Separated for 3 weeks now

[LitlHopeAlwys]

What are the simple questions that I need to answer? I have read DB and trying to get a life without depending on her for happiness. I struggle every day with inner conflicts of how to approach the situation. Do I sit back take care of myself and see if she notices? I really want to the save the marriage and know I need to change myself. How will she notice that I am changing when I don't even speak or see her? I believe she is in an emotional/physical relationship with OP and I am not confronting her about it. I am just taking one day at a time. Any help would be appreciated.

You will feel like you are on a roller coaster of emotions. GAL, and PMA are very important. Enjoy the ride, sit back and take care of yourself? Sort of - You do have to take care of yourself and detatch - there is an excellent post about it here - Detatching.
Your W will notice the changes that you make in yourself with out you speaking to her. Don't try to point them out, she will notice every little change, you will be surprised by how observant of you she is.

[P Cater]

What change will I be making without speaking to her? Can someone expand this?

[K4D]

P Cater,

Listen to 25 and do what she tells you and answer her questions. She is magnificent. She can really give you insight like you wouldn't believe. Trust me on this.

If you will just answer her and do what she says, you will be so much better off for it. She should really be an author as she has so much to offer.

She knows what she is talking about. But the actions have to come from you or it is pointless for her to talk and you have no idea the resource you will be wasting by not listening and acting one what she says.

Kevin

[P Cater]

I have been married for almost 10 years known her 12. I have been taking anti-depressants for about a month now. I constantly drank all the time and was basically in my own world. My wife stated that I paid attention to my daughter on my time not hers. I have been in counseling for about a month now and marriage counseling about two months but my wife stated she would not go back until she saw some changes from me. I realize I am unhappy and need to change. She has mentioned about my behavior for several years and I was too stubborn to do anything about it. I would let alcohol handle the emotions of my situation instead of going to marriage counseling. I hope she gives me another chance to show I can change.

[Ready2Change]

Hi,

You sound like you know what you need to do. All the books and information I have read point to the same things:

1) I need to be happy (alone or with someone). I need to do things that make me happy. I can not put my happiness into someone elses hands. So I do things that make me happy.

2) Feel my feelings. Understand and trust my feelings. I chose when I drink. Alcohol just numbs the feelings that will come out later anyways, so I limit my drinking to FUN times. Things will TRIGGER Stuffed feelings and it is possible to over react. I am now very aware of this.

3) Forgiveness is a very powerful tool for healing. The more I forgive everything that I feel some has done to ME, the better I feel. (The radical forgiveness book is great)


Anyways, keep up the good work. Keep working on YOU. You have full control of your thoughts words and actions. Positive changes WILL be noticed by spouse.

[P Cater]

How will my wife notice that I am changing when I do not speak to her at all? Is it because I am giving her space and she can do whatever she wants.

[volleydog]

How will my wife notice that I am changing when I do not speak to her at all?

This is your problem, the changes aren't for her there for YOU. If you are only changing to fix your M, you'll just go back to the same person you were if you W comes back.

Understand there is NOTHING you can do to change your W, NOTHING. She has to want to change, just like you.

[P Cater]

How long does it take for divorce papers to get drawn up? I have been separated from my wife for over a month now. I just do not what she is thinking.

[LitlHopeAlwys]

How will my wife notice that I am changing when I do not speak to her at all?

This is your problem, the changes aren't for her there for YOU. If you are only changing to fix your M, you'll just go back to the same person you were if you W comes back.

Understand there is NOTHING you can do to change your W, NOTHING. She has to want to change, just like you.

Volleydog is right. You have to change you for YOU, if you are just changing for the M, those changes won't stick when your W comes back, and you'll end up right to where you were.

You have to get it through your mind - you cannot control what your W thinks or does. You only have control over YOU. You change she will notice, as if you are under a microscope she will pick up on the smallest changes. It doesn't matter if you are talking\living together or not. Do you think that by talking to her that you can tell her that you changed? It doesn't work that way, she has to see those changes, and they have to be consistent changes. Not just changes for 2 weeks and then back to the way it was before, yes they will notice and they do observe everything.

[Ready2Change]

Lawyers charge by the hour. and they like money.

After I was served, there was a 90 day waiting period. Each state has different laws. Educate yourself on the divorce process for your state.

I walked two paths during my process. Hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. Keep working on positive improvements to YOU, while facing your fears (Divorce). What you resist, persist. Do not resist the divorce process. Embracing it is the best way to help prevent it........

I just keep this thought in my head "I just want my wife to be happy." If she believe D will make her happy, I will not stand in her way. I am only in control of my own happiness. I am not going to put my happiness in her hands......"