Update ... moved my half of the debt to my account yesterday. About to remove my phone from the family plan. Found an apt closer to work, but I'm still having a hard time getting over the mental barrier with this one ... I'll figure that out.
My question ... do I tell her about any of this stuff or do I just start acting and assume she'll figure it out?
The debt stuff she can find out on her own.
I kinda want to tell her about the phone after the fact. Something along the lines of a text "FYI, I removed my phone from the family plan. The bill for your phone will now be coming to your place." Short. To the point. No explanation. No excuses.
The moving thing is more of a question. She left a good portion of her stuff at the apartment when she left. She took only "what she had before we got married," which wasn't much. What I want to say is "Hi. I am moving out on Sunday (or whenever that day turns out to be). You'll have 2 weeks to get the rest of your stuff out of the apartment after I'm out. I'll leave the keys in the mailbox." My lease isn't up until the end of July, but I'm thinking that it wouldn't be bad to just move now. Again ... no explanations. Just ... this is what I'm doing. In my head it sounds not right, but I can't put my finger on it.
Any comments on how to approach these points would be appreciated.
I'm still wording the "FYI, I removed my phone from the family plan. The bill for your phone will now be coming to your place" text. I like it though. I'm just saying.
I don't know what I've been doing all that differently, but the ladies seem to be coming out of the woodwork as of late. On the one hand I'm flattered at all the attention, on the other hand it opens up an entirely different set of questions and issues for me. I am still married, so dating is out of the question for now, but it does makes me start thinking about some things. I don't have to sit around waiting for W to make up her mind. I do need to be careful though.
A little journaling .... I'm having a hard time finding a balance with the loving detachment. Detachment I can do. I've been doing MUCH better at that lately. It has been slowly sinking in that I've been hoping she's gonna "snap out of it." Maybe she will, maybe she won't. I do know that nothing I can say is going to make her want to come back so I have just left it alone. I forget who said this on another board ... but the gist is that this is her choice. The marriage as we knew it is over. If she ever decides she wants a relationship, she is going to have to want it for herself and not because she feels obligated or guilted into it. I'm going to start packing up the stuff she left (over a year ago). Not sure what I'm going to do with it yet. I just don't want to look at it anymore. It feels too much like things used to be. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone.
Loving I can do. But unfortunately, that is off the table at the moment - no pursuit. I'm looking at this NC as a loving gift to her. It is something that she needs ... or thinks she does.
For me, it just seems to be more about detaching lately than the loving part. I think that is good. Kinda where I need to be. A friend of mine asked what I would do if she showed up ... or called ... or whatever. I honestly didn't know what to say in answer to that. Part of me thinks I would jump at the chance, the detachment part has me thinking I would be very, very, very hesitant. It surprised me that I couldn't answer a simple question.
On a semi-related but definitely connected note ... it occurred to me that I'm in the midst of a spiritual crisis of sorts. I was dealing with some stuff right before she left and have been pre-occupied with R things since then. So all those unresolved spiritual issues are finally surfacing and demanding attention. It is far more complicated than the sitch with her ... involves career, personal, family history ... pretty much every facet of my life. So, it looks like that "work on yourself" piece is about to begin with a fury. Can't say that I'm looking forward to it, but it is what it is.
OK ... today is the day I'm supposed to let my landlord know if I'm returning for another year in my apartment. W left over a year ago and my not-so-new job is 75 miles away. Moving closer to work makes more sense for me, but it feels like I'm the one giving up if I move out of what used to be "our" place.
In my head I know that isn't true, that I haven't given up. But I also know that I've stayed here this long waiting for her. I keep telling myself "I can wait her out," but why? She is the one who left. She is the one who chose to live a life without me, yet conveniently attached to someone else. In the end, I don't want to be this sad person who is just sitting here waiting for something she may or may not want to give. She's made it clear that she never wants to live in this place again. If we ever reconciled, says she, she'd want to find a new place to start over.
The move wouldn't be for her. It's not a ploy to get her to come back. It's for me to end this ridiculous commute and to have some time to play ... and do something beside working and driving. It is for me to force myself to move forward rather than just living in limbo the last year and a half.
Her stuff is here too. I'm not looking forward to the call/text that tells her "I moved out. You have two weeks to get your stuff" or something to that effect.
No contact is not a gift for her, it's a gift for you. It's part of detachment, it gets your head screwed on straight again, you reclaim your individuality, you start doing things for you, you start placing your needs at the top of the priority list, the needs that you alone are responsible for taking care of - I make this distinction because alot of people have needs that they want their partner to take care of, it's time to take responsibility and do for ourselves. It shows independence, it shows control of your life, it shows self-value & self-respect and all of those things create attraction.
You've been living your life based on her actions, it's time to switch gears and live life for you.
Moving closer to work is a good thing.
When's the last time you spoke with her? Saw her in person? What was that interaction like? Does she know you've been considering moving away.
You've been separated since 4/1/08, how long have you been living apart? Same time? If so that's over a year, how long have you been divorce busting? Has it been only a few months or has it been longer. How do you feel with your progress? Are you making any headway, has anything improved? Do you know if she has been seeing someone? Dating?
Only you can decide when it's time to pull the plug. But, if you have a little time left in you, take it. Moving doesn't mean it's over. It may end up being a great catalyst for her to open her eyes. She will definitely feel like she's losing you. I'm guessing you've been the one feeling that way through most of this. Plus, you're right. Regardless of what happens, you deserve to have a life filled with more than work and commuting. Yuck! This will be a good move for you. Find new friends and develop new hobbies. Good luck and keep posting.
Needinghope
Me: 30 H:29 M: ~6 years No kids H's EA: 3/07-10/07 H talking to OW 3/08-10/08 (What is it with him and March?) Found 1 email to OW: 4/09 H moved out: 6-5-09
When's the last time you spoke with her? Saw her in person? What was that interaction like? Does she know you've been considering moving away.
I've saw her about a month ago. She stopped by with a bill of mine. We chatted for about 5 minutes and she left for a class. Again, maybe a month before that. I ran into her on the street. We talked for about a 1/2 hour. She's engaged with me both times ... lingers when I start wrapping things up. I end the discussions and walk away though. She knows my lease is up and that I have to make a decision. I haven't spoken about a move, so this will be a surprise I think.
Quote:
You've been separated since 4/1/08, how long have you been living apart? Same time? If so that's over a year, how long have you been divorce busting? Has it been only a few months or has it been longer. How do you feel with your progress? Are you making any headway, has anything improved? Do you know if she has been seeing someone? Dating?
She moved out two days after the bomb b/c I refused to leave the apartment. So, yes, she's been gone the whole time. I found DB late last summer. I did a few counseling sessions. I thought we were making progress, but I didn't figure it out until later ... that what she says and what she does do not match up. It dawned on me that I was just hoping she was engaged when she really wasn't. So, I just stopped calling. That was 3 months ago. I've spoken to her twice since then.
Her EA/PA was with a guy in another country. After she confessed to the whole thing back in Sept, she agreed to a NC deal. I really didn't know what I was doing and didn't have a plan to follow up. I'm pretty sure that she's back in contact with him. I would be surprised if there is someone local. I took a guess called her on this back in Feb ... "that guy you talk to that you can tell everything to ... that isn't me ... it's still cheating." I got a weird response about friendship and that was the time I decided to stop calling and whatnot. The short answer, I think there is someone else lurking around, but overseas.
