What's it really all about?

[AlexEN]

Greek,

I like the way you make me think...

We must be sisters. I come from the same stock. Emotions = scary! I'd rather have physical pain than emotional pain anyday of the week. Have you always known this about her?

You know, I "kinda" always knew this. I used to tease her about how her family get togethers were such serious events and would asked if they ever had laughs around the dinner table because everyone just looked so dour. I looked at it as my "job" to bring some levity to the table; she was always bemused as to how dinner at my family's home could include designing interesting "art" out of the food on our plates, playing with my mom's wind-up toys on the table, and then having some really lively discussions and banter about topical events and how it contrasted to the all work no play atmosphere in her childhood home. But, it's only been during the past year or so that I thought about all of that again in the context of just watching how busy she has made herself in, I think, a subconscious effort to avoid her "feelings" or any discussion that might evoke them, good or bad. I distinctly remember some R conversations where she would start to tear up and I could see her getting visibly uncomfortable. She would excuse herself saying she'd be right back, but never come back, having realized that she had to fold laundry or get dinner going.

All those tears. All those shared feelings. You know, if I'm gone and eternally p!ssed, I'm not crying about anything you write, say, do. I'm gone. And I'm not going to give you a glimpse at my softened side. I wonder why she did that?

I do, too; unless she wants to show me that she does have a softened side, because she so rarely shows emotions. I don't take much from this one way or the other.

They are your little kayaks, so what I think doesn't matter. I just know that when we told our kids about me moving out, Coach made sure I did all the talking. He just didn't contribute at all while I told them. All he said to the kids when I finished was "Do you have any questions for me?" Our daughter did and he answered them matter of factly (logistical questions mostly). Other than that, he put the miserable chore in my lap altogether ~~~ right where it belonged. Grrrrrrrrrrr >-{ but that guy was dead on right to do it! It was part of the lesson he gave me in Reality 101. But you know your children best and what you say GOES in my book. Just some food for thought.

As I said, I don't think they "hear" anything after divorce. I cringe at some of what she wants to say, but I will not "censor" her. I will take to heart your point and cut what I have to say to the quick; but, because I am so concerned that they might otherwise fight their emotions, too (to the extent that trait was handed down from mother to daughter to our children) that I can encourage them not to just forge on if their feelings are telling them something different. Don't know if you know this, but my oldest is bi-polar (and youngest starting to show some of the same behavioral patterns) so to the degree she tries to suppress their feelings or actively discourage them to not blame themselves, as I understand children often do, I feel I do have to give them that message even though this day is of her making...

I don't want to rescue her from the consequences, but I will keep my comments brief. Does that make sense?

Yikes, less than 72 hours away...