Amazingly..it has been a quiet week. Again, STBXW seems happy...chipper...and sometimes I feel stuck...not in the 'whoa is me' or the 'I want my wife/life back'...but the I wish I could just extricate myself more quickly from this quagmire.
Even registering my D6 for fall soccer...a standard thing for her..same camp...nothing new...becomes a 'how dare you register her without talking to me' etc. This, even after telling her to discuss a musical instrument with S8 and also asking she discuss with S8 what he wants to play sportswise in the fall since he was up in the air about it. I can't win even when I try, still, to coparent.
D6 is coming around. I went into her room early this am before leaving for work to give her a kiss goodbye. She threw her arms around me, told me she loves me and she 'isn't letting go.' I love her so much.
So, in 2 weeks a hearing....next month another court date. This drags on...and on...and on.....
The system is totally broken here in the State of NY. Totally. Never in a million years did I think that my sitch would be up there for one of the worst. It's torture but I am trying to make the best of things.
Although I would love to meet another woman and share intimacy again....I continue focused on my children.
Thanks for all your support.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Hi Frank - I finished up last week with the final details of my D and got my retainer back. It is indeed a huge relief and I cant wait to hear when you feel that too. The not knowing what is going to go down has to be the worst for you now.
Meeting another woman to share intimacy again is nice, however, keep in mind that dating and new relationships have their own challenges and uncertainties. I am now faced with having to break up with the lady I have been seeing as it is just not going to work out for the kids and I.
(K, how'd you decide that she won't work out with the kids? Just curious....but in total agreement if the OP isn't a fit...they're outta there...to digress for yet another minute.--years ago I was doing legal assistance when a 30 y/o woman came in for some adoption/remarriage issues and let slip, as an aside, that her new fiancee was "going to be a great h except the kids don't get along with him, but that's okay b/c ....blah blah blah" and I stopped her then and there and said, "Wth? How is a guy a "great H" if he doesn't get along with the kids? The two go hand in hand and she hemmed and hawed. What she meant, I THINK, is "he makes a good living and MY/our standard of living will go up and my loneliness is of paramount importance to me and maybe no one else will want me later, so I better grab ths loser while he likes me....and besides....(drum roll please..) KIDS ARE RESILIENT!!" She left my office without the advice she had come in for...oh well.
FIB, back to you...
Can we say we're down to 90 days or less of this? Can you suck it up with CPS and hope to God you get one of the ones who ARE concerned with the kids and not predisposed against "powerful educated (read, "well") men"? God I hope so. I hope they can see what we see in you but tell me now, how on earth does your W ever pull off the perfect W routine LATELY? Does she address the A's with anyone? I know I know, NOT the kids..but the CPS and other people involved in the kids treatments, aren't "OP" relevant as they MAY relate to your children's welfare? Can you get an agreement that is enforceable, that does Not allow for the kids to "meet new friends" of the opposite sex for year or at least 6 months and put some teeth into the provision?
Hey FIB, I'm NOT a NY L so dont' let me undermine your L as I'm just tossing out ideas I like for my folks to have.
As for dating others....a mixed bag I am sure. There will be a few who we OUGHT to write about so we can keep our senses of humor. I was asked out by someone I met at a party and I declined but before doing so, here are the three (3) faux pas or Freudian slips he made in front of me. First he used the word "IMPOTENT" instead of important...which I caught and thought he was kidding about. He also said, "orgasm" instead of "organic"...( I swear) and towards the end of the evening just before asking me to go out with him though he knew I was still married, he said, 'A lot of women won't go out with me b/c of the housing issues and money but I think you care about what's inside a man...."
Okay....I HAD to ask, "what housing issue?" and he said, "I house sit with some other guys in Hollywood & share a room..." and "I work when I want to..." (Translation, "I am on welfare..."....alrighty then)
In TIME FIB, you'll meet someone who enjoys your company. You'll make her laugh and she'll make you laugh. You'll see her do something thoughtful without an audience. You will respect AND trust her as she will you...in time. Chances are she will have once been wounded too. But don't they say that there are some wounds that make you stronger, once healed properly?
So really that's your task. To heal properly, to care for your children, and move forward. God has a plan for you and some of it has already come to bear fruit that you can only partially see FIB.
You know you've made a difference to others and that gives you a little pat on the back. The rest of His plan is about to unfold, as you finish this last most grueling lap uphill.
You will see the top of that hill, you will look at how far you've come, who you once were and who you've become - and you will KNOW that the next woman who comes into your heart for real, and for good, will get the BEST FIB ever. You will love & be loved again and it will surpass what you had before.
We all wish this for you and we BELIEVE it.
Just get through this, take care of the kids, don't rush through the "transitions dating" series....(those poor souls who are in the right place at the wrong time) and come out to the other side with your dignity and wallet still intact...
I'm too tired to say anymore and God knows I've babbled enough...just--Keep us posted!! TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!
xoxoxo, (((( j ))))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Good one 25 - I hope you did not point out his obvious problems so he could disguise it for the next unsuspecting gal he hits on.
What I meant about not working out with the kids is that my kids are tormented by her daughter who is highly energetic (possibly ADHD) and not very well disciplined. My kids have expressed their fear that they would someday live with us. On top of that, I just have not developed deep romantic feelings to this lady I have been seeing.
It is a very good bet that FIB will someday meet someone else that has been wounded in a prior relationship.
>> Although I would love to meet another woman and share intimacy again....I continue focused on my children.
That's the sensible/responsible/honorable thing to do. Why get yourself in more trouble even before you can get out of the mess you're in already? While you can't control what the WA does and continues to do, I see many LBH's get into dating and sexual intimacy far too quickly than is good for them or the kids. There seems to be this trend that finding someone else to get involved with is the way to happiness; it seems to be a rush for a while then reality hits - different values, family background, kids, etc.
That's the sensible/responsible/honorable thing to do. Why get yourself in more trouble even before you can get out of the mess you're in already? While you can't control what the WA does and continues to do, I see many LBH's get into dating and sexual intimacy far too quickly than is good for them or the kids. There seems to be this trend that finding someone else to get involved with is the way to happiness; it seems to be a rush for a while then reality hits - different values, family background, kids, etc.
What's wrong with looking for someone that can "add" to your happiness after months and months of loneliness and rejection? And why a new person means "trouble" fb2? No one needs to go ahead and marry quickly, or assume they found their other half (or whole according to healthy perspectives)...
Sure things need to be "stable and normal" when you enter a new relationship and that is only to make sure you do justice to the other person involved and can give also and not only take, but I dont think life will wait for any of us and no one that I can recall here, expressed their intentions to become monk or stay celibate for ever.
If the people here are not able to have a relationship after a divorce or a R failing, then...DBing is crap. We should be able to have BETTER and "easier", more fullfilling relationships, not give up and hide in our caves.
In everything there must be balance and limit. Including loneliness. I for one, am fed up with this whole "stay alone, celibate and miserable until ..." when exactly, by the way? If anyone feels like going ahead and dating , I say go ahead and date. Kids dont have to know until is time for them to know.
Come on people, we are not dead or sick or with low morals when we crave for someone to love and to be loved by. We are just humans and need affection. Enough with this honorable BS that hide fear and shuttered hearts. Let's call it what it is.
FIB, I can see why you wouldnt have the energy to date now, but that should be the only reason not to at the moment. You are a great man and DESERVE to feel loved and have someone by your side. I know what you mean about focusing on your kids, very well so since my focus on the kids ruled my decisions so far a lot, but being a father shouldnt mean staying alone. Remember what they say: "kids look up to us and we teach them by the way we lead our lives". They need to see us creating happy lives again, especially after a huge blow as a painful divorce. Take it easy and go with the flow. You know better than any of us when you can be an equal part of a relationship, I am sure you will have no problems finding the other part if you want to.
I couldn't agree more with you Kalni. I think once all this legal donkey dooh daah is over for FIB that he will regain the desire to get out and meet some nice ladies. And he has an advantage in that he lives in probably the mecca of dating in America - New York City.
FIB, if things aren't working out when dating, just try to do the opposite:
