I Love You But...

[eternaloptimist]

Just feel the need to post to get my thoughts down and feelings expressed... I'm numb this week and utterly, emotionally exhausted.

I'm really working hard on detaching. I haven't been checking the computer to see what he's been doing and I haven't been reading his email for the past week. All it does is make me upset and hurts me, which leads to conflict, our number one problem. But on Sunday, I slipped and saw two emails. One was from his brother and the other, his Mom. Both of them were really nasty and consisted of horrific character assassinations of me as a Mother to our son. My BIL or MIL never really took the time to know me as a person, much less a Mother. I was so deeply offended that I sobbed for an hour and continue to feel horrific pain over this. I guess I should just consider the source...that these people never spent any time with me and only saw me 2-3 times a year. Even when they would call the house, I'd get a curt "Hello...Is My brother there? and dead silence until I gave H the phone" Nice people, huh? H's family has always been so mean and cold to me and I've never understood why. I tried so many times to reach out to them, be nice and thoughtful, and I was always met with contempt or confusion. Even my H never understood it and used to take my side over everything.

But the attacks on my ability to be a good Mother, they just cut up my soul. Without going into too much detail about my health, I overcame unbelievable odds to have our son. Even my husband gave up hope, but I never did. I lost three pregnancies, including twins, before having our son. I healed myself with weight loss, yoga, meditation, counseling, Chinese herbs, and an organic diet. I beat the odds and we have a beautiful, perfect son. Anyone who knows my story knows that I would lay down my life for my son. Most mothers would. But, I feel that anyone who could question my heart and love for my son doesn't even know me. My H has barely spoken to his brother over the past 2 years b/c they had a falling out (ironically over how depressed H has been and that H was going to ruin his life, my life and our son's life if he didn't get help) and now he's giving him $1000 to move out? Now he's going gunning for me and getting in line to blame me for all of H's unhappiness. It sickens me. I'm sure that H lied to his brother b/c his brother said the "emotional affair" or whatever I'm calling it doesn't matter. That my H didn't do anything wrong. I'm certain that H lied about everything. (Thanks, Puppy!)

All of the little kisses at the door are gone... He doesn't even want to hug me at the door either... He was calling me a few times each day to check on me, see how I'm doing, tell me about his job stresses. Now nothing. He's always in a sour mood. So I guess that means the EA is over, right, Puppy? Doesn't GOOD=BAD and BAD=GOOD as far as that goes?

This week H's supposedly just thinking about signing the lease for the apartment. He says that he doesn't know what he's going to do, that he wants to find something cheaper that will take a dog. I haven't asked him about it at all. In fact, I haven't called him. Last night, I didn't even talk to him b/c he was already in his bedroom when I got home. I've really just been trying to give him space, not talk about the R, not fight, nothing. I've been forthcoming about sharing my tentative weekend plans for the rest of the summer and I know he's mad about that. So even my GALing makes him mad. Arrrggg! Seems like no matter what I do, he gets mad.

Telling our son that H is moving out is going to poison my heart. I don't know how I will live through that moment, seeing our son's life ripped apart. He's a smart, 4-year-old and I just know it is going to crush him. Our son has been acting out recently with provocative communication. So I told H that I wanted to take him to a play therapist to help him and help us work through these difficult times. H did not like that at all, said he didn't need therapy, and didn't want to be involved. When I went ahead and set-up an appt., then H changed his mind. He did the same thing when I said that I wanted to start taking our son to Church and asked if he'd like to go with us. Even my 180s seem to cause conflict.

Ugh....any advice on how to cope with this new phase of things?