I Love You But...

[eternaloptimist]

Just wanting to get some more of my thoughts down here...

You know, I've realized a few things about myself in the past two weeks. My self-confidence and self-esteemed have really been trashed. I didn't realize how badly. I'm so grateful for the DBing b/c it really IS helping me to rebuild my confidence. I've also weeped for the mistakes I've made early on in the marriage that eroded his trust in me. I had one night where I felt like all of this was all of my fault and I cried for a good hour, really sobbed. It was cathartic. I held on to that and honored it and it has helped in some strange way to make me stronger.

Also, since most of our mutual college friends have sided with my H, I also didn't realize how important it would be for me to have another man see how my H's behavior has been so hurtful. I've mostly been talking to girlfriends for support, but not any other guys. When I reached out to one of my H's friends for the past 10 years (not a college buddy), he helped me turn a corner. He was so hurt by what my H has done that he told me that he has nothing more to say to my H. I guess his admonition of what my H has done gave me some self-esteem back. It means a lot to know from another man's perspective that I should not allow myself to be treated like this.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Oh, I'd love your take on this too. He recently told me that he'd "come clean" about his "affair" (still not even acknowledging it was an EA) with the therapist to his friend who is a psychologist. None of his close friends were supposedly even shocked in the slightest. I guess they think he was justified in doing anything he wanted to because he's been so unhappy. No one can see how sick it was or how depressed he is. He also told his Mom about the affair and she had nothing to say. So my H took this to mean that she was ok with it. In all cases of disclosure to friends/family, he says that no one admonished his behavior or thought it was a big deal. So he took that to mean that no one was surprised or upset and that I must have done something pretty awful to him to make him do these things. His ego is amazing, isn't it?

He's lying. He either didn't tell them, or he "spun" it to such an extent that they're not getting the true picture from him.

Ask them -- I'd be SHOCKED if he told them the truth.

This is very much "script" -- the cheating spouse claiming to the betrayed spouse that other people are OK with what they are doing. My wife did it as well (about her parents), and when I asked them, it was 100% b.s.!!!

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

EO, what's going on with you?

Puppy

[eternaloptimist]

Hi, Puppy. Thanks for reaching out.

Lots of crying...sadness...utter sadness. H says he is moving out in the beginning of August. I'm trying to pick up the broken pieces of my life and have been very busy implementing my problem-solving strategies to get my life back on track despite this madness. You should see my 5-page document with goals and strategies! This is what I do best, strategic planning. I asked for a "tenure stay" in my job so that I don't have the stress of trying to publish for the next year and can keep my job. I met with an attorney to get some kind of legal agreement for paying the mortgage, visitation, etc. after H moves out. I bought a security system for the house to address my fears of being alone with my son in this huge house, at the end of the neighborhood with few houses. I made some other goals for myself including wanting to learn how to hang glide, go kayaking. H is wildly amused by these things claiming that in our 21 years together I never once mentioned the hang gliding goal, but I'm just GALing like there is no tomorrow and not letting him pull me into any fights or drama.

How are you doing, Puppy?

[eternaloptimist]

Just feel the need to post to get my thoughts down and feelings expressed... I'm numb this week and utterly, emotionally exhausted.

I'm really working hard on detaching. I haven't been checking the computer to see what he's been doing and I haven't been reading his email for the past week. All it does is make me upset and hurts me, which leads to conflict, our number one problem. But on Sunday, I slipped and saw two emails. One was from his brother and the other, his Mom. Both of them were really nasty and consisted of horrific character assassinations of me as a Mother to our son. My BIL or MIL never really took the time to know me as a person, much less a Mother. I was so deeply offended that I sobbed for an hour and continue to feel horrific pain over this. I guess I should just consider the source...that these people never spent any time with me and only saw me 2-3 times a year. Even when they would call the house, I'd get a curt "Hello...Is My brother there? and dead silence until I gave H the phone" Nice people, huh? H's family has always been so mean and cold to me and I've never understood why. I tried so many times to reach out to them, be nice and thoughtful, and I was always met with contempt or confusion. Even my H never understood it and used to take my side over everything.

But the attacks on my ability to be a good Mother, they just cut up my soul. Without going into too much detail about my health, I overcame unbelievable odds to have our son. Even my husband gave up hope, but I never did. I lost three pregnancies, including twins, before having our son. I healed myself with weight loss, yoga, meditation, counseling, Chinese herbs, and an organic diet. I beat the odds and we have a beautiful, perfect son. Anyone who knows my story knows that I would lay down my life for my son. Most mothers would. But, I feel that anyone who could question my heart and love for my son doesn't even know me. My H has barely spoken to his brother over the past 2 years b/c they had a falling out (ironically over how depressed H has been and that H was going to ruin his life, my life and our son's life if he didn't get help) and now he's giving him $1000 to move out? Now he's going gunning for me and getting in line to blame me for all of H's unhappiness. It sickens me. I'm sure that H lied to his brother b/c his brother said the "emotional affair" or whatever I'm calling it doesn't matter. That my H didn't do anything wrong. I'm certain that H lied about everything. (Thanks, Puppy!)

All of the little kisses at the door are gone... He doesn't even want to hug me at the door either... He was calling me a few times each day to check on me, see how I'm doing, tell me about his job stresses. Now nothing. He's always in a sour mood. So I guess that means the EA is over, right, Puppy? Doesn't GOOD=BAD and BAD=GOOD as far as that goes?

This week H's supposedly just thinking about signing the lease for the apartment. He says that he doesn't know what he's going to do, that he wants to find something cheaper that will take a dog. I haven't asked him about it at all. In fact, I haven't called him. Last night, I didn't even talk to him b/c he was already in his bedroom when I got home. I've really just been trying to give him space, not talk about the R, not fight, nothing. I've been forthcoming about sharing my tentative weekend plans for the rest of the summer and I know he's mad about that. So even my GALing makes him mad. Arrrggg! Seems like no matter what I do, he gets mad.

Telling our son that H is moving out is going to poison my heart. I don't know how I will live through that moment, seeing our son's life ripped apart. He's a smart, 4-year-old and I just know it is going to crush him. Our son has been acting out recently with provocative communication. So I told H that I wanted to take him to a play therapist to help him and help us work through these difficult times. H did not like that at all, said he didn't need therapy, and didn't want to be involved. When I went ahead and set-up an appt., then H changed his mind. He did the same thing when I said that I wanted to start taking our son to Church and asked if he'd like to go with us. Even my 180s seem to cause conflict.

Ugh....any advice on how to cope with this new phase of things?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Seems like no matter what I do, he gets mad.

Yep -- it's script. So stop focusing on what "makes him mad," and focus instead on always "doing the right thing."

It'll change your life.

Puppy

[eternaloptimist]

Thanks, Puppy! How are you? Always great advice from you. I really do feel like I've been "doing the right thing" for weeks now. I just need to "reframe" all of this in a more positive way. So to make my day a bit brighter, I'm going to list some of my accomplishments to date:

1) I didn't let H intimidate ME into moving out since he's the one who wants out. It would have caused so many unnecessary emotional and scheduling disruptions to our son's school, housing situation, etc. not to mention my finances and job situation. Now that I think about it, how inconsiderate of our son and his ability to cope with so many sudden changes would that have been? I'm so glad that I am advocating for what is best for our son when clearly my H is largely thinking about himself.

2) I didn't let H intimidate me into keeping our son in daycare and denying him going back to his private preschool. So glad that I didn't cave in on that b/c after talking to an attorney, any "extra" money we would have saved by putting him in daycare vs. preschool was NOT money my husband would have been able to put in his pocket anyway.

3) I confronted the OW/therapist in public and then she lost her job b/c someone else heard me and, in turn, did the right thing.

4) I am taking our son to a play therapist (despite H's initial opposition to this) to help him cope with everything we've already been through and to help him learn new ways to cope with a future separation.

5) I am GALing...making plans to have fun, writing down my concerns with an eye towards "structured problem-solving," something that I know I am good at doing.

Thanks for all of your support!