Know the boundary are don't let her cross it. It's healthy for both of you and she will respect you for it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Here's what I sent. Harsh but it needs to be said.
"your agenda is that this is short term"
Not agreed. My "agenda" is "to be the best me I can be and be prepared for anything".
-
"OMG this is horrible..."
No, but it's not enjoyable. What are we doing? To our marriage, our family, finances, futures and why are we doing this? This is supposed to be "better"?
-
"How the kids are doing..."
Indeed, how are they doing? Yes, things were going easy at first but the novelty is wearing off and reality is starting to sink in. Both of them are acting out.
-
"re Kids and temporary."
I'm not misleading them either way but I don't believe divorce is the best thing for the family and I won't say it is. If you believe this situation is not temporary then you tell them. You need to be accountable for your actions.
-
"You should tell him that you like living in your own house, and you love it when they come to stay with you, and its great that from now on they have 2 houses."
It's not great that we have two houses and I won't say it is. It's not great that your best friend has moved in and totally taken over the place and I won't say it is. How about I tell them I like my house, I love it when we are together, but really want to be a family again?
-
"I don't want to sit down with the kids again and say "we're getting divorced" ... its too traumatic."
Yeah, but it's going to have to happen if it going to happen. This is real and you're pushing for it. Once again you need to be accountable for your actions.
-
"but I don't want to be misleading and we need to be on the same page as far as what the kids are hearing. I am VERY happy that we are able to continue to get along as a family for the kids as I'm sure it makes things way better for them."
Yeah, I want to be a great dad too. But it seems you want to get along as a family but not be a family. You want me in your life but you don't. You want it both ways. How is this going to work when we are divorced? It's confusing for me right now. It must be very confusing to the kids.
-
I want to be a great husband, a great dad, and I'm willing to work with you should you decide to do the work, but don't ask me to advocate your position should you chose divorce. I won't compromise myself.
Part of my work is "running my own game" and not constantly seeking someone else's approval. It killed me, made you feel bad, and drained the life out of our relationship. Like I said in the previous email, the old dynamic is dead and I won't go back to it.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I left out the trip part but I have to take the dog to the kennel in a few hours. Plane leaves tonight. I feel like she's got to own this thing.
Last edited by orangedog; 07/01/0910:22 PM.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Not going. She called me and said she doesn't want to have these conversations right now and things would be awkward. Told her that was fine because I didn't want to go either.
She said she's not ready in any sense to get into heavy talks or therapy about reconciliation. Maybe sometime but not now. I told her, I know that, but I didn't want her to incorrectly assume the topic was off the table. I am quiet lately because I was giving her space just as she asked and using the time for myself. Don't read my mind and tell me I'm not interested.
She especially didn't like the thing about how I said if it's her decision to divorce she has to own it. She doesn't want to look like the bad guy. She said that's not good for the kids. I told her I agreed with that much (too heavy for the kids) and I'd stay quiet but I would stop short of advocating her position.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I'm going really dark for a while. And as Coach suggests I'm not going to do the family events. She can't have it both ways. If anyone else has ideas let me know (how about totally forgetting about her for a while?)
Damn hindsight: Just as robx predicted, she would be all nice until move out time then would turn bad. I thought it would be different for me.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
